Drunk Blog: Golden Globe Awards

January 11, 2009 | Comments (0) | by T.R.

Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel, Pomp Culture brings you the first Drunk Blog of 2009. It's the Pompous Hollywood Ass-Pat Parade, otherwise known as the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards. As we're on the West Coast viewing the tape delay, we will spare the timestamps and detail the proceedings with bullet points.
  • And Holy Christ, we start off the red carpet hoopla with the fucking Jonas Brothers. No teens say "pompous" more than these three choads. Jonas Wonderpowers, Activate! Form of: Pompous Assholes! Apparently the middle one is diabetic. Chip Wesley is sympathetic to their cause.
  • So Tiki Barber is one of the correspondents on the red carpet. Wow, what a sellout. Strip that Superbowl ring off of his finger. What? He quit right before his team won the Superbowl last year? Bad decision after bad decision for Tiki Barber.
  • Miley Cyrus, is, like, totally at the Golden Globes. And to be nominated is totally overwhelming and she's totally appreciative. Someone let Billy Ray in! Tiki, tackle him! I think Billy and Miley go to the same hairdresser.
  • The High School Musical kids are being interviewed. It is amazing how these young celebrities have literally nothing intellectual to say.
  • Drew Barrymore? Clearly back on the drugs.
  • Jeremy Piven: Pompous Dickhead of the Year. Seriously, someone just needs to beat the shit out of that guy. Even Mark Wahlberg seems reluctant to be associated with him. Does Jeremy Piven have friends? If so, I hope they fuck him over in life.
  • This crew of correspondents really has no clue. "Marisa Tomei, how did you prepare for your role in The Wrestler?" "Um, I don't know, I got naked a lot?"
On to the real show...
  • Everyone is having dinner and no one is paying attention to the awards. Classic. Anyway, second award of the night goes to Bruce Springsteen for his song in The Wrestler. This is the only time in my life that I've approved of something Springsteen put his name on. The moment was fleeting, and I already hate him again.
  • How far has Don Cheadle fallen? They introduce him as the star of the new movie Hotel for Dogs. Not the star of the movies Crash or Hotel Rwanda. Hotel for Dogs. A kids movie. Keep your head up Don Cheadle.
  • Ricky Gervais goes on stage with a pint of beer and nails it. Holocaust jokes be damned!
  • Some female lead just won an award for the film Happy Go Lucky. I guess her name is Sally Hawkins. She looks like a praying mantis. Except with a dress on.
  • Seth Rogan? Not very funny when he's working off the cuff. However, he announces that Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Screenplay. There is justice in the world.
  • Renee Zellweger looks like a sea witch.
  • It would seem as if 30 Rock is the best thing since sliced bread. I wouldn't know from experience.
  • Puff Daddy has no stage presence, which would seem odd given all his "talents". He's as stiff as a board, yet thinks he's a Messiah. Go away Mr. Combs.
  • David Duchovny, quit trying to pretend that you're not a pervert and a sex addict. OK, that might of been harsh. But really, it's true.
  • What, Sarah Palin won Best Actress in a TV Comedy?
  • Danny Boyle wins Best Director for Slumdog Millionaire. You're good goddamn right.
  • Nice to see In Bruges getting some Golden Globes love.
  • Mickey Rourke nabs Best Actor in a Drama. Very well deserved, and it's nice to see someone on stage that breaks the Hollywood mold a bit. Kudos for his performance and comeback.
  • The night is capped off with Slumdog Millionaire taking Best Picture. Fantastic end to the proceedings, with a "fuck" thrown into the acceptance speech for good measure. If you haven't seen Slumdog yet, consider it your PC task of the week.