LIVE from the newly minted TMS-Pomp Culture Election Center in beautiful Playas de Rosarito, Mexico its the much anticipated culmination of our 2008 election coverage "A gentlemanly disagreement on the future of our Republic". Why Mexico? Just in case...
I'm Governor Gray Davis and joining us tonight will be Ken "Hawk" Harrelson and Shark Jesus. We'll be with you all night, so check back for frequent updates.
The first polls close in parts of Indiana and Kentucky at 3pm Pacific, but we won't get any results for another hour because these hick backwaters can't even agree on a time to close their polls. Anything to say guys?
Hawk: Sit back, relax, and strap it down. I Luuuuuuuv America.
Shark Jesus (SJ): Nope.
3:38pm - Christ. Give these people something to talk about already. About a half hour in and I'm already tired of Chris Matthews' "brar brar I'm an Irish Catholic" schtick. Just hand this thing over to Olbermann and Maddow already.
3:57pm - How much must it pain these guys to not call certain states early? Well, we're going to get the scoop on everyone. Here is Hawk with the Kentucky call:
Hawk: Kentucky...President...8 EVs Johnny Mac
Thanks Hawk, very subdued. I've sent SJ out for beer.
4:00pm - Finally, these slackers catch up with us and give KY to McCain.
Hawk: 3 EVs for the good guys out of Vermont too.
These early results are really for assholes. Warner wins VA Senate? No shit. Water is wet too? Lester Holt will be my object of scorn tonight, at least when I'm done attacking Beet-faced Chris Matthews' ethnicity.
4:36pm - More states close with nothing to report. Weak. Shark Jesus still isn't back with the beer. I fear he's been shanked. Just remember, given the fact that we're in Mexico, its unlikely the Jews were involved this time.
5:03pm - Polls closed, but I was on the phone with la policia trying to see if anything happened to Shark Jesus. I believe Hawk has the call...
Hawk: VT, IL, NH, ME, MA, CT, NJ, DE, MD, and DC...you can put them on the boaaaard...YES...81-39 good guys
Wolf Blitzer is a real pompous ass, but until MSNBC makes the switch to HD, my election night viewing is up for grabs. The police have no reports on Shark Jesus. I fear the worst.
5:40pm - Wolfy just put Pennsylvania on the board, so we will to. 102-39. The Hundley has just called in a bomb threat to the PC Election Center.
5:42pm - Huzzah! Shark Jesus has returned safe and sound with cerveza.
5:55pm - Feels great to have some beer in me. Now we've dispatched Hawk for pizza. Probably should have killed two birds with one stone, but we don't really plan ahead here. Thats mavericky. Michael Barone on Foxnews just explained why they called PA for Obama and he looks like he just got raped. Good times. Nine Easton is talking now. Yes, THE Nina Easton...contain your enthusiasm.
6:00pm - Shark Jesus: A bunch more states just closed. You're watching this, so you know what happened. 174-49 Obama now according to the bearded wonder on CNN. I have no regard for that man. About 20 years ago, I busted out high stakes poker games throughout Northern Virginia. Wolf played. He asked for a $10,000 marker and never paid up. I was going to sick Vinny on him to kneecap him, but someone said "hey now, simmer down now Shark Jesus, you're supposed to turn the other cheek." I was drunk or I would have punched that guy in the mouth.
6:10pm - Holy shit...there is a James Carville sighting. Put the kids to bed. No one under the age of 16 shouldn't have to see that. Its indecent. He's like an alien or something. Not just an alien, but an alien with some congenital health issues.
6:35pm - I tell ya, Hawk may not know how to manage his finances but he sure can buy a pizza. I know what you're thinking. Aren't we in Mexico? Yeah. You haven't eaten until you've had pizza in Mexico. The pizza man has a big call.
Hawk: Ohio...you can put it on the boaaaarrd YES...20 EVs good guys
Shark Jesus: Thats it. I'm drinkin'.
Everyone on Fox is depressed. The ritual suicides may start any minute. Fred Barnes will be the first to gut himself with a telestrator pen - mark it. MSNBC turns to Chuck Todd so no one can see their panel celebrating. That guy has a weird eye. It looks like he has perpetual pink eye.
Some guy on CNN is gong through the scenarios. He is giving McCain states he has no prayer in. Unless McCain wins California, its time to go bowlin'.
Shark Jesus: Where the fuck do you think I went earlier? It doesn't take an hour to get beer. I went bowling.
7:04pm - There goes Iowa. We just remembered there are actual networks so we switched to Brokaw. I think he sent someone on a beer run too. That guy is drunk. They went to Ann "Double Cunt" Curry, so we're back on MSNBC now. Chris Matthews just came in his pants. Now he's gonna have to confess.
7:26pm - Shark Jesus just bit Hawk. He's bleeding. I've called the paramedics, but who knows.
In the meantime, with this election all but a certainty at this point, I've been watching some down ballot races. Elizabeth "Double Cunt" Dole lost and so did that panty waste Chris Shays. Pass the beer...
7:43pm - Hawk is dead. Shark, we have about 15 minutes until the west coast seals this thing. Why did you bite Hawk?
Shark Jesus: I got carried away. I'm excited over the "life begins at conception" measure in Colorado losing and I couldn't listen to his cliches anymore. Put it on the board? Put what on the board? Fuck you Hawk. Thats the way the cookie crumbles. Where are those hookers I ordered?
They're in the parlor. Just be back by 8. We'll have a lot to talk about.
Shark Jesus: Fine asshat.
7:56pm - Shark Jesus: Done.
That was fast.
Shark Jesus: I nut pretty damn fast. They're whores. They aren't going to enjoy it anyway so you don't have to worry about stamina.
Fascinating insight good sir.
8:00pm - Its official. Barack Obama is the new President.
8:01pm - I wish I was in Grant Park instead of Mexico. We'll pack up and go back to the states after his victory speech.
Shark Jesus: Simply amazing.
I know. The son of a Kenyan immigrant is our new President.
Shark Jesus: No, not that. I mean, thats dope and all, I'm hip. I meant I've got wood again.
Shark Jesus: I know, its a real problem.
8:07pm - John Lewis, a great American hero, is nearly in tears on NBC. Very touching. I wish Hawk were alive to put this one on the board. I know he's up there calling the election a can of corn...Shark - thoughts?
Apparently Shark Jesus has returned to the whores. Way to ruin the moment dude.
8:18pm - John McCain is conceding in Arizona. At least he's magnanimous. His supporters are booing and groaning.
Shark Jesus: Well, looking at that shriveled old prune Cindy McCain will certainly keep me from getting another boner.
Thats something at least.
8:29pm - Great speech by McCain. Good move not letting Sarah Palin speak.
Shark Jesus: Dude, seriously. Its over time to drink.
I'm with you good sir.
8:42pm - Someone get a shovel. The post-election spin bullshit is getting deep. Naturally, they were all experts all along.
8:56pm - The van is loaded and ready. We'll be heading back to the states after President-elect Obama's speech. Here he is!
Shark Jesus: I'm gonna want another whore after this.
Dude, put a sock in it. We don't want to hear about this shit. The new President is about to speak.
9:17pm - Thats it. Brilliant. God I love Michelle Obama. America now has its first skeet-worthy first lady.
Shark Jesus: I agree.
I know you do. You're a sex addict. You probably would do Biden.
Shark Jesus: Well, if it wasn't for the bald spot.
At least you're honest about it.
Well, I think we're gonna wrap it up there. There are still some races of interest to Shark Jesus and I personally, but...
Shark Jesus: Yeah, thats right. I'm big time for the train prop in California.
OK. Anyway, thats election 2008. Have a good night America. YES WE CAN.
Oh, Shark - make sure Hawk's body makes it in the van.
Shark Jesus: I'm all over it.