TMS Beer Project: Bard's Tale Dragon's Gold

With the name Saloon included in our moniker, one could surmise that we here at TMS like to drinky drinky. One that would make such an assumption would be correct, thereby throwing out the whole, 'when you assume you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me' bullshit. We also like to plagiarize each other. In the same vein as the Wrigleyville Bar Project, we are proud to bring you another installment of the TMS Beer Project. The premise is simple: we review beers. Each rating will feature a variety of scores from 1-10 and comments from the bartender. This is a public service damn it. We don't want you to be the sucker who pays $15 for a six pack of some overrated Belgian cat piss. Now, we all drink massive amounts of beer so we know what we speak of. Each of us seem to have a favorite style of beer though. Will we be reviewing macrobrews like Bud and Coors? Oh you bet your Aunt Susie's ass we will. For purposes of this science experiment, and it is in the name of science, those will be the "control" group. Use them as a base line for when we review lesser known imports and microbrews. Without further ado, I bring you our next beer:

Bard's Tale Dragon's Gold

Brewery: Bard's Tale Brewery, brewed on contract by Gordon Biersch

Type: Specialty Grain Lager

Receptacle: 12 ounce bottle

Drinkability (1 being Jim Jones' kool-aid, 10 being the nectar of the gods): 1, This beer is a good example of "Read the fine print". Dragon's Gold is a beer designed for people who are allergic to gluten, a substance found in barley, wheat, and rye - all substances found in "normal" beers. Dragon's Gold replaces those essential beer ingredients with sorghum. Yes, it's as bad as it sounds. I had no idea. I fully confess that I bought it on appearance and the fact that I used to play The Bard's Tale on PC as a kid.

Heartiness (1 being fresh mountain spring water, 10 being a pureed British steak infected with mad cow disease): 3, I guess there's a scant smattering of hops in it, but that is overwhelmed by the horrible taste. It pours an orange-ish brown, and in the two bottles I've seen poured (I duped a buddy into trying one), there was very little head.

Intoxication (1 being your friend's weird pentecostal grandmother high on Jesus, 10 being Boris Yeltsin on a week long bender in the Crimea): 3, Weighs in at 4.7% ABV, which isn't an imperial stout by any means, but packs a bit more of a punch than the macrobrew at your local gas station. Again, the taste gets in the way, and there's no way I could get drunk on these, being I couldn't even finish the one that I opened.

Celebrities You May See Drinking This Brew: The members of Phish, Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, and Leftover Salmon, Brad Pitt (Legends of the Fall Era), Turk Wendell, Bill Walton.

Affordability ($ being chicklets in Tijuana, $$$$ being diamond encrusted braised lamb shank from a trendy cafe on the Champs d'Elysee): $, Eight bones for a six pack. A little on the high side, but for a specialty/craft brew it's about par for the course.

Overall: 1, The best thing about it was the bottle design. I'd have to say this was one bad beer. It had a born-on date, which I had to keep checking just to make sure it wasn't spoiled. You know how wine snobs always talk about how something finishes? Well, this was the first time I've noticed a finishing for a beer..."sour apple" rings a bell. Watery, bad taste, sorta fruity...bad taste, need I say more? After perusing their website, it says that the brewmasters there are Celiacs, people who are allergic to gluten, so it makes sense. But Jeez, it's bad enough that you're messed up in that you have that condition, but then you have to drink this weasel piss? I guess life isn't fair.