A Strange Landscape

October 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

Has this been a crazy season or what? With the White Sox defeating the Twins last night, both Chicago franchises are in the playoffs together for the first time since 1906. What the hell kind of crazy, topsy-turvy world are we living in? Let’s take a look at some more crazy shit:
The Rays are in the playoffs. And they won the AL East to get there. Seriously. And people laughed when they unveiled those new uniforms in an attempt to change the culture of losing. How much you wanna bet that if the Cubs blow up in the post-season that we see some knee-jerk changes? Something like this.

The Mets and Yankees both missed the playoffs in the last years of their respective stadiums. Right now ESPN is saying a thank you prayer to Jebus that the Red Sox made the playoffs. Because without the Yankees or Red Sox in the playoffs, the rest of us might as well play the fucking games in Japan. The Japanese would undoubtedly give more of a shit than ESPN.

Ted Lilly took two no-hitters into the 7th inning while pitching at Miller Park. Both no-hit bids were broken up by the first batter in the 7th inning and both of those batters wore #8. (Mark Loretta for the Astros and Ryan Braun for the Brewers). Mark Loretta is missing, presumed to be in a lime-lined pit under Ted Lilly’s garage. Ryan Braun is currently looking into some extra protection should the Cubs face the Brewers in the post-season.

The Brewers fired their manager with 12 games remaining and remarkably still managed to win the Wild Card. Not to knock the Brewers, but the Mets’ second straight choke job probably helped more than losing Ned Yost. Although cutting Yost loose can’t be dismissed as some fine strategizing by Brewers’ management. When you do shit that makes Dusty Baker look smart (like platooning your starters) you have some serious problems. We’ll miss you Neddy. Especially if we end up in a best of seven with the Sausage Slingers.Oh, and somebody actually gave Dusty “Base-Clogger” Baker another job. In the majors. Christ, in the same division the Cubs play in. Cincinnati, were you not paying attention in 2004-2006? I’d feel sorry for you, but jeez. How’d that work out for you, by the way? If I were the Reds, I’d send some money to Pittsburgh. Luckily, you’re in the one division with 6 teams. If this were the English Premier League, the Pirates would have been relegated years ago.

Cub fans rooting for Jim Edmonds. The Edmonds signing upset a great deal of Cub fans as people went all nuclear about the possibility of Jimmy Ballgame patrolling center field at Wrigley wearing Cub blue and not Cardinal red. Many people, like this asshole, decried the move, saying he had nothing left in the tank. Once Jim started hitting homeruns that mattered, all that animosity melted away and Cub Nation embraced Edmonds.

If the White Sox and Cubs meet in the World Series, I’m buying earthquake, flood, fire, asteroid, and zombie insurance. Over the course of this season, we’ve had massive flooding in Iowa, Hurricane Ike, and the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. I’m not saying all of this is happening because the Cubs are not just winning, but also outclassing all competitors winning, but I don’t want to take any chances. Of course it could all be because there’s a black man running for President who actually has a chance to win. The Cubs win the Series, Obama wins the election, and the Earth explodes in a shower of fiery particles. I plan on being drunk no matter what happens. Bully!

By far though, the craziest thing that’s happened over the course of the season was John McCain choosing Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, as his running mate in the presidential election. I have no issues with McCain choosing a woman as his running mate, as I admire strong women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Ghandi, and Alyssa Milano. I do have an issue with him choosing this giant fruitbat for his running mate. This woman is nuttier than a can of Planters’ Mixed. I don’t want anyone who believes in witchcraft to be a heartbeat (or lack thereof) away from the presidency. Salem, MA would head to the top of the goverment watch list and I’d be concerned that she’d nuke England in order to rid the world of Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. Seriously, this woman is shithouse crazy, folks. Ooh, I can see Russia from my house! Ooh, I can field dress a moose and make mooseburgers! Lady, you are a mooseburger.