I was going to do a Drunk Blog about the season premiere (actually 2 episodes) of Hell's Kitchen last night, but I ran into a technical difficulty, namely, I don't have a laptop computer so I can't watch the show and write a blog post at the same time. So I did what any good blogger would do, I drank a shit load of Smirnoff (neat, of course) and I took notes. Unfortunately, taking handwritten notes while drinking and having the handwriting of a doctor combined with a two year old has left me with 10 scraps of paper of pure gibberish. And so we go by memory.
As expected, the "chefs" for this season suck at cooking. The Red Team (girls) took 11 times before getting the first appetizer correct. Fancy pants Melinda went through enough pasta to feed Italy for her appetizer before she got it right. The Blue Team didn't do much better, as 3rd generation Chef and Diner Owner Louie goes through lamb chops like it was an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for Andre the Giant. Chef Ramsay sent Louie home before the end of service, only to bring back Fatty McRobert, who had to left last season because his weight problem forced him to quit for health reasons. Guess what, he's still a fatty. He goes to the Red Team though, after Melinda, who cooks for rich fucks on their yachts, was eliminated.
Oh, and we already have some of our "key" players, including our token gays: Tenille (or Whoopi Goldberg in disguise) and Tony from Chicago, who somehow manages to get a reference to sticking things in his mouth into every interview he has. We also have Van, who almost fights JP the Maitre'd in the first episode and Bad Ass USMC Joseph, who at the end of the second episode challenges Chef Ramsay to, "take it outside". Then we get the "To Be Continued", followed by what looks like firetrucks and ambulances in what can only be a Columbine type massacre. What will happen next week? I'm sure it's not nearly as exciting as you think...or care.
So what can keep you tuned into Hell's Kitchen if you don't have an unusual obsession with reality cooking competitions like myself. How about making a drinking game out of it? Let's setup some rules.
1 drink for a bleeped swear word.
This alone will get you trashed, as I counted 59 bleeps throughout the first episode alone. That's more than one bleep per minute, if you take out the commercials, so I would recommend not watching from your DV-R.
1 drink per contestant crying in an interview.
3 drinks per Chef Ramsay throwing down undercooked/overcooked/shitty-looking food on the floor.
2 drinks per every time Tony makes a reference involving his mouth.
4 drinks for every time Van is going to "Fuck someone up"
1 shot for every animal reference by Chef Ramsay, as in "You stupid donkey"
The producers must have told him to not do this as much, as I counted only 1 reference the first two episodes.
These are your rules so far, hopefully I will be updating and making more rules as we go along. And for the record, the guys are 2-0 in challenges and 1-0-1 in service, unlike the past seasons where the girls pretty much kicked ass. I'm sure if there was more tail on the Red Team, we would see the producers helping out the Red Team to go on bikini trips around Cali, but as it is, I would rather see JP in a banana hammock than most of the girls in a bikini. Also, season 2 winner, Heather, is back as the Sous Chef for the Red Team, making her the most attractive girl on the Red Team unfortunately.
So in review: Louie and Melinda sent home. Fatty McRobert from last season comes back and is a girl. Joseph is on massive amounts of steroids and freaks out, so we don't know who goes home yet for episode two. Next episode will feature firefighters and people freaking out. And Chef Ramsay will be pissed, you fucking donkey!