Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009: AFC Championship Game

January 17, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Welcome to the Tecmo Sim Playoff Predictor! It's the only place on Earth where a showdown between the boring, defense-first Steelers and the just as boring, defense-first Baltimore Ravens can be over in minutes. But much like the real game will be, it seemed to take about 10 times as long to be over than it actually was. Let's check out the highlights:



The Steelers receive the ball to start the game. Ben Roethlisberger tries some trickery at the line of scrimmage where he comes out of the huddle looking just like every other white player on his Tecmo team! This doesn't prevent him from getting picked off on his first pass attempt by Samari Rolle. Take that, British Clock!

Joe Flacco comes out for the Ravens and starts thinking that since Roethlisberger won a Super Bowl in his rookie season, maybe he should be like Ben. With that in mind, Flacco chucks an INT on his first pass as well. Steelers ball.

Taking advantage of the situation, Big Ben throws a loooong pass to Charlie Ward...err...Daryl Ward...umm...Hines Ward. Follow that up with a short run by Mewelde Moore, and you've got yourself a 7-0 Steelers lead. As you can see from the picture on the right, Moore's contact also came out on the play and he had to spend 10 minutes looking for it.

Jeff Reed's crappy kickoff gives the Ravens the ball at their own 40. Flacco converts a huge 3rd down conversion with his legs, and his linemen give him some time to rest on the next play when he has about 10 whole seconds of protection to lock on to Mark Clayton for a huge TD grab. At the end of the first quarter, it's all tied up 7-7.


The Steelers go 3 and out and punt to the Ravens. Flacco and Co. don't do much better, giving up consecutive monster sacks to Aaron Smith. That guy is a beast! There's no number on the front of his jersey because he murdered them, but not before murdering all of their friends and family. The Steelers get the ball back, drive down the field behind the running of Willie Parker, and kick a field goal. Exciting. Not.

It's halftime, and I'm napping already. 10-7 Steelers.


"Pittsburgh: Where The Cheerleaders Have Only 1 Eye..."


Baltimore is happy that they get the ball to start the half. Wanting to be as big a douche as possible because his team benched him at the end of the season, Willis McGahee coughs up the ball and the Steelers are back on offense.

Terrell Suggs gets pissed that in Tecmo, his uniform looks pink and takes that aggression out on a gigantic sack on Big Ben. But the Steelers recover and kick another field goal. Pittsburgh is up 13-7.

The Ravens decide to pull out all the stops and go back to a high school offense. They run a reverse...that fails. They run another reverse...that fails. Le'Ron McClain catches a screen pass for juuust enough to give Baltimore a first down. They decide to go back to the reverse...and fail yet again. Joe Flacco gets tired of being on the field and throws an interception.

Not wanting to give his opponent time to sit and have a break and maybe some hot chocolate, Roethlisberger throws an interception of his own so he can get back to his spot on the bench before it gets cold. Flacco responds by completing a 30 yard pass to Todd Heap and Le'Ron McClain finishes off the drive with a 2 yard run (a reverse!) for a touchdown. As seen in the picture to the right, he and the referee accidentally superglue their asses together. No one cares, because it's 14-13 Ravens and by this time, everyone wants to go home.


On the next play, Roethlisberger does what he does best: holds on to the ball too long and takes the sack. The Steelers do nothing and punt to the Ravens. There's under 2 minutes left, so the Steelers have to start using their timeouts. On a 3rd and long, the Ravens bust out...THE REVERSE! Clearly the Steelers didn't think the Ravens would continue to use such a terrible play, because the run goes for 25 yards and pretty much seals up the game. That Brian Billick truly is an offensive genius. What? He's not coaching anymore? When did that happen?

The Steelers make things interesting by stopping the Ravens dead in their tracks and getting the ball back with under a minute to go. However, Roethlisberger completes the Circle of Life. he started the game with an INT to Samari Rolle, and he ends the game with an INT to Samari Rolle. Ravens win 14-13.

Player Of The Game was me, for having to sit through this without being able to change the channel. BOOOOOOO-RINNNNNNG!