War Criminal: Getting Hit In The Nuts

January 27, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

I was going to come up with some witty opening for this piece, but I think it goes with the spirit of what I'm about to say if I'm blunt and to the point.

Getting hit in the nuts sucks. It's terrible. Outside of breaking a bone, being impaled or having a baby, it's gotta be the most painful thing that can happen to your body.

Getting hit in the nuts sucks. It's an unholy act from the depths of Hell that can strike at any moment, without warning, leaving you in a whimpering pile of broken dreams and shattered testicles.

Getting hit in the nuts sucks. It doesn't care what color you are, what kind of car you drive, who you voted for, whether you're a good person or who you voted for on American Idol (although if it was for Clay Aiken, you probably deserved it).

For our female readers, there's no way I can describe what taking a shot to the beanbag feels like, just as you wouldn't be able to convey to me what it would feel like to deliver a baby. It hurts, but in about 12 different ways, all of them worse than the last.

The most terrifying thing about the nutshot is that it can strike at any time from any place. You have just as much of a chance of getting hit in the sac jumping on a crowded trampoline as you do making yourself a sandwich at home. Out for a walk with your dog? He could easily go after a rabbit, pulling the leash in just the right way to make you go crotch-first into a mailbox pole. Driving your car? All it takes is one industrial-sized pothole to send you flying up out of your seat just high enough to arrange a brief meeting between your balls and the bottom of your steering wheel. Nutshots don't care if your mom is around or if you tipped well at dinner last night. It's coming for you, and you aren't going to realize it until it's too late.

But the unexpectedness of a knock to the cock is only the second most fearsome trait of the nutshot. The worst part is the delay, the false hope that, much like an episode of Full House, everything is going to turn out alright, right before everything in your life goes downhill. Fast.

See, for all of those who haven't taken a kick to the groin, there are a few seconds of shock right after contact but before 'Admiral Testes brings the pain'. Immediately after you get hit between the legs with a foot/broom handle/doorknob/whatever, you aren't in any discomfort for at least 3 seconds. This is more than enough time for you to allow yourself a fleeting moment of hope that you didn't take as bad a shot as you thought you did. For those seconds, you think to yourself, "Damn, I think I just got away with one" even though you know better. You've been down this road before, but you can't help feeling like no matter how many times you've faced this situation in the past, this time was going to be different.

It's not. It never is.

Slowly, things start to go black. Your testicles begin to throb with unbearable pain. And guess what? That's just the beginning, chief. Just like a school of salmon swimming upstream, this little situation is headed north. Slowly it feels like someone is squeezing all the air out of your stomach. Your abdominal walls cramp up and your body forgets how to do anything but curl up and die.

Your nuts are connected up through your midsection by a common nerve center. When you get hit in the nuts, this nerve center causes the abdominal muscles to lock up like a time vault at the bank. This causes your body to hunch forward, nature's way of protecting the family jewels. Another effect this has on you is the squeezing of the stomach, which can cause shortness of breath and nausea. The lack of oxygen to your system prolongs the pain between your legs. If hit hard enough, you can pass out. In very extreme cases, the shock to the system can potentially stop your heart from beating.

I'm going to say this again because of how scary it is: YOU CAN GET HIT IN THE NUTS SO HARD THAT YOU WILL DIE.

"Hey, how did Chaim die?"
"Someone at his league night knocked him in the junk with a bowling ball. He died just like he lived: hands down his pants, screaming and eating nachos."

I'd like to tell you not to let that be you, but I can't. Like I said, these things can strike from anywhere at any time. You can be as cautious as you want, but it's still gonna happen eventually. My only piece of advice is to stay away from children.

Yes, you heard me. It's my scientific belief that children cause more nutshots than all the skateboards and hyperactive canines and footballs in the world put together. I do note the irony that a child would cause so much damage to a place on the body directly responsible for its creation. Call it the Circle of Life. or Hakuna Matatta or something like that. For one thing, children are reckless, nothing but a moving mass of flying elbows and knees that would make Karl Malone jealous. Add to that the fact that most kids are just the right height to always have a groin shot, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

To a lesser extent, stay away from skateboards and camcorders. When the two of them come together, it's nutshot breeding ground. Take a look at the clip below. Skateboard + Camcorder = A kid hitting his nuts so hard his GODDAMN SHOES COME OFF!

So female readers, if you've ever hit someone in the nuts accidentally, apologize to them. If you ever did it on purpose, and it wasn't in self defense, never cross my path because I have nothing to say to you.

Gentlemen, please use the comments section to vent about the most memorable shot to the pills that you've had in your life. By writing it out and sharing your pain, you'll feel a whole lot better. Unless said nutshot shattered one of your testicles beyond repair. Then you'll probably still feel bad.

The most painful nutshot ever recorded.