Tecmo Playoff Sim 2009

Back by mildly popular demand, it's time to once again simulate the NFL playoff outcomes on the most ingenious and amazingly accurate prediction system ever created: a copy of Tecmo Super Bowl for NES with the roster's edited to the players of today.

It takes a man of great talent and insight to put such a thing together. A man lacking any semblance of a social life who willingly sacrifices dignity, self-respect, and taking showers, to produce this product for the greater good of society....

....and that man is me.

For this weekend I will cover two games. The Baltimore Ravens at the Tennessee Titans, and the Arizona Cardinals at the Carolina Panthers.

BALTIMORE at TENNESSEE

The Ravens coming off last week's win over Miami, take on the top-seeded Titans. Both have pretty tough defenses so there probably won't be much scoring here.

First Quarter

Baltimore wins the toss and elects to receive. While starting with relatively good field position they do nothing and quickly go 3 and out.

Tennessee returns the punt and starts on their own 13 yard line. Collins finds McCareins deep and a big run from LenDale White puts the Titans well into Raven territory in no time. But just as they get momentum Collins is picked off by Fabian Washington at the 5 yard line.

Tennessee's defense manages to pick up the safety though and put the first points on the board (2-0, Titans).

The Titans return the ensuing kickoff to the 50 yard line and another long pass to McCareins takes them down to the 15. The drives stalls out though and Rob Bironas blows a 31 yard FG attempt.

Second Quarter

Baltimore continues to not do shit with the ball. That is until on 3rd and 12, Joe Flacco finds Derrick Mason who makes a jumping catch, dodges his defenders that dive too early in classic Tecmo fashion and waltzes into the endzone for a touchdown (7-2 Ravens).

Tennessee, again successfully drives the ball downfield and into Baltimore territory. But once again Collins is picked off. This time by Jim Leonhard.

After Le'Ron McClain runs for a first down, Flacco throws three straight incompletions and the Ravens punt for a touchback. I begin thinking of what could be more pathetic than watching this game? Simulating the X Games by watching the computer play Skate or Die?

With time running out, Collins gets picked off yet again by Fabian Washington. I haven't seen a computer QB play this poorly on Tecmo since Steve Grogan. The clock runs out and we go to halftime with the score 7-2 in favor of Baltimore.

Third Quarter

The Titans get the ball to start the half and Jesus H Christ if Kerry Collins didn't throw another pick, this one again to Jim Leonhard. What the hell? Did I program Collins wrong, did I make him an alcoholic again?

The Tennessee defense is doing everything in their power to keep the game close, as is Joe Flacco. The guy is literally standing in the pocket for what seems like days before a defender can reach him and the dumb son of a bitch still gets sacked. Baltimore punts for a touchback.

Tennessee gets rolling yet again with LenDale White running 46 yards on the first play. Clearly they just need to run the ball and forget the passing game at this point. Nope. They try some more passes, Collins gets sacked, the drive stalls. Bironas hits a 52 yard field goal (7-5 Ravens).

On the kickoff Yamon Figurs fumbles the return, Tennessee recovers on the Baltimore 21. Things are getting interesting as the third quarter comes to an end.

Fourth Quarter

Sweet Jebus! Tennessee couldn't find their assholes let alone the endzone. Three failed plays and Bironas comes out to kick another field goal. But they at least have the lead (8-7 Titans).

Baltimore gains some ground on a 12 yard pass to Derrick Mason, but Flacco is sacked deep on a blitz and the Ravens face 3rd and 21. With time ticking away, Flacco throws long and finds Mark Clayton for the touchdown. 1991 Tecmo Mark Clayton nods approvingly (14-8 Ravens).

Tennessee in what is looking like a final do or die situation begin their drive. Kerry Collins is actually throwing to his own team for a change but they seem to not know how to catch a ball as Justin Gage drops two straight wide open passes. Perhaps he should watch the Ravens secondary more to see how it's done. With time almost gone they have to go for it on 4th down. Ray Lewis sacks Collins and the Ravens take over on downs.

Le'Ron McClain puts the final nail in the coffin and scores on a short run (21-8 Ravens).

Time runs out and the Ravens emerge victorious. I emerge from my beer fridge with another bottle of Schlitz as I blah out the memories of this game I actually watched and chronicled.

Player of the game goes to Joe Flacco, who pretty much didn't do shit but when it counted had two huge TD passes, both on 3rd and long situations.

Yeah Le'Ron McClain's name looks all fucked up. Apparently an apostrophe is too much for 1991 8-bit technology to comprehend.


ARIZONA at CAROLINA

It's the high-powered passing game led by Kurt "Sultan of Stubble" Warner, versus the tough running duo of DeAngelo Williams and that other guy.

First Quarter

Arizona wins the toss and gets the ball first. I immediately regret my decision to not change the Cardinals playbook from the original Tecmo Super Bowl as they keep running the same horrible reverse play with Larry Fitzgerald that never works. A quick 3 and out and it's Carolina's ball.

The Arizona defense is fired up. After a sack by Gerald Hayes, Antrel Rolle picks off Jake Delhomme and gives the Cardinals the ball on the Carolina 23.

Warner takes no time to take advantage of the situation and connects with Anquan Boldin on the very first play (7-0 Cards).

On the next drive, Carolina realizes that Delhomme sucks and decides to run the ball instead. DeAngelo Williams runs all over the Arizona D and eventually finds the endzone to tie things up (7-7 tie).

Arizona returns the ball to their own 13. A couple nice runs by Edge and a big pass to Boldin put the Cards in Panther territory as the quarter ends.

Second Quarter

The Cards are forced to a 3rd and 16, when TD Jesus strikes again, finding what is looking like his favorite target today, Anquan Boldin for another score. At least in the 8-bit video game realm, his hamstring is just fine (14-7 Cards).

Carolina is really looking like shit as they fumble the kick return. Arizona recovers at the Carolina 10. The Panther defense clamps down however as Jon Beason sacks Warner and the drive stalls. Neil Rackers hits a field goal to salvage things (17-7 Cards).

Carolina finally gets another drive going but Delhomme throws another pick, this time in the endzone. Arizona farts around with the ball on a series of runs with Edge and that god damn Fitzgerald reverse again. Time runs out and they go into halftime with a 10 point lead.

Third Quarter

Carolina seems fired up to start the half as they successfully march down the field 70 yards, finishing things off with a TD pass to Muhsin Muhammad (17-14 Cards).

Arizona goes 3 and out and punts. This actually could turn into a game here.

Nope, Antrel Rolle intercepts another errant pass from Delhomme after a Carolina drive that took them down to the red zone. The Cardinals grind it out on the ground with Edge as the quarter ends.

Fourth Quarter

Carolina manages to stop the Cards and force the punt. With the Panthers looking to take the lead, the wheels come off as Jake Delhomme decides to run with the ball but fumbles. Bertrand Berry recovers, giving Arizona great field position.

So what does Warner do? Throw another touchdown to Boldin, that's what (24-14 Cards).

Things are looking dire for the Panthers. Before they can really get anything going, Jonathan Stewart fumbles the ball. Antrel Rolle recovers and once again the Cards have the ball with excellent field position.

Warner decides to spread the love this time and finds Larry Fitzgerald for a touchdown. Put a fork in the Panthers, this game is over (31-14 Cards).

The Panthers flounder a few final plays of futility while I suck back my Schlitz and think about the thousands of things right now I could be doing that would be more productive than this. Game over, Cardinals win, Panthers lose, I search for more beer.

Player of the game obviously is Kurt Warner but Antrel Rolle deserves a special nod as well. In the postgame interview Warner gives credit to his wonderful teammates, especially Jesus who made everything possible. Wait, I don't remember putting Jesus on their roster...

....oh wait, I guess I did.

Jesus is an all around great player, but his "turn the other cheek" philosophy makes it tough for him to lay an effective hit on his opponents.

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