A Mile High Minute/Sun Devil Second: Week 5

To continue last week's story, things haven't gone well for our abused girlfriend. Not only was her neurologist boyfriend busted for drugs, he also totaled the new Mercedes by plowing into the kitchen of their posh suburban home. With things on the homefront as bad as they've ever been, she's decided to have lunch with the ex. Its just lunch damn it! No commitment whatsoever...

Chargers 41 Broncos 3

Christ that was horrible. The Broncos' worst home loss since my mother was six and to the lowly Chargers no less. Somehow, letting San Diego get off the mat is even worse than getting beat that bad.

Denver could do nothing right. They couldn't stop the Chargers and they couldn't move the ball. They couldn't even catch the ball. Put some tape on these receivers' hands already. Cutler looks like he's going to cry. Maybe if they wore proper receiver numbers they'd remember they're supposed to catch the ball. There's a special place in hell reserved for Keyshawn Johnson who resurrected the whole receivers wearing low numbers trend.

Cardinals 34 Rams 31

I'd say it feels like old times, but since it feels good, its nothing like old times with the Cardinals. They won a game they were supposed to. Shocking...

The revolving door at QB has come to an end with Leinart's broken collar bone. The Sultan of Stubble will call the shots for Arizona for anywhere from a month to the rest of the year. Since Leinart isn't fit to carry Warner's jockstrap at this point, the longer Warner is in there the better.

With Frerotte at QB, the Rams' offense showed signs of life. Unfortunately for them they also showed signs of having Frerotte at QB. Gus threw three TD passes but matched it with three INTs.

So Arizona pulls it out and share the lead in the NFC West after Seattle's offense took the day off. Mmmmm, this lunch sure is tasty...we should do it again sometime.

Thoughts From Around the League

Dallas - Tony Homo just threw five interceptions, which finally wiped that shit eating grin off his face, but Dallas still won the god damned game. I don't think I've said this with this much gusto since 1994, but I HATE THE DALLAS COWBOYS!

Tampa Bay and Kansas City - The Bucs and Chiefs rushed for 17 and 10 yards respectively. I put up numbers like this when I play Madden, but I compensate for it by throwing for 700 yards and 10 touchdowns. Neither of these teams managed to pull that off.

Baltimore - Fuck Rozerem. If you want a good night's sleep, watch the Ravens. They're 3-2 now, but I stand by my prediction that they'll be really bad. Look at their schedule and you'll see a 10-11 loss season for Baltimore.

Washington - Another prediction I stand by: Washington will make the playoffs. The Redskins are 21-0 at home against Detroit since 1937. Detroit should be kicked out of the league.

and now for something completely different...

The funniest thing you'll see on TV this fall isn't one of these half assed sitcoms with canned laughter, its Mike Ditka on ESPN's NFL Primetime.

Mike just can't understand why teams don't run the ball. He's somewhere in between tears and foaming at the mouth when he goes through these highlights and has to comment on the latest Drew Brees or Phillip Rivers interception.

The solution to everything is "pounding the ball". I'd like to see Mike host a self-help show for losers like Dr. Phil does. Your teenage daughter is a slut? Pound the ball (not your daughter). You weigh 800 pounds and can't leave the house? Run the ball more. Mike doesn't care that you can't take a piss by yourself, much less run. Just run the ball and the pounds will melt away. Soon you'll be twice as sexy as Mike!