Ronald McDonald Handicaps Things

October 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

We caught up with a drunken Ronald McDonald, makeup smeared and breath reeking of cheap gin, outside of a IHOP in Peoria. He was with a whore. We asked him if he would answer a few questions and handicap various competitions. He stuck with the script for a short time before derailing completely, culminating with him threatening to 'slice (my) dick off' and then doing cartwheels into the street, where he was struck by a car. We believe he is doing ok.

The World Series: It is my firm belief that the Chicago Cubs will win it all this year. This is the year! Wooooooooo! (Starts to dance the '
Macarena') Wait what? They got beat? What the fuck? Are you serious? (Depressed) Oh God. Oh God. Please God no. I had so much money on....shit. This is not good. I need to lay low for a little bit. Just chill the fuck out. Do you have any money I can borrow? Just a few bucks, like ten thousand of them? Oh Sweet Baby Jesus help me. Ok, by default I'll go Yankees? What the shit? Are you kidding me? No dice? Christ. I'm gonna need more money. I think there's an ATM inside IHOP but that fucker charges like a $3 fee. Damn you economy!

The Presidency: I try not to get involved in Presidential politics, ever since my failed bid back in 82'. What do you mean there wasn't an election in 82'? Then why did I waste all that money on the smear campaign I ran against the Hamburgler? This is really fucking great. Just wonderful. (To whore) You get back here! Come here NOW!

So true story. I used to run into McCain occasionally back in the late Eighties. That crazy SOB. One night I was hanging with Johnny Mac, Tommy B and OJ on the Orifice Penetrator and we were all playing a game of gin rummy. OJ kept losing and he was sweating profusely, mumbling something about "killing me some suckas". Tommy was shitfaced and I think he thought we were playing strip poker, because he was basically nude. Long story short, some story comes on the news about the Keating Five and Johnny Mac loses his shit. Starts pulling at his hair, yelling at the screen, "Fuck you assholes! You'll never take me alive!" He proceeds to pull down his pants, fart, punch me in the face and then jump overboard. I've haven't seen him since. It was a dick move, but dammit if he isn't a maverick.

I have my doubts about 'that one' too though. He's African American, which scares me on account that I'm racist. I've also heard that he's going to raise my taxes. Granted, the guy who told me this was standing on a street corner wearing nothing but a sandwich board with the phrases "Boobies!" and "Finland has Nukes!", but I take a man, no matter how crazy, at his word. Then again, after this World Series debacle, I don't have any money left to tax. He does seem like he's for the common man though, and the common man needs Ronald McDonald. He needs fucking McDonalds man. The common man can't afford shit like Applebees and IHOP. Fuck it, we need change. I'll vote for that cat.*

Super Bowl: Is football done already? Oh, you're just asking me who I think will make it? Oh God, I am so drunk. Is this parking lot spinning? Also, do I have a boner? No and yes, you say? You've been a great help. Who does Joe Namath play for? I think his team will probably win it all. Have you seen that new Schick Razors commercial he's in? I need an agent like that. Someone that will fight for me. Do you think Barack Obama would represent me? How about that Sarah Palin? I would really like to have sex with her, I'm not gonna lie to you. (To whore) Get your ass back here! Now! I am your customer and you will listen to me! The customer is always fucking right!

Shark vs Killer Whale: What kind of shark? That question really bothers me. I don't know why, but it made me really sad. (Depressed) Oh my God.

Baseball MVP: In the National League, I think you have to go with Mantle, no doubt about it. No fucking dizzoubt. (Vomit burp) Son of a....I'm gonna have to wash this now. In the AL? Probably Dustin Pedroia.

Big Mac vs. Whopper: (Putting finger drunkenly to lips) Shhhhhhhh....I hate Mark McGwire and I got a Whopper in my pants.

(Ronald then proceed to insult me, shove the whore into a bush and cartwheel into traffic, where he was struck rather violently by a car.)

*Barack Obama does not in any way accept this endorsement.