War Criminal: DirecTV

October 28, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

I thought I was done with these dumbass DirecTV ads a few years ago. I guess I was wrong.

You know which commercials I'm talking about. They're the ones where they show a clip from a movie and then splice in a shot of one of the characters turning to the audience and hawking this new HD service in the commercial equivalent of an HJ (That's Hand Job for the slow folks out there, not to be mistaken with BJ or VJ. If you don't know what a VJ is, you can't afford one...).

At first, it started with Jessica Simpson and a clip from The Dukes Of Hazzard. I was fine with that. It's not like they were ruining a classic American movie here. It was like throwing a piece of crap into a bucket that was already full of crap...no one seemed to mind. Hell, most people probably don't know that the original movie have that ad in it since only 7 people saw the damn thing anyway.

Then DirecTV went too far. They soiled Major League, one of my all-time favorite movies. Charlie Sheen, out on the mound, ready to pitch the Indians into the World Series, and he turns to me and asks if I want better HD service? What the hell? How could he sink so low? Is nothing sacred anymore? How can I raise children in a world where the sanctity of Major League is no longer safe???

After that, the commercials just sort of disappeared. Like usual, I forced my rage down deep inside of myself and smothered it with Funyuns and hard liquor.

And now they're back. Just the other day, I thought I was watching the pool scene from National Lampoon's Vacation. All of the sudden, Christie Brinkley turns to me and calls Clark Griswold an idiot for not hooking his HDTV up to DirecTV! First of all, HDTV's didn't even exist back then. Second of all...just stop it.

You know what, DirecTV? If you're really going to be that tasteless, I've got a few classic movie scenes for you to take a frozen dump on, since you seem so motivated to destroy everything movies are about:

1. Schindler's List

(Nazi soldier turns to camera)
"Man, genocide is really hard work. I used to feel bad for the races of people I am trying to obliterate, but then I thought that if they had just subscribed to DirecTV HD, they would have seen the German invasion coming in spectacular 1080i. I don't know what that is, but it makes me want to goose step all the way to the living room!"

2. Good Will Hunting

"Yeah, I know I'm good at math, but it bores the shit out of me. That's why I wish I could afford DirecTV HD. I could spend all of my time watching the Red Sox in crystal clear 1080i instead of wasting my time jerking off with Ben Affleck and doing math with my hairy therapist. Maybe I could even get a better looking girlfriend than Minnie Driver. Her face looks like the ass end of a dolphin. You do NOT want to look at her in HD. Trust me."

3. Pulp Fiction

"Look, motherfucker! Get your motherfuckin' ass out yo' mutherfuckin' chair and order your ass up some motherfuckin' DirecTV. Now, bitch! You think I like yellin' at you?!? This shit comes in so clear, you'll be able to tell that my partner here actually wears a wig! No shit! Hell, you may be able to read his motherfuckin' thetin levels from your living room!"

The only thing that these commercials have going for them is that DirecTV has the sense enough to use actors and actresses that look exactly the same now as they did in 1989. That said, expect the next round of DirecTV commercials to star the following people:

Michael J. Fox

Matthew Broderick

Or, if DirecTV wanted to impress me, they could make one of those commercials star someone that's dead. That would be impressive...