Impotence Rankings

1:31 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

(Guest Written By Daft Funk)

5/12/2008
Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Baltimore Orioles (NR) - The Orioles started out the season strong, going 14-9 over their first 23 games. But then the Orioles woke up and remembered that they were the Orioles and they've gone 5-9 since. And that includes an unexpected 3 game win streak against the Royals, so it could have been even worse.

Amazing Stat: Nick Markakis leads the team in batting average...with a hefty .267 mark. F-.

9. Milwaukee Brewers (NR) - Nothing makes me happier than seeing the Brewers on this list. Well...if the Cardinals joined them, that would be pretty sweet too, but I'll take what I can get for now. Once thought to be the main competition for the Cubs in the Central, Milwaukee isn't waiting until August to tail off like last season. Things seem to have de-railed after the Gallardo injury and the Brewers are 3-7 in their last 10 games.

Amazing Stat: Just a scant 2 days after declaring himself unfit for the closer role, Eric Gagne says he's ready to be a closer again. Steroids will do crazy things to your brain. Gagne leads the majors with 5 blown saves and 6 colonies of lice living in his skeezy beard.

8. Kansas City Royals (8) - Things don't look all bad for the Royals. Brian Bannister and Zach Greinke both look like solid pitchers that should contribute for years to come at the top of the Kansas City rotation. Still, just like the Orioles and one Chaim Witz, Kansas City seemed to blow its load too quickly. Since starting out the year 9-6, KC is 7-15 and 2-5 over their last 7 games.

Amazing Stat: The Royals have 19 steals on the season. Joey Gathright has 10 of them. Alex Gordon is tied with 2 other Royals for second on the team with a whopping 2 steals.

7. Colorado Rockies (3) - 8 games out of first. On the losing end of Greg Maddux's 350th win. The first team to lose 2 in a row to the Padres. Things can't get much worse for God's Squad. You know how the Giants are terrible? The Rockies are a game worse in the standings right now. Ouch.

Amazing Stat: So much for being a hitter's paradise. The Rockies are only 10th in the NL in team batting average and 11th in runs scored. Where have you gone, Blake Street Bombers?

6. San Francisco Giants (6) - The Giants may be one game better than the Rockies in the standings, but that doesn't save them from being worse here around the Saloon. If you haven't been keeping up with the Free Tim Lincecum series over at Steve Finley Was Here, you should take a look. This guy really does deserve better, although his emo-hair is almost bad enough for me to hate him.

Amazing Stat: Get this...the Giants have 16 quality starts as a team. Half of them belong to Tim Lincecum. Surprisingly, 3 of them belong to one Barry Zito.

5. Detroit Tigers (9) - After a completely terrible start, the Tigers looked like they were turning things around, especially when Curtis Granderson came back to the lineup. But the Tigers have had an awful May, going 3-7 so far this month. And Miguel Cabrera seems to be fine with spending all of his $150+ million on Twinkies.

Amazing Stat: The story of the Tigers in 2008 has been the crappiness of their pitching. Jeremy Bonderman leads the starting staff with a 4.80 ERA.

4. Washington Nationals (NR) - Not even a visit by The Hundley can save the Natty Light's from landing back in the rankings. The Nationals have already lost 8 in a row at one point this season, and are just 1-5 over their last 6.

Amazing Stat: Ryan Zimmerman, the "savior" of Nationals baseball, leads a lineup that ranks in the bottom two in the NL in AVG, OBP, SLG, OPS, SB. They do rank first in STD's.

3. Cincinnati Reds
(2) - As long as Dusty is at the helm, giving at-bats to Corey Patterson and Ryan Freel instead of lobbying for Jay Bruce to be called up, the Reds will find a place in these rankings. It's a typical season for the Reds right now. It's halfway through May and they find themselves 7.5 games out of first.

Amazing Stat: The Reds pitching, as expected, is terrible. Cincinnati ranks 15th in the NL in ERA, BAA, and have 6 saves total as a team.

2. Seattle Mariners (4) - What happened? After being surprise semi-contenders last season, Seattle mortgaged the future a bit by trading Adam Jones to the Orioles for Erik Bedard, in hopes of competing this year. I could have told the Seattle front office that it's just about impossible to compete with both Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre in the same lineup.

Amazing Stat: Someone other than Ichiro leads the M's in hitting! Can you guess who it is? It's Jose Lopez at .312. If you guessed that right, you're a cheater.

1. San Diego Padres (1) - The Good: Greg Maddux got his 350th win on the third try. The Bad: Everything else. This weekend was just the second time that the Padres won 2 games in a row.

Amazing Stat:
The Padres are 1 Jim Edmonds lighter this week. That's gotta count for something.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #5 Pittsburgh, #7 Texas, #10 Chicago (A)

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