TMS DRUNKBLOG: VP Debates

It's another wonderful evening at TMS Towers, and from behind my beautiful, artisanal reading glasses (they're specially designed to read the opinions and thoughts of the liberal elite media), everything is shaping up swimmingly.

I am a fan of the drunkblogs, and I believe we'll have some fun tonight. Sarah Palin, as the running line of subtle, sarcastic jokes this week on TMS have shown, is a bit of an idiot. Well, she's worse than an idiot. She's quite dumb, and she's not very far from the presidency should John McCain struggle with angina, footrot, glaucoma, Parkinson's, or other afflictions of the aged. In short, it's fucking scary.

But, let's put armageddon aside from one night.

The channel of choice: CNN
The beverage of choice: America's finest domestic, mass-produced beer... Budweiser
The fantasy of choice: still Campbell Brown. I'm watching her warm up right now, and it's creating enough heat in my loins that I could power California during one of their patented Skynet-aided rolling blackouts.

The scoring system tonight is simple, and one that I spent a whole 8 minutes devising.

Every time Sarah Palin cracks that liberal white man on the jaw with a flurry of wit unseen since the days of the Algonquin Round Table, I will award one DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE to the Red Woman. You know how dropped ice cream cones make you feel: inescapably sad, and just all-round depressed. Fuck, it doesn't even matter if you buy a replacement cone; the taste is gone. In short, it's the sensation we'll all wear if Moose Lady and Jowl Man run the nation.



Every time Joe Biden levels that retard with a devastating putdown or fact that she cannot even begin to retort, I will score one INCIDENT OF CANDY BEING TAKEN FROM A BABY. It's that simple, folks.



To the liveblog! Crack open another can of moonshine, light some candles around the living room, and prepare for some fireworks. Also have some razor blades and Lilith Fair compilation CDs ready in case you need to soothe yourself should Palin completely pwn the wrinkly Delaware tw*t.

Ifill is good to go, the combatants are on the stage, and CNN has all sorts of algorithms and up-to-the-second scoring methods. We're playing Palin Bingo. Hip, I know.

9.05 - Good opening by Biden. Factual, dense, impassioned. Palin goes with the wonderful storytelling approach. "Let me spin you a yarn..."

It's a load of fucking nonsense. Already I am contemplating skipping this exercise in sarcasm to build pipe bombs. Story time, followed by vague bullshit, followed by GOP pre-prepped talking points. Fucking Christ. John McCain has a big dick and a knack of supporting genius legislature, apparently.

9.08 - Biden fires a sneaky missive: the experience factor. He lists off a few achievements of his long career in Washington, which is matched by Palin, who was probably fellating truckers as a child before finding her beehive hairdo.

I'll score a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT there.

9.10 - Ifill calls them both out for completely ignoring the question and spouting off some bs about themselves and their presidential hopefuls. Biden laughs, and Palin gets first crack at the next question about sub-prime mortgages... she uses it to hit the talking points. Credit to her for at least staying strong and staying on message.

I'm giving Ifill a point for the putdown, which I'll illustrate with this guy banging a loud gong.



9.11 - Oh sweet... Biden's retort goes right to John McCain's ignorance of the mortgage problems 2 years ago while Barack was raising that question in Congress. Beastly move, Joe... have another CANDY/BABY INCIDENT for your assault on McJowl. He needs to be careful with the homespun anecdote. Biden wants tax relief and feels Obama has that move.

9.15 - Christ. Biden levels Palinbot after her assertion that Obama voted 94 times to raise taxes. Biden's response: she's dead wrong, McCain voted the same way on the specific bill she's referring to, and by her measurements, McCain voted 467 times to raise taxes. Absolutely beastly by Joe. He then calls her out for not answering the question. CANDY/BABY INCIDENT... awesome assault. Palinbot gets a chance to retort, and she apologizes for "not answering the questions the way you (Biden) or the moderator want her to, but she's gonna talk straight to the American people." Yeah... sure. She then avoids Biden's charge by talking about her time spent fighting taxes in Wasilla, and she promptly runs out of time.

This is getting uncomfortable. I NEED MORE BEER! Where is Campbell Brown? Can I get some hand relief, you brunette bombshell of the broadcasting universe?

9.19 - Ifill tosses Palin a softball giving her a chance to explain McCain's healthcare plan despite the obvious turn in the debate... however, we're not sure Palin knows what a tax credit is. She is trying though. Biden's shuffling notes.

9.20 - Biden's retort: he's all about facts. It's taking a lot of restraint for him not to openly laugh, I reckon. He's keeping it to simple business, and really trying to spell out just what McCain's healthcare plan means. That plan sounds pretty shitty.

A huge fucking closing zinger... two CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS for it: he shits on McCain's plan, spells out how it's not a good one, and says that it's the ultimate "bridge to nowhere". The crowd gasps and chuckles a bit.


By the way, can anyone tell I'm a liberal? It's true; I ride a bicycle. I like natural fibers. I drink Pabst Blue Ribbon not just because it's tasty, but because it's so expensive at the fancy dive bars around Manhattan and Brooklyn that I frequent. Yeah, please, I invite you all to make fun of me. I'm also English. There you go, my Republican friends... tell me how little I know because I'm not from here.

9.24 - Alright, Palin's getting a little traction. The question? What promises have you made to Americans that you can't keep? She hits Obama for voting for the energy plan in '05 that gave such massive tax breaks to those oil companies that Barack and friends now wish to reign in. She refers to her fight in Alaska against those oil companies. I'll give her a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE for that. Biden is smiling... this is getting fun. I'm still feeling nauseous though.

Also, I really need to stop drunkblogging important political events. I don't have nearly enough time to type, listen, drink, and make jokes. This blogging shit is tough! Maybe I should quit the writing game and get me on Todd Palin's super-duper-awesome snowmobile vigilante force.

9.27 - Biden's comeback is good... I'm gonna hold off further scoring currently. He's not being a complete condescending dick towards her (although he came close a couple of times), but he's settling into a simple rhythm: turn her words and rhetoric against her with a flurry of facts, corrections and annotations.

Palin is floundering HARD. It's like watching a high school kid give a book report in front of class despite not reading the book. She tries to get in how hard McCain worked to get that bailout bill going, but let's be honest... she's not good at this. I feel kinda bad for her, but not so bad that I'm gonna stop making fun of her.

Biden's tone is straightforward, deliberate, and well-paced. He's a lot more experienced than her, and it's showing so much, it's difficult to watch.

CNN has some ticker at the bottom apparently measuring uncommitted Ohio voters and their immediate reactions to the debate as it happens. It looks like a heartbeat that's flatlined, but there's extra colours involved. I wonder how they're getting this data: do they have Ohioans strapped to chairs with monitors and regulators attached to them, a la Clockwork Orange?


Ohioans do their part for CNN.


9.33 - Palin's really out of her depth. A question about deregulation aimed at Biden comes to her for a retort, and she decides to go BACK to the oil/energy question from 8 minutes ago. Also, judging by her stalling, she's been reading the Palin Speech Generator.

Biden waits, and then hits with some facts about McCain, voting 20 times against funding alternative energy sources. I'll give him a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT there... devastating. Palin's all about her work for alt. energy sources in Alaska, but McCain's voting record is clearly contradictory. Ouchie.

9.37 - Palin fires hard at the left for their voting on energy policies, and Biden keeps hammering McCain's 20 no votes against alt. energy funding. A draw there.

Ifill switches up to the same-sex marriage question.

Biden says an Obama/Biden administration will take steps to giving those benefits and rights to those same-sex marriages... Palin doesn't support changing the definition of marriage as being anything other than a traditional "one man, one woman", although she believes there should be no civil rights difference. They both kinda agree! It's touching! So much love in the room, and Palin takes the olive branch. The crowd laughs, and Ifill turns to IRAQ. Look the fuck out, peoples.

Palin gives props to Petraeus... oh, wait, I think there's a talking point coming... BOOM THERE IT IS JOHN MCCAIN IS THE SHIT BUT OBAMA SUCKS BECAUSE OF VOTING NO TO EXTRA FUNDING ON THE TROOPS. It's a worn-out soundbite, but people do listen to that shit more than anything we've heard to this point. I'll give her a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE for that... Biden is waiting.

9.42 - Biden likes numbering his responses during his allotted time. Definitely effective for the Cliffs Notes folks who will read of this carnage tomorrow. Immediately, he pulls out a move worthy of a CANDY/BABY INCIDENT -- "I don't believe I heard a plan in that answer." Yeah. The question was asking about a plan, and he segues that into the fact that Obama has a clear plan.

Palin's counter? The dems plan is a "white flag of surrender". Pretty beast line. I give a DROPPED ICE CREAM CONE there... this is getting good! Biden's licking his lips in that brain of his, waiting for a time to strike.

9.45 - FUCK WOW. Biden's comeback is truthful, and to the point: "John McCain voted against that same funding package. Let me say that again: John McCain voted against that same funding package." Fuck. Two CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS there, one for each of their kids in (or preparing to) go to Iraq.

Taking a break for a sec: I need to listen to Palin mispronounce "Nuclear" a couple more times. Plus I need a drink. Budweiser is good right now. It's making my right leg numb, and any amount of physical numbness is a good thing as it'll bring me one step closer to the total emotional numbness I need to get through this.

9.50 - Palin's run-of-the-mouth about what diplomacy is was kinda hilarious. She spouts off about Ahmedinejad, and Biden spends some time in his response correcting her that Mahmoud doesn't control any of the power in Iran, at least to the point that he could order a strike or war against another nation.

Fuck, Biden's assault on McCain's comments about Spain was fucking awesome. So awesome. Another CANDY/BABY INCIDENT right there.

Palin is all over Israel's jock, and her promise that a McCain/Palin administration will prevent a "second Holocaust". I'm just leaving that one out there. Tons more talking points from her, and I feel like she is clinging to her script so hard that it might rip to shreds at a second's notice. Biden is showing a lot more improv and a lot more of an ability to switch up his debate time to make a much more emphatic point.

9.54 - Alright, Biden is getting a little carried away. He is being so emphatic and, for lack of a better word, douche-y. He needs to reign his shit in a bit. I realize Palinbot is saying so much egregious, time-stalling shit that she must be called out on, but even so... he cannot just flat-out pwn her. It'll make him look so so so bad.

She ends on a talking point, that "change is coming". Biden's retort: "I haven't heard how McCain's policies are gonna be different from George Bush's" at which point he rattles off several examples of the point he's trying to make. Fuck. That's about 5 CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS.

SERIOUSLY Palin, stop mispronouncing "nuclear".

Palin: "we will win in Afghanistan."
Biden: "fact is, our commanding General in Afghanistan said this TODAY, that the surge principles in Iraq WILL NOT WORK IN Afghanistan."

Sure, he then says it two or three more times, sounding like a bit of a douche, but really, the gloves are off at this point. He needs to reinforce just how much bullshit Palin and McCain are talking. More facts, organized in neat bullet points and repeated for emphasis. This is really painful. Really, really painful.

He closes with Obama's reach to Republican Dick Luger upon joining Congress to forge legislation on Iraq. Palin's response: well, the General didn't really say that... she is clutching at straws.

10.02 - Next question, aimed at Biden: he's an interventionist by nature. Can the American people stomach more interventionism?

Biden's response was measured, talking about his experience and time spent in Kosovo and Chad. Palin counters with the pity-me that she's "really a Washington outsider, as I don't understand how you politicians work." She gives the line that Biden voted-yes-before-he-voted-no on war, how he backed McCain's war strategies, and more absolute bullshit. I can't fucking stand this one. How's that for editorializing? She's an awful, odious politician who is out of her depth at the moment. Voting for McCain puts her so close to the red button. Frightening, wretched thought, that.

Palin is back on Biden siding with McCain on war, and she's working back to a talking point about McCain being a war hero. Fucking christ. I really wish she'd fuck off back to Northern Exposure. Seriously.

Biden makes the point of how important this election, perhaps the most important since 1932.

Her explanation for saying-yes-then-no on things on the GOP side? Well, her and McCain are simply a "team of mavericks, what can I say?" Yeah, and yet you look at the left, and how awful and destitute they are for changing their minds on it. I really love how this language is evolving. It's simple: GOP are mavericks so they can change their minds all the way, but the Democrats aren't to be trusted if they do the exact same thing. It's so clever on the GOP's part, and I applaud them. Yet, Palin's shit-eating grin while she says it is really fucking beyond irritating.

Biden's point: the Republicans have fucked this country. Their policies have ruined things, and McCain's policies will be more of the same.

Palin counters with "doggone it" and a whole bunch of stalling. She accuses Biden of "pointing fingers backward" and how the Dems are too busy blaming people rather than getting things done. It's awful to watch. She even gives fucking shout-outs to family members! What the fuck are we seeing?!?!

I won at Palin Bingo thanks to a late mention of "special needs children". Awesome! Something is going right tonight, while the Cubs are down 5-0. Fuckity Jones.

10.17 - This is fucking awful. I'm done. She is literally saying nothing with every response. Fuck this. I'd rather have my heart broken tonight by the Chicago Cubs as opposed to the mumbling and stumbing of Sarah Palinbot, whose smiling and complete lack of substance is really a disgrace on John McCain. Really. He should have seen this coming. She is such an awful match for Biden, in that she is no match whatsoever. She doesn't belong in the executive branch. She doesn't belong anywhere other than Alaska. Really.

Biden gets in a final PWN with 10 CANDY/BABY INCIDENTS on his response to the question about Cheney's interpretation of the Vice Presidency.

Then, Palin does what she's done best throughout this debate: completely failed and avoided to answer the question posed simply to her. Question: what is your real Achilles heel as a VP candidate? Her answer: something about her struggles in Alaska, something about how awesome Todd is, and then a flurry of talking points about what America stands for and how awesome America is, and how they share being an awesome team and ticket with the only proven record of "getting things accomplished".

Really, Sarah? Really?

If I were Biden, I'd have jumped across the stage and flat-out stabbed her. Instead, he keeps his calm and ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE QUESTION. He puts his record and Barack's up against McCain. He chokes up at talking about his children and wife who died (didn't know that), and does a great job of being humanized just when he was in danger of going off the deep end in ripping her ass apart.

Palin's response? STILL NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION. She goes off on talking points about McCain.

Biden comes back with how many times McCain voted with Bush on just about fucking anything and everything there is. I'd do the candy/baby thing here, but what's the point? We're all watching this. Biden is murdering her. In front of millions. In front of the entire world. In front of us right now at TMS Towers.

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