OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

October 03, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Whaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin?

It's Friday night, and your boy OJ's gettin' his drink on. It's been kind of a long week for The Juice. Today, I celebrated the 13 year anniversary of getting away with murder being found 'not guilty' for 2 killings that I'm pretty sure I didn't even do. I think I was playing golf at the time. That was a sweet day.

So what did I do to celebrate the 13th anniversary of my victory? Most would say "Hookers and blow, OJ!" Well you'd be wrong. Like any true thug, I spent the 13th anniversary of the end of a trial by sitting through the closing arguments of a whole other trial! Again, it's for something that I'm pretty sure I didn't even do. The prosecution said that I may have robbed and maybe kidnapped and threatened some people. Is it true? I guess it depends on what your definition of "kidnapped" and "robbed" are. And as for threatening fools? Shits yeah that part is true! Look, I won the Heisman. I'm a Hall of Famer. Hell, I may or may not have even not maybe did almost get away with killing two people one time. I threaten everyone just to keep up appearances. Hell, I threaten my own gardener. Just look at that mean (but ridiculously good looking) face!

Also, that doesn't mean that the hookers and blow are out for the evening.

The Juice has got some good news though. It seems like everything is coming together and shit. See, after the last few days, it seems like the Cubs need my help. And it just so happens that the closing arguments for my trial are over, so I've got some free time. Sure, I'm not supposed to "leave the state" or some crazy shit like that, but who cares? I didn't even testify, so what do they need me for?

It seems like my career as a Milwaukee Brewer may be over. I wanted to be there last weekend to make sure that they lost to the Cubs and didn't make the playoffs, but I was kind of "under police supervision" so getting out was a little tough. But I did what I could where I could get away with it. You know how Ben Sheets got hurt last Saturday and can't pitch again this year? Hmmm...OJ thinks that's a little suspicious. And guess what? It's because I cut him. Or maybe I didn't. HA! That never gets old! You think I'd admit something like that? Look, I'm not going to say that I cut Ben Sheets and I'm not going to say that I didn't. What I will say is that yes, I probably cut him. And I'll do the same to you in a second!

(See what I mean about threatening all kinds of fools?)

See how the Brewers seemed really distracted the last 2 games against the Phillies? JO Sampson may have had something to do with that. Rumor is that he made a bunch of threatening phone calls to their families before each game. I guess they were traced back to a cell phone he stole from Brett Favre and the Packers. That's a shame. That JO Sampson is a bad man. But that's not my problem. I'm OJ Simpson. I am definitely not (^wink^wink*) JO Sampson. But man, is that JO Sampson a man's man. I hear he brings home at least 4 women a night and can eat an entire case of Malomars in one sitting. Legit!

Either way, Milwaukee has released JO, that devilishly good looking son of a bitch. Rumor is that he may show up in the Dodgers' clubhouse tomorrow. He's bringing the following things with him:

- Laptop
- Collapsible Baton
- 2 Guns
- Steak knives
- Napientek Brand Cock Rings
- Maple Bat Shards
- Hardcore German Pornography

The Cubs shouldn't have much of a problem winning tomorrow in LA.


What? Kevin Garnett already beat me to that chant? Aw shit. That's a low down dirty shame.