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New York Jets at New England
The Jets haven't been this good since TJ Hooker was on the air. Do you remember that? Of course not. Damned kids...
Pick: Pats 27 Jets 24
Denver at Atlanta
I enjoy Falcons. The birds. I also derive a great deal of pleasure from horses and dogs... the ocean... and love.
Pick: Falcons 33 Broncos 28
Houston at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.
Pick: Colts 26 Texans 14
Oakland at Miami
Wayne Huizenga is selling the Dolphins. Look for them on Priceline.com and name your own price.
Pick: Dolphins 21 Raiders 9
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Eli Manning once told me he was a fan. I chose to listen locked on what he was saying, and when he said to me, `Can I tell you what I love about you?' I chose to be very emotional and said, `Tell me' as though I were in love with him. And as I was doing this, I recognized the possibility of people mistaking that for homosexual love, as against somebody interested in the generic word love and not carrying an idea of sexuality.
Pick: Giants 38 Ravens 20
Detroit at Carolina
This matchup is gayer than George Takei's wedding.
Pick: Panthers 20 Lions 0
Philadelphia at Cincinnati
Bengals fans are a large conglomerate of people. They're a heterogeneous group of people. Except in one regard. They're all losers.
Pick: Eagles 40 Bengals 14
Chicago at Green Bay
I'm pretty torn over Brett Favre leaving Green Bay. You just don't know what... ... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Pick: Bears 34 Packers 24
New Orleans at Kansas City
You'd have to be...high...as a kite to watch this game.
Pick: Saints 33 Chiefs 20
Minnesota at Tampa Bay
I've never trusted vikings...and I never will. I've never been able to forgive them...for the death of my boy.
Pick: Bucs 28 Vikings 10
St. Louis at San Francisco
Little known fact: Mike Singletary plays the tambourine. Tambourine? MR. TAMBOURINE MAN!!!!!!
Pick: 49ers 24 Rams 17
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Some advice to Kurt Warner: Remember - you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.
Pick: Cardinals 38 Seahawks 28
Tennessee at Jacksonville
I'd like to play paintball with Vince Young. You just don't know what that crazy bastard would do!
Pick: Titans 24 Jags 7
San Diego at Pittsburgh
Since this is now Pomp Culture, here's something pompous - you take your day and artistically create it, so every moment has an artistic flavor. What? The game?
Pick: Steelers 15 Chargers 14
Dallas at Washington
Redskins is a racist term. I'm offended. I must now weep.
Pick: Cowboys 28 Redskins 21
Cleveland at Buffalo
This game is going to suck worse than Star Trek V.
Pick: Bills 17 Browns 3
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Rock-it-man!
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