A Sun Devil Second: Week 6

October 17, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

With Denver on a much needed bye, I was able to dip my toe further into the Cardinals pool without feeling like a total football slut.

This disgusting picture to the left really sums it up.

As you know by now, Matt Leinart is toast, so the Sultan of Stubble took over the offense. It didn't even last a quarter before he was gone with this elbow injury.

In comes Tim Rattay, and we've all seen this show before. Tim may be a saint in real life, but on the football field he's a worthless douche. Anything beyond 5 yards is a crapshoot and Carolina snagged three of his passes on the day.

Rattay sucks, we all know that. The real problem was with the Arizona D. With Delhomme gone for the year and David Carr busy getting manicures and listening to Depeche Mode CDs, Carolina turned a 75 year old man who haunts me like a god damned ghost: Vinny Testaverde.

Vinny, with one good season out of 21, inexpicably keeps finding work. If 10 years from now they're still releasing Rob Schneider movies, Rob and Vinny will be two peas in a pod.

So with an ancient ass sucking QB calling the shots, Carolina was really left with one guy on offense: Steve Smith. Why didn't Arizona just put three or four guys on him every play? No one else on the Panthers is going to beat you.

They didn't, and on one of the most infuriating plays I've ever seen, cornerback Rod Hood promptly stopped running after Smith caught a pass late in the 4th, allowing him to go 65 yards for the touchdown and take the lead. Here's hoping Ken Whisenhunt gave him a timeout on the naughty stool...and by that I mean I hope he beat him senseless with a studded emo belt.

Arizona travels to DC next week and Denver hosts Pittsburgh on Sunday night. If you don't hear from me next week, see if my head is in the oven.

Update: While I have the oven warming up and noted Warner devotee Chaim sharpens his razor blades, there's some good news: Warner will not require surgery and may even practice this week.

Thoughts From Around the League

New England - I don't care who you are or what you do for a living, but Tom Brady is better than you. Deal with it and move on with your life. From the look of this photo, he also wants to do you.

Dallas - The only thing that pleases me more than seeing the grin wiped off Tony Homo's face is someone shutting Terrell Owens up. Owens had that "clever" sign on his locker promising something fantastic after the game. Dallas lost big time and TO was no where to be found. Ass.

Green Bay - Congrats on breaking the all time interception record you miserable old fart.

Oakland - Welcome back to earth Raider Nation. Never in my life have I seen a group so proud to post a 2-2 record by beating Miami and Cleveland. Try winning a division game before you start talking smack again.

St. Louis - 0-6...wow. Maybe Gus Frerotte isn't better than an injured Mark Bulger. The guy who started Heath Shuler on the road to Congress threw 5 interceptions and lost a fumble.

* **and now for something completely different...

I'm ready to officially close the book on the 2007 MLB season.

Cleveland took a 2-1 series lead tonight behind the bat of...Kenny Lofton? As the grafitti in the church once said, "The end is extremely fucking nigh!"

Colorado just swept Arizona. I know my Cubs brethren here have no love in their hearts for the Diamondbacks, but I just don't like the Rockies. Among other things, a Rockies World Series appearance means my Dodgers have now gone the longest without a trip to the fall classic in the NL West.

A Rockies/Indians World Series would be a nightmare for Fox. No one cares, bugs will swarm the teams in Cleveland, and a game may be postponed due to a blizzard in Denver.

As big a baseball fan as I am, I'm really struggling to follow these league championship series as it is. Rockies/Indians, along with the disturbing image of Tim McCarver in HD, will send me running for the hills. I don't mean that literally either. No one with a penis or over the age of 15 watches The Hills.

*For the record, the image of Kurt Warner's mangled arm is probably the least disturbing of the three pictures I used today.

**This sounds dated now, but I wrote it Monday.