NFL Picks: Letters from Jesus Edition

November 20, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Discounting the tie, which we'll just pretend doesn't exist in the rule book to make Donovan McNabb feel better about himself, Captain Kirk was an impressive 11-3 last week. Today we have none other than the big JC himself. He's been busy writing letters. Take it away Jesus:

Brothers and Sisters...I don't have much to do anymore, so I write letters like an old man. Here are a few of the choice ones (the letters) along with my heavenly NFL picks for week 12.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Dear NFL - Damn you! I had money riding on the Steelers last week and your refs blew the call. Now I owe my bookie $5k. My stocks are down and I don't have it right now. If my legs are broken, I'm holding you responsible.

Pick: Steelers 20 Bengals 9

Houston at Cleveland
To whom it may concern - I may be able to turn water into wine, but I can't turn this into a game worth watching. If its on in your area, turn your paycheck into wine and get wasted.

Pick: Browns 29 Texans 14

Buffalo at Kansas City
Dear Coach Jauron - It is with deep regret that I cannot answer your prayers regarding Mr. Edwards. My advice to you would be to put in Mr. Losman post haste. Yes yes, I know he's a little emo, but he won't throw three picks against teams like the Browns.

Pick: Chiefs 17 Bills 8

New England at Miami
Dear World - I just want to confirm that I am not Tom Brady. We aren't even close since that business on Buzanis' boat. I'm known to turn the other cheek, but that was just too much. Last time I party with a bunch of crazy old white people on a boat.

Pick: Patriots 31 Dolphins 21

NY Jets at Tennessee
Dear Buddha - I didn't think they would buy into this 10-0 crap, but they did. Guess I owe you a beer you zen master bastard.

Pick: Jets 35 Titans 24

Philadelphia at Baltimore
Donovan - Really? I live all the way in BF-Kolob and know games can end in ties. We don't even get NFL network out here. Pay attention man.

Pick: Ravens 27 Eagles 21

San Francisco at Dallas
Dear "Doctor" Dobson - Please quit trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong out in San Francisco. Me being vengeful towards the gays isn't the reason for earthquakes or the 49ers sucking. I've enclosed my half of our BFF necklace. I won't be needing it anymore.

Pick: Cowboys 28 49ers 12

Tampa Bay at Detroit
Lions fans - I talked to Satan (he's in my five) and he swears he has nothing to do with this. Xenu hasn't called me back yet.

Pick: Bucs 27 Lions 17

Minnesota at Jacksonville
Thor - I wanted to congratulate you on the Vikings progress this season. I know they lost last week, but they're still very much alive in the division. See you at the barbecue in May. Latez.

Pick: Jags 18 Vikings 13

Chicago at St. Louis
Dear Penthouse - I was a young man living in the Jerusalem 'burbs when I met her at a public execution. She was the handsomest woman I ever did see, about 3 and a half cubits tall with dark brown hair and these breasts....whoops, wrong letter.

Pick: Bears 37 Rams 9

Oakland at Denver
Hey Al - Ready to apologize now?

Pick: Broncos 44 Raiders 15

Carolina at Atlanta
Diiiiiirty South - Am I not merciful? I told you to get rid of the dog rapist. You did and now look how good you are.

Pick: Falcons 28 Panthers 20

NY Giants at Arizona
KW - JC here. Don't worry. I've got your back. PS...tell Brenda thanks for the brownies.

Pick: Cardinals 41 Giants 38

Washington at Seattle
In response to your repeated inquiries about the Seahawks, Mariners, and the departure of the Sonics, remember that business with Job? Yeah...

Pick: Redskins 18 Seahawks 7

Indianapolis at San Diego
Dear Peyton - You're a douche.

Pick: Colts 31 Chargers 14

Green Bay at New Orleans
People of New Orleans - Sorry about that hurricane thing. My dad owed Falwell a solid. Poker debt. To make up for it, I got Reggie Bush out of your hair so you can have a normal offense.

Pick: Saints 34 Packers 31

"Yeah, thats right. Got a problem with it? There aren't a lot of blond blue-eyed hippies in Jerusalem you know..."