All Star Drunkblog: The Late Edition

July 14, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

I'm here, I'M HERE! Sorry I'm late what did I miss? Top of the 5th and the NL is leading 3-2? Oh sweet Jebus let's hope they can hold on.

9:02 - Just sat down for the 5th inning and Utley and Pujols made great defensive stops. It's amazing to see a second baseman with ability for a change.

9:04 - Joe Mauer is a motherfucker. Jesus was Ryan Braun playing in CF? How far was he from that ball? AL ties it 3-3.

9:06 - When it comes to handheld devices, U2 are a fickle bunch of assholes aren't they? First it's iPod and now they're shilling for Blackberry. Have you no shame Bono?

9:08 - Joe Maddon is a helluva manager. I also loved his work opposite Will Smith in "Enemy of the State."

9:09 - Wait, Edwin Jackson is good? When did that happen?

9:11 - All Star record for fastest half inning right there. The bottom of the 5th was over before it started.

9:15 - Ryan Zimmerman is only 24 years old? He's gonna be something whenever he gets to play for a major league team.

9:17 - You make the call. Joe Maddon.....or.....Joe Maddon?

9:19 - Adam Jones looks like the bastard child of Eric Davis and I mean that as a compliment.

9:22 - This drunkblog is brought to you by Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA, the official beer of watching the ASG on the couch with a hot notebook on my lap. I'm sweating like Brando here.

9:23 - Jesus, don't blink or you'll miss the NL bat apparently.

9:24 - Last commercial break there was the largest advertising abortion I've ever seen. It was like a 5 minute Taco Bell commercial that was a blatant ripoff of Andy Samberg's music videos. I hate Taco Bell. I can't remember the last god damn time I went there and was happy with their food. Just a pile of AIDS-laced shmag meat in a tortilla shell.

9:26 - Albert Pujols being interviewed right now. I had no idea he was in the All Star Game. You'd think being in St. Louis they would've made a bigger deal about that.

9:28 - Francisco Cordero is pitching. You know who's not pitching tonight? Chad Cordero.

9:29 - Another quick half inning. This drunkblogging is a breeze.

9:32 - Allow me to be a dick for a second. This singing of "God Bless America" at the 7th inning stretch is complete and utter bullshit. I think I ranted about this before in an old post. I'm close to deeming it a War Criminal. I can do that now and not worry about Dick Cheney secretly wiretapping me.

9:36 - My wife just mentioned that Jayson Werth looks like Leif Garrett. I don't even know what to do with that information.

9:37 - Who would be a bigger douchebag if you bumped into them at a bar, Ryan Braun or Jonathan Papelbon? That's a question for the ages.

9:39 - Leif Werth strikes out to end the 7th inning. Not an exciting last couple innings. Both teams seems to be happily burning through their pitchers though. Is anyone concerned about extra innings? I mean this one "counts" remember?

9:42 - Just saw the one play I missed while I was getting another beer. Carl Crawford robbing a possible homer from Brad Hawpe. The one exciting thing since I logged on thus far and I missed it.

9:45 - 1 out in the top of the 8th and V-Mart is being intentionally walked to bring Adam Jones up. Sure it sets up a possible double play, but I have a bad feeling about this.

9:49 - Eric Davis bastard child with the sac fly. 4-3, AL takes the lead now. Damn it all to hell.

9:51 - Ben Zobrist is now up. Mark it dude, Zobrist will be the Alexei Ramirez of next year's fantasy draft with positional qualifications at 2B/3B/SS/OF.

9:54 - New Mercedes E-Class, basically drives itself according to the pompous commercial. Why can't they work on more important shit like making cars fly and cooking me a steak?

9:56 - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, tonight's game has been deemed the most boring ASG of all time.

9:58 - Adrian Gonzalez. Screw Jake Peavy, this is the Padre you want for your team. Adrian Gonzalez is a grown ass man! He built the Eiffel Tower out of steel, and brawn.

10:00 - Email from former TMS bartender Brant Brown a few hours ago: "Wow, the guy driving Musial in the cart was classic. Didn't even look at Obama until Obama stuck his hand in front of him to shake. Hopefully that shows up on YouTube." St. Louis still acknowledges Jim Crow laws, don't they?

10:02 - Meanwhile a game has started as the NL has men on the corners with Ryan Howard up. 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th. My weiner is alert but not tingling yet.

10:05 - Orlando Hudson steals second. A fine time to mention he was a fucking free agent this offseason, ahem, Mr. Hendry! I'm not a science major but last time I checked as far as second basemen go it's Orlando Hudson > Mike Fontenot > Teri Schiavo > Aaron Miles.

10:07 - Howard strikes out. AIDS.

10:08 - Spiriva for people who have COPD. What the fuck is COPD? Why do I need a commercial for this. If my breathing is fucked up, my doctor will prescribe something. War Criminal: Prescription drug ads. They should be banned right along with tobacco ads. Fucking waste of money. "Your Lipitor will be $117 sir. Yes I know that's a lot for a 30 day supply but did you see how great their last commercial was?"

10:10 - 9th inning has begun. K-Rod is pitching. Mariano Rivera is warming up for the bottom of the 9th. It doesn't matter that he's 52 years old. Mo will probably mow the NL down.

10:12 - The band Jet has to be happy that Budweiser commercials are helping to keep them mariginally relevant by using their one big hit.

10:13 - But we don't broadcast in a 1,000,080p? You don't really broadcast much in 1080p either DirecTV. Stop being such misleading fuckers.

10:16 - I missed the first half of the game. Did a demented Tim McCarver refer to President Obama as a negro or colored? I'm sure Stan Musial's golf cart driver did.

10:18 - Brad Hawpe looks befuddled against Rivera. Speaking of closers, put Lee Smith in the HOF already. Then we can be done arguing for a while until Hoffman and Rivera are eligible. Beyond that I don't see anyone being remotely close to consideration right now.

10:19 - Brad Hawpe might as well have left his bat in the dugout. Down to Miguel Tejada.

10:21 - Lazy pop fly ends the game. The AL wins again. Dammit all to hell. Rivera gets his 4th save in an All Star Game.

10:23 - The NL still has not won an ASG since 1996. Think about that. In 1996 the NL All Star team included Barry Larkin, Tony Gwynn, Matt Williams, Ricky Bottalico, Mark Grudzielanek (as an Expo!), and Steve Trachsel as the lone Cub representative. Yeah that should make you feel depressed.

10:26 - Ugh, why am I still drunk blogging? Carl Crawford is being presented with the ASG MVP Award to a nearly empty Busch Stadium.

10:30 - Flomax will decrease your semen.

10:31 - "The Taco Bell postgame show is sponsored by Taco Bell." -Joe Buck. That's why you get the long dollar Motherbucker!

10:32 - What's with the sad bastard symphony music? Is this the fucking Oscars?

10:34 - Eric Karros interviewing Prince Fielder. "Hey Prince, how did it feel to get that pinch hit double?" "Uh it felt good." Hardhitting shit right there that only Eric Karros can bring you.

10:37 - A new sitcom on Fox with Michael Strahan and Carl Weathers? How can that possibly fail?

10:40 - Alright folks, McCarver and Buck are signing off and so am I. Good night.

Rockies in 6!