An Ode to Things I Love

November 13, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Oh crab rangoon, I love you, I do.

Your crisp outer shell, deep fried to golden brown perfection. Your gooey, cream cheese insides, bursting with flavor and chunks of imitation crab. Sometimes your white goodness drips down and burns my chin. That hurts, but it's a good hurt crab rangoon. I love you crab rangoon. I love dipping you in that spicy Chinese mustard, but only for the first bite. Then I usually say 'fuck it' and raw dog you the rest of the way. You make even the most drab Chinese takeout exciting. You complete me crab rangoon.

I want to have mini-crab rangoon babies with you. We'll teach our baby crab rangoons to be honest, open-minded people, who aren't afraid to mingle with spring rolls and pot stickers. Our baby crab rangoons will vote Democrat most of the time but will consider themselves independent. I miss you so much. Come home crab rangoon.

Hi couch how are you? You're looking pretty comfy today. Take off my shoes and lay down? Oh, I think I will! Look at you, with all your pillows and blankets. So inviting, so soft. I'm just gonna lay down for a minute couch. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I like that. Let me set my soda on the coffee table and get comfortable. There we go.

Where's the remote control couch? Over there by the TV? Can you get that for me? Of course you can't, you're a couch! That's ok. We're still cool. I'll just go over there and then we'll be set. Ah, much better. Ok couch, I'm going to flip it over to this Rock of Love marathon. I'll let you know, I'm probably going to fall asleep on you couch. Is that cool? Wake me up in like 15 minutes, a half hour tops. If you don't wake me up after an hour I'm gonna be mad. I can't waste the whole day couch.

Hey, I have an idea. What if I bought a leather jacket? That would pretty cool huh? I love the idea of me looking cool in a leather jacket. You know, like George Clooney or Brad Pitt. I'd probably need a motorcycle to go with it though. I'd probably tip over or worse, get in a crash and get paralyzed. Also, I don't think I would look too cool. I'd probably look like Tom Cruise or a homosexual biker. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I have enough troubles as it is, you know? I don't need another thing on my plate to worry about, especially in this economy. You look so warm though! I have the perfect red scarf that would look really neat with a sharp, brown leather jacket.

Man alive, what a quandary. If I do you, which style do I buy you in? The kind with the tassels? That would be kinda cool, like a pre-Rutgers Don Imus. Nobody wears those gimmicky ones with 8 Balls or NBA logos on them anymore, but maybe that's exactly why I should get one of those. Who can call me gay when I have a lucky 8 Ball on my back? I've always valued my individualism over anything, including my family and friends. This is probably why I'll die alone, wearing an 8 Ball Leather jacket, dusted in crab rangoon crumbs, smelling like heaven and looking cool as hell.