How To Get Laid in 12 Easy Steps

July 23, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Adam Blank

It seems that one of the bartenders is having a hard time with the ladies. I don't want to embarrass the poor guy by name, so I'll call him Lordi. Much like Milton Bradley, Lordi can't seem to make it past first base. Being the kindhearted individual that I am, I decided to help Lordi out with Adam Blank's How To Get Laid in 12 Easy Steps, which is the only 12 step program that anybody really needs.

1) Find a girl who is hot but has low self-esteem. They're usually shy and dress poorly.

2) Pretend you find her interesting for some reason other than her vagina. If you actually do find them interesting, that's even better! You won't have to fake it.

3) Try to get them to hang out with you in a situation where they don't feel threatened. If it goes well, try to get them to hang out with you again.

4) Give them a nickname. "Legs" has worked wonders, but "Toots" is a fine back-up if their legs aren't so great.

5) Make them feel like they need to hang around you more. Something like, "I don't feel like cutting myself when you're around," only maybe less pathetic.

6) Once they feel like they need to be in your life, back off. Pretend you could take or leave their friendship.

7) When they try to make plans, make it seem like they're imposing on you, but let them hang out anyway. "I was going to watch TNA Impact, but I guess you cold come over if you wanted."

8) Buy some orange juice and a bottle of decent liquor. Stash the liquor in the back of the fridge. Make sure it's not completely full, but no more than 1/3rd can be gone. If it's in the back of the fridge and it's nearly full, they won't think you're an alcoholic. Go with a vodka or tequila, as whiskey is not for every woman.

9) Make sure they know about the liquor, but do not be like, "HEY! I HAVE BOOZE!" They can smell a trap. Rattle off drink options, and then at the end mention that you've had a bottle of liquor in their for a long time that could be used as a potential beverage if the other options don't suffice. 75% of the time, they'll pick the booze. If not, then you didn't have a chance anyway. Instinctually, they will mix it with the orange juice, so have a clean glass available, you filthy bastard.

10) Let them get themselves tipsy; NOT DRUNK. This is for legal, moral, and physiological reasons. And stay relatively sober yourself. Wait about an hour, and begin to subtly compliment them, but don't pour out your heart or anything stupid like that.

11) Make small "moves" and let them make the big moves. Again, this is for liability purposes. Alcohol and flattery practically ensures that they will make a move.

12) Dispose of the body in a lake or other    large body of water. Wooded areas are frowned upon...