Chaiming In: Clip Show Edition

November 07, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

One week ago, when discussing the final week of TMS with the fellow bartenders, my ambition ran high and my enthusiasm was unrivaled. I was ready to tackle the world and go out with a bang. Realm of Red, Overrated/Underrated, Movie Minute, you name it, I was ready to do it. I was really gonna fuck up your life with some seriously mind-blowing shit.

Then real life happened. I got a case of Rocco Baldelli-esque 'chronic fatigue' and my ambition level (along with my sperm count) plummeted. Besides, when you try to top yourself with a hyped-up finale, you're setting yourself up for failure. Seinfeld anyone? (Yep, I just compared my writing and the TMS legacy to Seinfeld. Baleedat!)

Besides, we're not really going away now are we? Our readership? Well yes, that will likely fade like Thunder's career, but we'll still be here in cyberspace (Pomp Culture, bookmark it like you would a good free porn site or Cooks Illustrated), plugging away in relative anonymity like Clint Howard.

My friends, I promise you this. If you follow us to Pomp Culture, you will get another Realm of Red. (It's been so long most readers probably have no fucking idea what a Realm of Red even is.) I can also promise you that if you continue to read us over at Pomp Culture that Chip Wesley will service each and every one of you with his hand. That is a guarantee. From Chip's mouth to your...aaaannd I've derailed.

Anyway, in the tradition of all those great 80's sitcoms whose writers couldn't think of anything other than 'it was all a dream' for the finale and instead settled on 'clip show', I present to you Chaim Witz's Greatest (Relatively Speaking) Hits, as selected by my ego. Actually, I was too lazy to sift through all my old posts, so some of these are probably filler.

-War Hero: Julio Franco - Not only my crowning moment at TMS, but probably my whole life.

-War Criminal: Bill Belichick's Sweatshirt - If there's one thing we were good at here at TMS, it was bitching about things. My rant of Bill-O's fashion faux pas drew the ire of Pats fans everywhere. I'm still partial to War Criminal: Geese.

-Realm of Red: Danny Bonaduce - The obvious pick would have been David Caruso, the originator, but this one gets the nod.

-Two words: Ski masks.

-There are no words to describe the enigma known as Phillip Mitchell. Well, actually there are words, and I'll let Phillip read them to you.

-2007 TMS Man of the Year: Manute Bol - Who will be the Pomp Culture 2008 Man of the Year? Hard to tell, but you should never count out Jonathan Lipnicki.

-Overrated/Underrated: Condiments - Can you say, 'firestorm of controversy'? Or 'Firestorm' starring Howie Long?

-This is not your father's Ronald McDonald.

-Who can forget my horrifying foray into the world of facial hair? Amber Alert!

-I wrote a lot of movie reviews, but fuck that. Anyone with a brain knows that Drunkblogs were the lifeblood of TMS. Vodka tonics were my poison for the Oscar Drunkblog.

-Half of the TMS crew gets together for a Cubs game and live to tell about it. Nachos.

-Cubs Media Social: This helped put us on the map. Alas, we lost the map and everyone was too stubborn to pull over and ask for directions.

-Speaking of Tommy Buzanis...

-Tommy Buzanis and I make love to Dutchie. Figuratively, not literally.

Well folks, it's getting late and I'm tired from all this typing and all of this lovemaking. See you over at Pomp Culture. Say hello to your mother for me. I leave you with this bio of Zach Galifianakis to remember me by.

I am from the foothills of North Carolina. I now live in the mountains of that
state. And also live in Brooklyn. I come from a strong family. I enjoy tractors
and red wine. I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused
and happy. I dislike those that litter. Sometimes I like to go to the zoo and
ride on the backs of bison. I dream of Iceland from time to time. It makes me
laugh when people miscommunicate. I like walking over bridges and hate Donald
Trump or anything like him. The entertainment business is both poison and honey.
I drive a Subaru. It is an automatic. I cry sometimes in that car.