Rock Of Love: FINALE!

October 03, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

As a special treat, for last week's Rock of Love finale, I've recruited the lovely Claire from E-Claire's Cream Puff to help out with this one. And I'm glad, because this much awesome could not be covered by just one person.

Here's the running diary. We may or may not have been drinking while this was going on.

9:03 - Bret, Jes and Heather all board a plane to take them from California to Cabo San Lucas for a romantic getaway. Once they land in Mexico, Heather starts grinding all up on the Mexican dancer ladies that greet them at the airport.

Daft Funk: I don't know what was worse; the fact that all three of them were wearing matching cowboy hats on the plane ride, or that VH1 knows that its target audience is so dumb that they pretty much have to include a flashy cartoon graphic showing the plane's trip from LA to Mexico. Either way, Jes is the Trent Dilfer of this episode. Heather is going to shoot herself in the foot. All Jes has to do is just not do anything crazy or stupid, and she's got this thing all wrapped up.

E-Claire: Can I just say that I'd be lost without that informative map they just showed? I had no idea that in order to get from Los Angeles to Mexico, you had to get on a plane. And who knew that Mexico was SOUTH of Los Angeles? Thank you VH1. I would've also been completely lost if Bret Michaels hadn't repeatedly said things like "We're going to Mexico!" or "Mexico, yeah!" But I agree that this is Jes' competition to win. Heather is hanging by the thread of one of her various tacky lycra dresses.

9:11 - Bret and the gals sit down for one last all-together dinner. Tensions run high as Jes criticizes Heather for being a stripper at 31 still, and Heather implies that Jes is too young for Bret and won't be ready for a family.

E-Claire: I think it's funny when Heather asks Jes if she's ready to be a mom. Are you ready, Heather? What are you gonna do - take your kids with you to the strip club and have the bouncer babysit? How very Britney Spears of you.

Daft Funk: I think it's funny how Heather keeps getting so worked up about people criticizing her for being a stripper. Well guess what? YOU'RE 31 YEARS OLD AND STILL A STRIPPER TRYING TO FIND A HUSBAND ON VH1! There. I feel better now. You could tell that the pressure was on Heather because she didn't touch her food. If you aren't familiar with the show, that's like one of those malnourished African kids on those commercials turning down a Big Mac.

9:19 - So Heather's the first one to go on an "all day" date with Bret. They decide to rent a dune buggy and drive around the desert.

Daft Funk: After Bret drives the sweet dune buggy around, when it's Heather's turn, all the sudden, his diabetes starts acting up. What a selfish prick! He doesn't have any problem with his diabetes for the entire run of the show, and then it "just so happens" to come up when it's someone else's turn to do something fun? For shame, Bret. After the ride, Bret said something to the effect of "If you were to check my butt crack, you'd find sand." I will wake up and give thanks to Heather for not telling us what we could find in her ass. It could have been anything from a kazoo to a female woodchuck and I wouldn't have been fazed at all.

E-Claire: Ok - if Bret says the word "awesome" or "insane" one more time, I will stab my ear with a pencil. Another thing: Come up with some new nicknames. Every time he sees one of the girls, he says something like "Hey Hot Girl" or "Hey Hotness" or "Hey Hottie Hotness Girl." Shut the hell up! As for the date, Bret kept talking about his problems with diabetes, but he kept pronouncing it "diabeetus". Is that how you say it? Am I misinformed? From re-reading this post, it has become apparent that I have a huge problem with Bret's vernacular.

9:25 - After the dune buggy madness, Bret and Heather head back to the hotel for dinner and "dessert".

E-Claire: So Bret keeps asking Heather what she wants to do with her life after she's done stripping, because he's been burned by a stripper before (and not in the good way), so he doesn't want to go through that heartache again. Heather appears to be getting flustered, so she does what any desperate woman trying to get with an aging rock star would do. She tells him she loves him. Bret looks down at his food and says something like "I don't even know what to say...Um...Um..." Wow, burned! Then they forget the whole thing, start making out, and head back to Bret's room...Which he describes as "insane." I will now stab my ear with a pencil.

Daft Funk: Whenever they allude to Bret and Heather sleeping together, I feel like I'm going to be sick. She looks like she would smell like a cross between the worst men's urinal in Oakland Coliseum and the liquid that forms at the bottom of your trash can the day after a really crazy party. You know, the combination of beer and cigarette butts mixed with whatever else you threw out that night and somehow it always attracts bees and when you drag it out to the street on Sunday you always wind up tipping it and spilling that foulness on your pants? Something like that.

9:34 - The next morning, Heather joins Jes at breakfast and tells her about the previous night's date.

Daft Funk: I don't even need to make a joke here. I'm just going to copy down exactly what Heather said to Jes. Keep in mind, this was while Jes was trying to eat:

I really need to go, like, shower, but…I don’t know if I want to take his scent off me. I think I might rather just sit here. Can you smell him? Can you smell him on me?

This cements the award for "Most Awful Thing Ever Said Ever".

E-Claire: No, the "Most Awful Thing Ever Said Ever" award goes to you Mr. Funk...for comparing the scent of glorious Oakland Coliseum to freakin' Stripperella!

9:37 - Jes and Bret hang out on a boat all day, and then head back to the hotel to have a nice dinner.

E-Claire: So Bret isn't feeling well because of his "diabeetus". And he tells Jes she may have to give him a shot in the ass if he goes into a diabetic coma. Jes starts crying (because she's worried...I'd be crying if I ever had to stick something in Bret Michaels' ass. Remember, there's sand and stuff in there). They have a "moment"...then go up to the room and have lots of sex. Isn't young love grand?

Daft Funk: She cries, Bret gets a boner, and they get naked in the hot tub. Nothing new to report, except for the fact that I have now finished my 4th beer and Bret is starting to look like a chick I saw in a Hot Topic last weekend.

9:54 - Everyone flies back to LA and Bret makes his decision.

Daft Funk: It's a good thing that this show gave me so many hours of entertainment, because this was a turd sandwich of a letdown ending. Everyone knew that Jes was going to win from the way Bret acted from 5 minutes into this show till the end. The only saving grace was that Heather was a total bitch when she got rejected. She told the camera on her way out that Bret took advantage of her, and that he was "America's Asshole". What, no love for OJ anymore? I think that was all just stripper-speak for "Oh shit, I just remembered I have "BRET" tattooed on the back of my goddamn neck!" That'll teach Heather to threaten me with a good time.

E-Claire: Oh Heather, you never disappoint me with your bad 80's groupie hair and colorful lycra dresses that show skin in all the wrong places. But the best part of this was when Bret decided to "test" the girls' true devotion to him. He did this by asking if they'd both be willing to be his girlfriends. Heather said yes, Jes said no. And Jes wins. And I was left slightly confused, because I thought Bret would've picked the girl who DID want the threesome. But then again, it's Heather. So I understand. But Heather doesn't have much time to cry (or swear) over this. She has a LOT of stripping to do. I hear tattoo removal is expensive.