Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give that man a great offensive line and he will put up ridiculous passing numbers.

October 24, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

One of them is really ugly. One of them is sssssuper hot. One of them dates supermodels. The other falls asleep alone in a recliner, masturbating to his playbook and a glossy photo of Merlin Olsen. How could two players have such superficial differences yet be so insanely good when placed on a 100 yard patch of well maintained grass?
Well sure, there's the so-called 'intangibles', blah blah blah. Pedigree...zzzzz....knowledge of the game (fingers in my ears)...physical tools (yawn)....I could go on. But I won't. I will sum up their success succinctly, with a healthy dose of bitterness.

These guys have all frickin' day to throw.

Seriously. Watch a Patriots game this year, or any Colts game the last 5 years or so. Let the record show that Peyton and Tom (a new reality show, coming to the CW!) have been blessed with a multitude of talents. Mobility isn't one of them. Yet these guys rarely get sacked. Moreso, they never even seem to get 'hurried'. Even a woman could tell you that if a QB gets time to throw the ball, his chances of completing a pass rise exponentially.

I was actually watching a Colts game the other day. Do you know how much time Manning had? (How much?) He had so much time that he went to the sideline, hauled a Weber grill out to midfield and grilled a steak ('well done' mind you). Sitting down (Indian style), he slowly and deliberately cut his steak into symmetrical pieces and chewed each piece 25 times. He would occasionally mix his steak pieces in with his mashed potatoes and corn. This tasted good to him and reminded him of when he was little, eating school lunches with Eli, alone at an empty table, devoid of friends. This made him sad and he wanted to cry. He sipped a glass of iced tea. The glass was sweaty. While he ate, he watched a rerun of 'Becker' on a TV that he jimmyrigged on the field, courtesy of an extension cord and some well placed rabbit ears. 'Becker' made him happy again, but also a bit sleepy, as Ted Danson tends to have that effect. So he took a nap. He woke up, a bit groggy eyed and did some stretches to warm back up. He then made a long distance phone call to his mother before finally hitting Reggie Wayne in stride for a 45 yard touchdown pass.

How many times have I watched a game hoping to see Peyton Manning get hurt? (Answer: Every game I've watched Peyton Manning play.) But goddammit, you can't hurt a guy if you don't hit him.

Same goes with Brady this year. Did anyone see the game against the Dolphins? Granted, bad example since it's the friggin' Dolphins, but still. That second touchdown he had to Moss he had a good 7 count in the pocket before he had to throw it.

Now I'm not saying that these guys aren't good. But I would argue that even Chadwick Pennington could be a serviceable QB given the time these guys have to throw. Are their O-lines that good? I dunno. But it pisses me off. Why can't my favorite teams have offensive lines like that? It's not fair. I know. "Chaim, life isn't fair."

All the time in the world to throw + patently unfair weapons of mass destruction at your disposal = The Worldwide Leader in Sports having multiples at the mere mention of your name.

One Mississippi, Two Mississippi...