Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 4

12:30 PM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

This guy just got done watching the Bears in the 4th Quarter. On to the scores!

Green Bay 23 Minnesota 16

Green Bay WR Greg Jennings was impressed with Brett Favre’s record-breaking touchdown pass in the first quarter, but even more impressed with Favre’s touchdown pass in the 4th quarter.

“The dude is unreal,” said a clearly drunk Jennings after the game. “I mean, not only did he break Dan Marino’s most famous record in the first quarter, but he broke Brett Favre’s record for most TD passes in a career IN THE SAME GAME! And I hear there’s a chance he could break the record again next week!”

Oakland 35 Miami 17

For the second time in three weeks, a Raiders game was delayed by lightning, as opposed to last year, when most of their games were delayed by awful Raiders play. After the game, Joey Porter said “The truth is, we’re not a good team right now.” Then why the hell did you guarantee a win this week? I’m sick of athletes guaranteeing things and then not coming through at the end. The league needs to come up with a punishment for when this happens, like if you promise a win and don’t come through, you get fed to Joey Porter’s dogs.

Here’s a guarantee: next week, half the teams that play will win, but no more or no less. Exactly 50% of the teams that play will win. Take it to the bank.

Buffalo 17 NY Jets 14

With 12,554 career yards passing, Chad Pennington moved ahead of Vinny Testaverde into fourth place on the Jets' list. Earlier this year, Pennington also set the career record for “Most Years Of Being Awful But Still Somehow Getting Picked In Fantasy Drafts, Mostly Due To Auto-Drafts”. See, that Favre guy isn’t the only one setting awesome records every week.

Atlanta 26 Houston 16

After Joey Harrington led the Falcons to a win over former Atlanta QB Matt Schaub, reporters asked Falcons owner Arthur Blank if sticking with Harrington over Schaub was as smart a move as it looked on Sunday.

“No, that’s still a fuck up on our part,” said Blank. “I mean, sure we may have won a few games, but come on…it’s Joey Harrington. I’m pretty sure he won on accident.”

Detroit 37 Chicago 27

I’ll give Brian Griese a break this week. Sure he didn’t look a whole lot better than Rex Grossman, but one of those interceptions was not his fault, and he’s only been playing with the first team offense for a week.

That doesn’t change the fact that the Bears look awful right now. Maybe it’s the “Super Bowl Hangover” or maybe it’s the injuries. Until we get everything sorted out, Griese should take each snap, and pass the ball backward 30 yards to Devin Hester, who would run every play like it’s a punt return. The Bears would be unstoppable.

Cleveland 27 Baltimore 13

The old Browns lose to the new Browns. Does anyone care? Anyone? Bueller? Didn’t think so. Next.

Dallas 35 St. Louis 7

Does anyone else hate the fact that the Cowboys are good again? If this were a normal year, and just the Cowboys were good or just the Packers were good, I think I would be ok with it. But the fact that they are both playing well and undefeated makes me want to eat my own face. And for all of you that picked Steven Jackson with a top-3 pick in fantasy football drafts this year instead of Joseph Addai…sorry.

Tampa Bay 20 Carolina 7

Jeff Garcia became the latest QB to lead his team past David “Fancy Gloves” Carr. Garcia said after the game that he had extra motivation to pull out a win because he thought that he would also win the gloves from Carr with a victory.

“Those gloves are simply to die for,” said Garcia, “and I have 3 pairs of shoes at home and several handbags that would just look so yummy with them!”

Seattle 23 San Francisco 3

Does anyone else realize that if Seattle hadn’t botched one play at the end of their game a few weeks ago, they would be sitting at 4-0? Is this going to be one of those teams that everyone forgets about, and then in a few months you look up and go “Shit, Seattle is 9-2? When did that happen?”

Kansas City 30 San Diego 16

The continuing struggles of the Chargers makes me feel a little better about the Bears disaster. I can picture Marty Schottenheimer sitting at home watching every Chargers game and laughing for 3 hours straight. Do you think he calls Norv Turner at 3 AM just to hang up on him? I would.

Arizona 21 Pittsburgh 14

Some people may wonder why Kurt Warner was playing for the majority of this game. It turns out that Kurt and Matt Leinart had a competition before the game to see who could grow the worst stubble on their face. Whoever won the contest would play for most of the game. Since both QB’s tied, the second tiebreaker was “Who has slept with Brenda Warner in the last month”. When Warner and Leinart surprisingly tied again, Warner won the contest by winning the second tiebreaker, which was “Who has less bastard children.”

Indianapolis 38 Denver 20

Colts win. Denver loses. Travis Henry impregnates 4 more women. Some things never change.

NY Giants 16 Philadelphia 3

Well this was a turd sandwich of a game if I ever saw it. Every time I looked up from dinner, McNabb had been sacked again. I looked up from my dinner exactly 12 times last night. I’m not making this up. It’s just a strange coincidence. McNabb was lucky that my dinner was as good as it was or that sack number could have easily been 15 or 16.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Daunte Culpepper, OAK (5 TD: 3 rush, 2 pass)
RB - Ronnie Brown, MIA (15 carries, 134 yards, 1 TD, 6 catches, 73 yards)
WR - Patrick Crayton, DAL (7 catches, 184 yards, 2 TD)
WR - Santonio Holmes, PIT (6 catches, 128 yards, 2 TD)
TE - Dallas Clark, IND (6 catches, 76 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Seattle (3 points allowed, 1 broken Alex Smith)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Trent Dilfer, SF (128 yards, 2 INT)
RB - Michael Turner, SD (2 carries, -2 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - Kevin Curtis, PHI (2 catches, 21 yards)
WR - Steve Smith, CAR (5 catches, 32 yards)
TE - Jeremy Shockey, NYG (1 catch, 17 yards)
DEF - Chicago (34 4th quarter points)

Monday Night Pick
Cincinnati over New England. Trust me. I'll look like a genius at this time tomorrow.

0 comments: