Impotence Rankings

May 20, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Minnesota Twins (NR) - After spending a couple weeks off the list, the Twinkies crack the top ten once more. Like most of the AL Central, the Twins have been plagued with mediocre play. I'd have more to say if this team wasn't so damn boring.

Amazing Stat: zzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.

9. Los Angeles Dodgers (NR) - Congratulations to the Dodgers for being the first team to make the Impotence Rankings with a winning record. Without the hard work of Andruw Jones, this never would've been possible. Actually aside from stale farts Jones and Jeff Kent, the Dodgers have been hitting pretty well. Even Juan Pierre is hitting .300 in his last 7 games. Unfortunately Brad Penny has dropped some large turds on the mound and Derek Lowe tripped over them.

Amazing Stat: Blake DeWitt is batting .322 with 4 HR and 23 RBI. If he gets benched for Nomar, Dodger fans will be vomiting in their mouths. It's bad enough they have to watch Jones and Kent stink up the joint.

8. Milwaukee Brewers (9) - Once thought to be the Cubs main competition in the Central, the Brew Crew find themselves hungover in the basement, reeking of stale beer and moldy cheese curds. While Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder are crushing the ball, their efforts are wiped out by the sad sack of garbage better known as the Brewers pitching staff. Ever since Yovani Gallardo gimped up his knee, this staff has been terrible at best.

Amazing Stat: Eric Gagne notched a save this past week in an inning of work. He gave up 1 hit, walked 1 and struck no one out. To quote the Bobs in Office Space, "What exactly, would you say you DO around here?"

7. New York Yankees (NR) - Someone needs to tell MLB that they're standings have a glitch in them. It appears they have accidentally flip-flopped Tampa Bay and New York in the AL East. Oh wait.....

The Yanks are riddled with injuries right now, but hope is on the way. A-Rod is back today, which will mean no more Alex Gonzalez/Morgan Ensberg two-headed monster at 3B. Also Robinson Cano finally remembered how to use his bat again.

Amazing Stat: The last time the Yankees were in last place this late in a season was June 20, 1995 after a tough 8-7 loss to the Orioles. Your starters for that game: Sterling Hitchcock vs. Arthur Rhodes. Donnie Baseball was playing 1B and Steve Howe came in to pitch relief

6. Seattle Mariners (2) - The Mariners managed to play not so shitty this week as they drop 4 spots in the rankings. Seattle's starters pitched great recently, but their offense has been pretty dismal. Raul Ibanez seems to be the only one hitting worth a damn.

Amazing Stat: Richie Sexson......just go away. For God's sake the Mariners are spot starting Miguel f'n Cairo at 1B!

5. Washington Nationals (4) - Yep, still bad.

Amazing Stat: Ichiro's 20 steals is twice as many than the Nationals have total as a team.

4. Colorado Jesus (7) - The Rockies snapped their 6 game losing streak on Saturday, but it wasn't enough to keep them from moving up the rankings to #4. With Tulowitzki out, Clint Barmes and his oft-misspelled last name is hitting the ball as well if not better than he did pre-deer meat debacle.

Amazing Stat: The 2008 Rockies clubhouse theme song is "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.

3. Detroit Tigers
(5) - Holy crap, you got swept by the Royals last week? Not only that, but the Tigers are now 0-5 against those wily kids from KC. So what happened to this team? While most point their fingers at the absolutely inept starting rotation, Jim Leyland naturally is blaming Ken.

Amazing Stat: Justin Verlander is now 1-7 with a 6.05 ERA. He's clearly the front-runner for "Best Mike Maroth impersonation."

2. San Diego Padres (1) - Aaaaawww. After two weeks at the top of the dung heap, the team from a Whale's Vagina has slipped to number 2 in the rankings. Are they getting better? No, not as much as some team is getting worse. Maybe the Cubs should trade for Maddux so he can have a better chance of surpassing Clemens in wins.

Amazing Stat: Jake Peavy meet Mark Prior. Mark will be your personal counselor as you get through this difficult time. Now there's no reason to be sad Jake. Have Mark show you his impressive towel throwing he's perfected over the years. That'll cheer you up.

1. San Francisco Giants (6) - At long last the prodigal sons find their rightful place on the throne of crap. They've lost six straight now and righting the ship will be a daunting if not impossible task. I don't know what else to say. This team is bad. Check out their starting lineup last night:

1. Fred Lewis, LF
2. Ray Durham, 2B
3. Randy Winn, RF
4. Bengie Molina, C
5. Aaron Rowand, CF
6. Rich Aurilia, 1B
7. Jose Castillo, 3B
8. Omar Vizquel, SS (He's still alive?)
9. Pat Misch, P

Not exactly Murderer's Row. And holy christ they're old. Why not bring back Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell? At least they could probably hit better.

Amazing Stat: Barry Zito, 0-8, 6.25, still sucks at life. If you listen closely you can hear Brian Sabean plunging his office toilet after it clogged from flushing too much cash down it.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #3 Cincinnati, #8 Kansas City, #10 Baltimore