Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: Week 7

May 20, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by 'each week', I mean 'probably not each week'.

La Semana Siete

Wet Fart of the Week: The San Diego Padres - Mark Prior gets hurt. Wait, how can somehow who's already hurt get more hurt? Oh, leave it to our towel (and salad) tossing, USC-edumacated white boy to find a way. Then their one ray of hope, Jacob Peavy, goes down with 'elbow troubles'. Time to officially wave the white flag. Or white towel if you will. Just trade Mad Dog now. Let that caged bird fly.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Josh Hamilton, Rangers - While his hunting buddy across the pond (huh?) in Houston, Lance-in-the-Pants Berkman gets all the sexy headlines and John Kruk reach-arounds, it's Hammy that quietly leads the majors with 50 RBI to go along with 11 HR and the responsibility of carrying the pitching thin Rangers on his broad, tattooed shoulders. Everybody kinda figured he'd be good, but this good? One could reasonably call his numbers 'prodigious'.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Nick Swisher, White Sox: This goateed son of a bitch has found himself firmly entrenched on many a fantasy bench, as owners wait for him to stop laying pipe and start laying wood. Ozzie Guillen inexplicably batted him leadoff for the longest time, which seems to be more than a tad ricockulous. There's still hope for him once the Chicago weather turns more Oakland-esque this summer. Aside from Carlos Quentin, the entire White Sox lineup is hitting about as well as my gay cousin. (Note: My cousin's poor hitting has nothing to do with him being gay.)

Finally, the Gods Have Answered Our Prayers: An all Florida World Series: The Marlins vs. The Devil Rays - Unfortunately, for viewers outside of the Sunshine State, you'll have to watch the series online, as Fox has opted to not broadcast it, instead opting for reruns of 'King of the Hill' and 'America's Dancing Midgets: Oh No They F*&%ing Didn't!'

OMG! Chipper Might Hit .400! Berkman Might Win Triple Crown! LOL! No. Just stop. It's May. I know that you're desperate for stories until football mini-camps start, but please. Check back in August.

Did You Know? Ted Lilly allegedly doesn't wear his wedding band when he goes to bars. Sssssscandalous.

Give These Guys A Greasy Taco:

David Murphy, Rangers: .414 AVG, 2 HR, 7 RBI
Carlos Quentin, White Sox: .381 AVG, 2 HR, 1 SB
Jayson Werth, Phillies: .348 AVG, 3 HR, 12 RBI
Clint Barmes, Rockies: .462 AVG, 2 HR, 1 SB
Todd Wellmeyer, Cardinals: 2 W, 2.08 ERA, HUH
Albert Pujols, Cardinals: .433 AVG, 4 HR, UGH
Jose Guillen, Royals: .407 13 RBI, Not Accused Of Murder

Give These Guys a Taco Filled With Cilantro:

Alex Rios, Blue Jays: 4/26, ORBI, OSB
Kenny Rogers, Singer: 15.75 ERA, Bad Temper
Melky Cabrera, Yankees: Not Miguel
Andrew Jones, Dodgers: Torn Knee Cartilage. Bruised Ego.
Vlad Guerrero, Angels: .174 AVG, 2 RBI, Getting Fat
Chip Wesley, TMS: Poured a beer on my head