Celebrity NFL Picks with Dan Rather

October 02, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week John Mark Karr went 6-7. He won't be invited back (because he is a pedophile, not because he was bad at picking). Our celebs are now 35-25 on the year. This week we're joined by insane former newsman Dan Rather. So, WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY KENNETH???

I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see me pick NFL games correctly, but honestly, I've got nothing better to do so why the hell not?

Tennessee at Baltimore
Tennessee is a surprising 4-0. And for the first time in these picks, mark it if you will, if you're in the kitchen, Mabel, come back in the front room. I'm just teasing. They're gonna win again.

Pick: Titans 24 Ravens 21

Kansas City at Carolina
If Carolina loses this one, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up 'Dueling Banjos' because Jake Delhomme will be squealing like a pig.

Pick: Panthers 31 Chiefs 9

Chicago at Detroit
Detroit constantly reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten. In this economy, I hope Matt Millen can find a new job.

Pick: Bears 33 Lions 10

Atlanta at Green Bay
This game is boring enough, nasty enough to gag a buzzard.

Pick: Packer 18 Falcons 6

Indianapolis at Houston
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 27 Texans 17

San Diego at Miami
Before the trail goes completely cold, let's give a tip of the Stetson to the loser, Miami, and at the same time a big tip and a hip-hip-hooray and a great big Texas howdy to the future AFC West Champion San Diego Super Chargers. Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red, press it in a book, put it in an album, hang it on the wall.

Pick: Chargers 44 Dolphins 35

Seattle at NY Giants
The Seahags think they're better without Shaun Alexander. Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow.

Pick: Giants 41 Seahags 15

Washington at Philadelphia
This game will be as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.

Pick: Redskins 31 Eagles 28

Buffalo at Arizona
Last week, the Jets swept through the Cardinals like a tornado through a trailer park. Buffalo won't put up quite so many points.

Pick: Bills 22 Cards 20

Tampa Bay at Denver
Picking this game is about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo.

Pick: Broncos 39 Bucs 38

Cincinnati at Dallas
There's no way Cincinnati can win this thing without carrying Romo and Owens off the field. It'd be like trying to scratch their ear with their elbow.

Pick: Cowboys 56 Bengals 0

New England at San Francisco
I don't know who to pick. I don't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon.

Pick: 49ers 23 Pats 21

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
This knock-down drag-out battle will drag on into the night. Why is Pittsburgh on national TV every god damned week?

Pick: Jags 28 Steelers 17

Minnesota at New Orleans
The Saints have been veering and wobbling so much that neither NASA nor the Russian Cosmodrome can track them in some cases.

Pick: Vikings 29 Saints 24

"Watchin' Dan Rather do the news, he looks like he's making a hostage tape. They should have guys in ski masks and AK-47s just standing off to the side..."
Don Imus, cited in Imus: America's Cowboy, 1999.