Getting Married? Read This:

When you're preparing to be married it's astonishing how many things you need to learn. You'd think that it was just as simple as finding a church and finding a reception hall (or if you're really smart and ahead of the game, what time the Justice of the Peace opens up). Not so fast, Buster. It's a crazy, mad world that you enter. Suddenly questions are heaped upon you. You want to cower in the corner, but you know that you have to prove your role as Man of the House.

What about health insurance? Who's place will the two of you live in? Where in the hell do you put all of your stuff? What do you have to do to have her last name changed? What type of cookware is best - non-stick, stainless, cast iron? How do you do your taxes once you're married? Do you keep your bank accounts or do you make it a joint account? What are the names of her cousins again?

That's only the tip of the iceberg, man. Luckily there are plenty of websites and books out there that attempt to make this process easier for you. They provide an actual timeline and checklist that allows you to see what decisions you need to make and when you should have them done by. I can't tell you how great that is to have something like that. How did people even go about this in the 50's, 60's, and 70's? Oh yeah, weddings back then just involved you wearing whatever suit or military uniform you had, and a wedding reception (if you even had one) was nothing more than sitting in someone's backyard or garage with a pony keg of Falstaff, a few loaves of bread and a serving tray of ham and sliced cheese.

As helpful as those books are, advice from recently married friends is solid gold. Straight from the horse's mouth. The real deal. If it wasn't for a conversation I had with one of my married friends the other night, I would have missed out on this completely. Non of the websites I have visited or books I've read have mentioned this precious nugget of information at all - not a one. How they have overlooked it is downright inexcusable. Of course I'm talking about The Waiver.

Allow me to quickly describe how this came about. A few nights ago, I attended a Wild Game Feed at the local Knights of Columbus. I had known about this for a few weeks and told my significant other that I'd be attending with my friend. This was a guys only function and, for the most part, she understood. A horn honked outside my house at 5 as my friend had arrived to drive me there and I told her I'd probably be home around 9:00 or 9:30. Long story short, I ate some bear meatloaf, pheasant casserole, and a bevy of other "wild game" that was only edible when washed down by copious amounts of your standard fare American Macrobrew. As we got in my friend's truck to head home, it was 11:30.

I groaned, knowing that I'd take some heat, albeit minor, over the gross misinterpretation of time. My friend looked at me stupefied and said, "Uh, are you saying you don't have The Waiver in place?" I had to plead ignorance. I had no clue what he was talking about. What happened over the next 5 minutes was a lecture that should be given to all new husbands-to-be. If you haven't heard of The Waiver, luckily I'm here to recap the highlights. The genius behind it is that it's fully customizable to each husband.

• If I say that I'm going to be home at 10pm, what I really mean is that I'll be home around midnight or a little after. A two and a half hour buffer is granted.
• Fishing knows no laws of time. If the fish are biting, the two and a half hour buffer is waived, and it becomes "whenever the fish stop biting".
  
• Unanswered calls during fishing time are not punishable.
• While a game is going on during football season, I'll try my best to listen to you, but if I retain anything of what you said, it will be what I wanted to hear.
• Just because the door is locked while I take a shower, it does not necessarily mean that I'm pleasuring myself.
• Strip clubs and bachelor parties go hand in hand. Moral stances aside, it's something that happens. It's out of my control.
• Trips to you parents house are not a problem, but shall be set at one per week. Any additional trips shall be decided on a case by case basis. This is also 100% reciprocal.
• Fantasy sports are not for "kids". I don't know why girls aren't allowed at the drafts. It's just the rules.

I've understood that this waiver holds quite a bit of weight, and that's it's best to take it to your local City Hall to have it notarized. Perhaps having it matted in a plaque would be a good idea as well. Of course, she would have to sign it before you got to that stage. I'm still in the Awe Stage of things right now, I haven't gotten all that far. Hmm, I wonder what the best way is to present this to her?

.