Monday Afternoon Hangover

9:20 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Here's the Week 6 rundown. Feel free to peruse it while we fetch Mel another coffee and assure him that "Bird On a Wire" didn't suck THAT bad.

Tampa Bay 13
Tennessee 10
Vince Young gets hurt, and former drunkard Kerry Collins fails to win it for them as Matt Bryant nails the game-winning field goal for Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia was most pleased, saying Bryant "really knows how to put those balls right where you like 'em."

Kansas City 27
Cincinnati 20
Kansas City still sucks balls, but fortunately for them, the Bengals are even worse. If only Cincinnati could play as well as they commit felonies. Tony Gonzalez had 2 scores and became the all-time TD leader for a tight end.

Philadelphia 16
New York Jets 9
Good lord. If you play in a fantasy league that heavily relies on TD's, you have to be shaking your head, your fist, and possibly your weiner at these games. McNabb to Curtis was the only touchdown this entire game as it then became a big kicking duel with the Eagles winning out.

Jacksonville 37
Houston 17

The Jag-offs have really come on as of late and improve to 4-1 after trouncing the Texans. Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor put up video game-like numbers, combining for 215 yards rushing on just 18 carries (11.9 yards/rush). The Texans only TD came from the arm of backup QB and former Cyclone Sage Rosenfels during garbage time.

Green Bay 17
Washington 14
For all intents and purposes, Washington should be 5-0. But instead they pissed away that game against the Giants, and now lost a very winnable game in Lambeau. The Brett Favre renaissance seems to be fading already. Brett went 19/37 with no TD's and two picks.

Cleveland 41
Miami 31
You know he's out there. That fantasy manager that had both his QB's on a bye this week and in last minute desperation said, "Fuck it, I'm rolling with Lemon!" Cleo was responsible for all 4 of Miami's touchdowns in some capacity. But unfortunately, in a battle to see which defense could play worse, Miami's D proved to be the crappiest. The Dolphins move to 0-6 on the season.

Minnesota 34
Chicago 31

Good to see the Bears finally show up to play ...... in the fourth quarter. Adrian Peterson made Chicago his bitch, racking up a franchise-best 224 rushing yards and 3 TD's. The Bears offense did look better though, with Griese throwing for 3 TD's. Also Devin Hester proved he's still a badass.

Baltimore 22
St. Louis 3
Good lord. 0 touchdowns and 5 interceptions for Gus Frerotte. Apparently St. Louis doesn't have a 3rd string QB. Maybe they should look up Tony Banks. Jim Everett? Baltimore. Blah, I have nothing to say about those assholes.

Carolina 25
Arizona 10

Holy Christ people. Carolina is not that good! As the Governor said in an email yesterday, "First the DB just gives up on the Steve Smith touchdown and then Arizona doesn't bother to challenge on of the most questionable interceptions in the history of the NFL ........ I can't remember a more infuriating game. Just put half your D on Steve Smith and Carolina can't do shit. Argh!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile the Sultan of Stubble sprains his elbow. So much for the Cardinals making a run. All Tim Rattay gives you is yet another reason to drink Arizona fans. At least you have the D-bags ...........oh wait.

San Diego 28
Oakland 14

LaDainian Tomlinson has had enough of this shit. The fake LT went off yesterday, running for 598 yards with 8 TD's, before a pissed of Oakland threw their controller down and hit the reset button. In the rematch, Tomlinson only managed 198 yards and 4 TD's.

New England 48
Dallas 27

Sick of this Tony Homo character stealing some of the spotlight, Tom Brady unleashed the fury in Dallas, throwing for 388 yards and 5 touchdowns, even tossing one to his brother Kyle. Normally I enjoy watching the Cowboys get destroyed. But this one had me feeling a little uneasy. Maybe because I had pooped myself again.

New Orleans 28
Seattle 17
Way to go New Orleans on finally winning a game. Seattle looked terrible. I especially loved that great throw at the end by Hasselbeck that may have actually hit the retractable roof at Qwest Field before ending up in the hands of a Saints defender. My only guess is that Matt was playing Tecmo Bowl* before the game and was successfully throwing 80-yard rainbow passes to Steve Largent, so he though perhaps it'd work in real life.

With the Saints win, that leaves the Rams and Dolphins as the only winless teams. I like to think that when the last team finally wins a game, the surviving members of the '76 Buccaneers have a little celebration like '72 Dolphins do after the last unbeaten team falls.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (388 yards, 5 TD)
RB - LaDainian Tomlinson, SD (24 carries, 198 yards, 4 TD)
RB - Adrian Peterson, MIN (20 carries, 224 yards, 3 TD)
WR - Braylon Edwards, CLE (5 catches, 67 yards, 3 TD)
TE - Tony Gonzalez, KC (9 catches, 102 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Baltimore (3 points allowed, 4 sacks, 5 INT, 1 fumble recovery)


The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Gus Frerotte (5 INT, 1 fumble, thousands of suicidal Rams fans)
RB - Jason McKie, CHI (6 yards, 1 fumble)
WR - Vincent Jackson, SD (1 catch, 5 yards, failure at life)
WR - Santana Moss, WAS (0 catches, 0 yards, 1 fumble)
TE - Boone Stutz, SEA (1 fumble lost, terrible name, shits on the toilet seat in public restrooms)
DEF - Miami (41 points allowed, to the Browns)

Monday Night Pick
When Mongoloid Manning faces off against Joey Harrington, there are no winners. My pick: Shows from last week that I DVR'd but haven't watched yet.

*Wow I really apologize for the excessive video game references.

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