5 More Things I Don't Understand

A while back, I did a post titled "5 Things I Don't Understand," where I discussed my confusion over the popularity of things like Crocs and saying that something is "the balls." Well, there are still quite a few things that I don't understand, so I've decided to discuss 5 more...(this is the part where you either say to yourself "Eh - what the hell?" and keep reading...Or you say "fuck it" and wait for Daft Funk's afternoon post)...

1. Addressing an envelope to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Schmoe. As a lady, this kind of cheeses me off. I know that it was probably the proper etiquette back in the day to address a card or a letter to "Mr. and Mrs." and then whatever the man's name was, but can we maybe change this? I work hard. I pay my share of the bills. I have my own opinions and thoughts. Why can't my name be on the card, too? The word "Mrs." has 4 characters (if you count the period). My first name has 6 characters. Aren't I worth the extra 2 characters? (don't answer that). Or, hell, skip both of our names and just address the envelope to "The Schmoes." That'll save you a ton of time since you'll be able to skip writing everyone's first name. Also, I'm not going to be married for another few months, and I'm already starting to get items addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. blah blah." How do you know I'm going to change my name when I get married? What if I'm going to keep it because I'm too lazy to call my credit card company and the DMV to change my last name? Perhaps you see this as some feminist rant, but I just think it would be nice to see my name on an envelope once in a while...

2. Message tees. Now, I'm not talking about t-shirts that feature the name of a band, or a political candidate, or some kind of cause...I'm talking about the ones that say things like "If You Can Read This, You Haven't Had Enough Tequila." What is the purpose of these t-shirts? Are they supposed to inform me of something? I think I can judge when I've had enough alcohol myself, thank you. And what about the ones that say stuff like "I majored in beer in college." Um...Awesome? And what's up with the shirts that say things like "I'm a bitch and proud of it." Do you think that you can then be a bitch to me, and I'll say something like "Well, it's my own fault for getting into it with this person. They tried to tell me they were a bitch via their t-shirt and I just didn't listen." No. I will be just as irritated with you - with or without the t-shirt warning. And one time, I saw a shirt that just said "Slut" on it. Whatever happened to playing hard-to-get?

3. Surprise birthday parties. Now, let me preface this by saying I hate surprises. Why? Because 90 percent of the time, they're not good...It's hardly ever "Surprise! You've just won a million dollars!" It's usually more like "Surprise! I'm serving you with divorce papers!" or "Surprise! Those chicken wings you ate aren't going to sit so well in your stomach!" But here's why I don't get surprise birthday parties: When you throw someone a surprise birthday party, you usually have to pretend like you're not going to do anything for their birthday in order to pull off the surprise. Then, the person you're trying to surprise spends the weeks leading up to the surprise party pissed at you because they think you're a birthday-forgetting asshole. I'd rather just say "Hey. I'm gonna throw you a sweet birthday party," and have the person be happy with me the whole time. Also, 9 times out of 10, someone spills the beans about the party...And then, not only did you have to deal with the whole "you're a birthday-forgetting asshole" thing for a few weeks, but the surprise got ruined on top of it. I think I'll pass, thanks...

4. Unprotected left turns. You know when you have to make a left turn across traffic because there's no green arrow - just a solid green light? I hate those. First of all, they don't seem to do much for traffic flow (in my opinion), because most of the time, there's so much traffic going straight, that only like 2 cars get to turn left per green light. So then you've got a long ass line of cars backed up waiting to turn left. And secondly, unprotected left turns seem dangerous. I lived in Los Angeles for 7 years, and there were unprotected left turns all over the place. And you usually had to wait until the light turned yellow to make the turn - because the cars going straight would slow down as they prepared to stop at the red light. Well, how do you know that someone isn't going to speed through that yellow light and plow right into you? I don't need to gamble with my life every time I drive to work. I'd just like some more green arrows, please. I hope this explanation made sense. I've had a lot of whiskey tonight.

5. Those E*TRADE baby commercials. Do you know the ones I'm talking about? It's basically a series of commercials with a talking baby telling us about how he bought stock. Look, E*TRADE, I get the message - buying stock through E*TRADE is so easy, even a baby can do it. But do you have to send this message in such a gnarly manner? It seems like every time I sit down with something to eat, the commercial where the baby buys stock and then spits up comes on. Stop putting me off my bowl of rocky road, E*TRADE baby! And what about the one where the baby is telling us about E*TRADE Mobile Pro, and then gets some kind of weird e-mail message from a chick, and then the baby says "Oh, bad girl!" Babies shouldn't say shit like that! Look - babies are cute and innocent. They shouldn't be telling girls they are "bad" or whatever. And while we're on the subject of odd commercials, what's the deal with these new Geico ads where a stack of money with eyeballs shows up out of nowhere all creepy-like? Why is the money I could be saving stalking me? I guess this is why I don't work in advertising...

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