War Criminal: The Visor

January 25, 2009 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

The visor is possibly the girliest fashion accessory I can think of. To me, it conjures up images of female athletes, tennis and volleyball being foremost in my mind. It used to be that you only would see men wear a visor on golf courses, in smoky poker games, and if they were weary newspaper copy editors. For some reason, the visor has entered a stage where it has become part of acceptable everyday attire. Personally, I blame Eminem and Jon Gruden for this travesty.

The visor is a bastardized version of that American classic: the ball cap. Why someone thought lopping off the top of said cap so one's messy hair can protrude through and be seen was a good idea is completely beyond me. No matter how cool you think you are, you look like an assbag in a visor unless you're holding a 3 iron, going for par. (And even Tiger wears a real ball cap). Trust me on this. What's sad and pathetic is that if you purchase a visor for your favorite sports team, you're gonna shell out as much as if you went the manly route and just bought the fucking ball cap. And I wouldn't have to look at your pouffy sheepdog hair, sweaty bristles, or gleaming dome. Be a man and buy a goddamn hat. Even a trucker hat is better than the abomination that is a man wearing a visor.

Even worse is that men no longer seem content to wear the visor as intended, with the bill facing forward. You know, so it shades your eyes from the sun. So you see hosers walking around with the visor backwards or sideways. And if you're a huge douchebag, there's no better way to advertise that fact than by wearing your visor backwards and upside-down. It's like a giant neon sign that says 'I'm a complete tool!'. Turning a ballcap around is a sign that you're rebellious and cool. You don't play by the rules. Fellas, it's impossible to look rebellious in a visor, no matter how you wear it. Look at the picture below if you don't believe me:

This picture says you're trying too hard. (Bonus points for the little hairstrip on the chin). Somebody please kick this guy's ass. I threw a chair through my office window when I found this picture, it made me so angry.

The last time I wore a visor, it had a little pizza logo on it and I was required to wear the goddamn thing. Anything that resembles clothing that you have to wear while working a crappy food service job should automatically be suspect. What's next, a really sporty apron? Guys, please, just buy a hat. You'll thank me later.