Fawning love for Top Chef.

November 12, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Anonymous

Exciting! I'd go with Option 3!

We all have our vices, but I'm going to open up and take the criticism for this one.

I love Top Chef
, perhaps the most glorious, exquisite human drama around. And they cook delicious food too!

Bravo, which used to be an arts channel but now appears to be some weird amalgam of Lifetime, HGTV and Food Network (which is hilarious considering all 3 still exist independently), has plenty of these churned-out reality show competitions, and while the ladies go ga-ga for Heidi Klum and that fashion rubbish, I am drawn to Top Chef.

Perhaps it has something to do with being mildly overweight. I love seeing people get into arguments, and then when they're finished, they make gourmet food that has me practically devouring the television. Standard reality show rules apply: if you suck, you get kicked off. The process repeats, with challenges becoming increasingly more absurd, until just one preening, pompous cuisinier is left standing, and they receive $100,000 and some other stuff.

The hosts? A hot stoner lady (she is Salman Rushdie's ex-wife, but I feel confident that I can out-excellent him) who knows enough about food to conjugate the word "yummy" several times per episode, and a wide, bald chef who has a thousand restaurants, none of which he cooks in anymore.

And then of course, we have the "drama". I have seen more drama on a street corner but those Nobel Prize-worthy editors manage to extract every tablespoon of drama from an otherwise innocuous discussion. I mean, just look at the arguing! It's three whole steps above civilized discourse!

Most of the contestants are insufferable idiots, but I cannot look away. Part of me secretly wishes one of them will sever an artery during a frantic challenge.

They even made a game about this damn show, and from the looks of the video, it confirms the rule that every video game made about a movie or TV show is generally a piece of sh*t.

I don't even know what the f*ck's going on!

Thankfully, the new season begins tonight, just as I was getting delirious from the withdrawal symptoms and working up the courage to filet my roommates with a cleaver. Don't worry, I know what you're thinking; there's no way a meat cleaver could cut with such precision to make filets! Droll!

So watch it with me. 10pm tonight. Bravo (aka the home of James Lipton). I'm not liveblogging the thing or anything, because that would be sad.

However, I will be sure to get drunk on my couch and throw empty beer bottles at the TV.