America is a country founded on not only getting what you want, but getting it as soon as possible.
Overnight shipping? We invented it.
Instant replay? We invented it.
Pay-Per-View? We invented it.
Premature ejaculation? We probably didn't invent it. But we damn well should have.
No one loves this country of instant gratification more than me. I love the fact that as soon as the baseball season is over, I can see mock drafts for fantasy baseball the very next day. I love the fact that VH1 couldn't even wait until 2010 to start up their "I Love The 2000's" show. And nothing gets me aroused quite like the fact that Quiznos delivers to my door. You mean I can basically get a fattier version of Subway delivered to my door without having to go through the usual motions of "getting in my car" and "wearing underwear and pants"? Hell yeah, I'm there!
With this in mind, I'm now bringing you the Year In Review for 2009. Why wait until the year is over to decide what was awesome?
January 3 - Peyton Manning loses to Phillip Rivers in the playoffs again. This is the last straw for Peyton and he dies 4 days later, killing himself by attempting to shoot 47 commercials in 3 countries in 7 languages in a week.
January 20 - President Barack Obama is sworn into office. Notre Dame quickly signs him to a 12 year extension to coach their football team. Charlie Weis pulls a Pizza The Hutt and eats himself.
February 14 - Chosing Valentines Day as an appropriate time, Pomp Culture writer and male porn afficionado Chaim Witz comes out of the closet. His wife is the person least surprised about this. The Universe, needing to keep things balanced, causes PC writer Dave Thomas to somehow become 'even more straight'. The aftermath of this event causes downtown Chicago to look like the last chapter of Watchmen.
February 17 - U2 releases their newest album No Line on the Horizon less than a month after Bruce Springsteen's latest effort, Working on a Dream. Rolling Stone magazine changes its format to a 2,000 page per month tome just so they have enough room to 'properly give each album the minimum amount of praise that it deserves'.
March 15 - Selection Sunday for March Madness comes and goes. The Oklahoma City Thunder, rumored to be one of the most deserving 'bubble teams' does not make the tournament. Early season losses to the Washington Wizards, Eureka College Red Devils and Sacred Heart Cathedral Girls High School Basketball were most likely what did them in.
March 20 - Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage, opens in theatres. I take the entire following week off of work and spend every dime I have trying to get the movie to number 1 at the box office. Behind a nation of Nic Maniacs, Knowing grosses $850 million in its first week of business and is awarded every Oscar for 2009 right then and there, as well as Marisa Tomei's 1993 Oscar for My Cousin Vinny.
Later on March 20 - I wake up.
Even Later on March 20 - I still go see Knowing 3 times.
April 1 - Jesus comes back to Earth and calls a press conference. Every single nation in the entire world tunes in. Jesus has a good laugh, telling us that April Fool's Day isn't actually a real holiday and that the joke was on all of us the entire time. And that even he thinks Peyton Manning is a douche.
May 12 - Apple releases their newest life-changing product. At the release, they actually come out and admit that they;ve been selling overpriced gadgets for years and that they used the false sense of smugness of their fanbase to sell anything at all. They say that their new product is nothing more than mongoose feces in a small plastic container with an Apple logo on the side. Steve Jobs explains this as the ultimate test to see if anything Apple puts out will sell. The iShit sells out in 38 states.
June 22 - Still thinking he has power, George W. Bush declares war on the McDonalds down the street for fucking up his McGriddle.
July 30 - Just weeks before the start of the regular season, Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress takes a play out of the Blagojevich playbook and offers to sell the starting QB spot to the highest bidder. The only bids he gets are from Jeff George, Ryan Leaf, Cade McNown and Keanu Reeves.
August 5 - A 4 hour Scarlett Johansson sextape hits the internet. The internet overloads and shuts down within 13 seconds. Chip Wesley is never seen or heard from again.
September 12 - VH1 decides to relaunch their station format. From now on, they show nothing but the hit show "Best Hour Ever" that recaps the hour that just happened, every hour of every day for the rest of eternity. Fans of Rock of Love protest the show's passing, but perk up when they realize they can see Bret Michaels hit on slutty chicks whenever they want to at the local college bar that he's playing.
October 4 - The New York Mets complete their annual collapse. For the third year in a row, America wets itself laughing.
October 24 - Cubs win the first of 8 consecutive World Series titles. Natch.
November 26 - I eat too much gaddamn food.
December 25 - There is no Santa Claus. Deal with it.