Celebrity NFL Picks with The Prophet Joseph Smith

October 09, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

The 2008 NFL season is finally upon us and in the tradition of the Wrigley 7th inning stretch, TMS will bring in B-list celebrities none of you have heard of to provide NFL picks. Last week insane former newsman Dan Rather went 9-5. His folksly homespun charm did a nice job of sweeping John Mark Karr under the rug. Our celebs are now 44-30 on the year. Last night, while sleeping soundly I was stirred by a vision of the angel Moroni. He revealed to me the location of two golden tablets containing the 2008 Week 6 NFL picks of the Prophet Joseph Smith. After digging them up and using seer stones to interpret them, I can reveal the wisdom contained within to you now:

Behold, it came to pass that on the 9th day of 10th month of the 2008th year of our Lord, the following NFL picks would be made. As you may have guessed, I read them out of a hat.

Chicago at Atlanta
All the people picking Atlanta are wrong. I alone will tell you the one true pick of this game.

Pick: Bears 27 Falcons 10

Miami at Houston
If Houston actually manages to win this one, I will personally appear and bestow the Melchizedek priesthood on Gary Kubiak. They both end in K you see. Thats just a little 19th century humor for you.

Pick: Dolphins 37 Texans 28

Baltimore at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche.

Pick: Colts 12 Ravens 9

Detroit at Minnesota
This game promises to be so bad even your magic underwear won't stop you from pooping yourself.

Pick: Vikings 32 Lions 24

Oakland at New Orleans
Don't be surprised if you're performing a baptism for Oakland's 2008 season next time you're in the temple 'cause these guys are dead!

Pick: Saints 24 Raiders 17

Cincinnati at NY Jets
Apparently its part of Heavenly Father's plan that the Bengals suck every year.

Pick: Jets 38 Bengals 9

St. Louis at Washington
Deceased former Rams owner Georgia Frontiere had 7 husbands. Amateur hour. I had at least 30 wives before I lost count.

Pick: Redskins 38 Rams 17

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Jake Delhomme is unseemly and will never be allowed to join me and Heavenly Father on the glass planet of Kolob.

Pick: Panthers 21 Bucs 17

Jacksonville at Denver
Little known fact: Jay Cutler holds the title of Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve.

Pick: Broncos 16 Jags 13

Dallas at Arizona
Before I told everyone the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, I tried telling them it was actually in Apache Junction, Arizona. No one was buying that so I had to go back to the drawing board, err, I mean pray.

Pick: Cowboys 34 Cardinals 27

Philadelphia at San Francisco
What people say about Lamanite QBs just isn't true. Philly will win this one, which is good for that city since their baseball team won't bring them any joy over the next week.

Pick: Eagles 29 49ers 21

Green Bay at Seattle
In order to find out who will win this game, you must reach level OT VI and donate $700,000. Whoops, wrong religion!

Pick: Packers 30 Seahawks 13

New England at San Diego
The Chargers need this one or the unwashed rabble of San Diego will demand blood atonement from Norv Turner.

Pick: Chargers 28 Pats 14

NY Giants at Cleveland
And it came to pass that the Giants are much better than I or anyone else could have foreseen just a few short weeks ago. Playing garbage teams like Cleveland sure helps things...

Pick: Giants 35 Browns 20

Now that this ginormous statue of Jesus has your attention, let me tell you about Heavenly Father's plan for YOU...