A Clearly Intoxicated Ronald McDonald Handicaps the Playoffs

12:10 PM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Angels vs. Red Sox

My hometown Halos should be fine, so long as Donnie Moore is shutting the door on bitches come the ninth inning. What? Wait...Donnie Moore committed suicide twenty years ago? Because of a postseason home run he gave up to the Red Sox?

Yeesh. Oh wow, I did not know that. That is...hmmm....I guess I'm going to have to say advantage Red Sox then.

Do you have an address where I can send flowers?

Yankees vs. Indians

With Willie Mays Hayes, Roger Dorn, Pedero Cerrano and Rick 'Wild Thing Vaughn' I really don't see how this team can lose. What? Wait...that was a movie? Nooooo...are you kidding me? Fuck you. This guy. This buzzkill off camera. Feed me some more lines of bullshit why don't you?

Cerrano goes deeeeeeep and makes Chief Wahoo proud. Take that blonde bitchy general manager! Indians sweep.

Rockies vs. Phillies

Brett Myers beats his wife. The Saloon staff draws the line at spousal abuse and so does Ronald McDonald. Advantage Rockies. Plus I think they brew beer in Colorado. Even better. (Pumping fist) Rock-y! Rock-y. Rock-y. I love that movie. (Singing) Head for the mountains of Busch....beer. Owwwwww! Raise it up!

Diamondbacks vs. Cubs

You heard it here first. At the (howling) Saloooooooon! The Cubs make baseball history by winning a Best of Five series in two games. That's right. I'm drunk but I am serious! They win the first two games by so many runs that the Diamondbacks refuse to travel to Chicago, thereby forfeiting the series. I don't know any of the Diamondbacks. I say to you Arizona, "I'm not familiar with your work, nor have I any desire to be. Move along. I shan't be bothered with your Aztec hues and adobe mansions. Do you have a song to rally the troops? A "Go Diamondbacks Go" if you will? No you don't. So go huddle underneath your cactus/retirement home. Or is it cacti? I can't be bothered with such trivial pursuits. Trivia Pursuit. Fucking love that game.

Look me in the eye. Look me in the goddamn eye. I've got something to say. Only gonna say it once. (Burp) Shhhhhh.....(whispers) Go Cubs Go. (Passing out)

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