War Criminal: Current Men's Fashion

May 30, 2008 | Comments (1) | by Rich Funk

What is this world coming to?

Every day I see society fall deeper and deeper into the gaping maw of absurdity. There are at least 3 times a week where I witness something or overhear something that makes me want to wander into traffic.

Nowhere is this more apparent than the mall. Malls are barometers for everything that is wrong with the world. If you're feeling good or wake up one day hopeful and full of life, convinced that everything may just turn out all right, get your ass down to the mall and see how sunny you are after 5 minutes.

I'm not saying that malls are completely useless. I actually enjoy going to the mall at times. But these are usually the times when I don't have much else to do. Things at the mall don't bother me as much when I don't have a schedule to keep or things to get done. It's times where I actually have a goal, around birthdays or Christmas, that the evil side of the mall rears it's ugly head like the triumphant return of a particularly irritating case of herpes.

Take last week for example. I went to the mall to look for some new clothes. The weather is heating up, so I figured I could treat myself to some new selections for the ol' closet.

I almost didn't make it out alive. There used to be about a 30/70 split in the amount of clothes that were "normal" and the ones that were "goddamn stupid". That's closer to a 1/99 split now.

The following are pictures of random things in the men's section of a high end store in the local mall. What you see here may frighten you.

This is the first thing that I saw that made me want to throw up. Look, I get the whole "distressed" thing. Having your clothes look more worn out and beat up than they actually are is fine, and sometimes more comfortable. But Jesus Christ, what the hell is this abomination? The front bill of the hat IS CUT OFF! Check out the side view for a better idea:

Are you trying to impress girls? Do you want to be able to approach girls with a story about how last summer, you almost got sliced in the face while exploring the Temple of Doom but luckily all it caught was the front of your hat? Well then you are in luck. But I doubt there are enough of those guys out there to require selling half-hats in department stores.

One of the problems I have when I go to the mall is that the people who make mens clothing think that we all want to be decked out in skulls and skeletons all day every day. Now I'll be the first to admit that I will wear the occasional shirt with something undead on the front, but it's because I have a rather large collection of Dio and Iron Maiden concert shirts. This, however, is unacceptable. Does the shirt above look familiar? You probably saw Bret Michaels wearing it on Rock of Love.

This reminds me of vomit. Never a good thing.

"You know what would be awesome? I was thinking that I would totally wear a trucker hat. But not just a regular trucker hat. This hat would be sick. First of all, it would have to be mustard yellow. Then we can add the name of two random dudes on it and for some reason, that would make it cost about $70. And then, we could put something on there that looks like a tatoo. You know, because I've always wanted a tatoo but I would never actually get one because I'm such a pansy, which is why I dress in clothes like this and pretend to be such a badass, broham. Oh, don't forget to add a skull to it."

How could you possibly walk around during the day knowing that you had these on under your clothes and not constantly feel dirty? Now if they said "Shaq Diesel" on them, they would be badass. But they don't so they're not.

No, my hand wasn't shaking when I took this picture. There's actually that much shit going on at one time. This makes my head hurt. And again with the skulls! Enough with the skulls already!!!

Even the displays in this place were idiotic. "Hey, instead of having mannequins stand on the floor like they're supposed to, why not have them up on the table in a douchebag pose!?!" That's just crazy talk! That's way too extreme! And why does this mannequin look like Patrick Ewing?

The person who made this was probably thinking "I really love the curtains in my grandma's living room. Why not make a shirt out of them? GENIUS!"

WHOA! Look out! I don't know if you noticed, but there is a pool table int he middle of the store! And they're using it like it's a normal table!!! How trendy is that??? Apparently, putting items on a pool table in the middle of a store automatically makes them cost $97 each. Don't argue. It's science.

What the hell is happening on the front of this shirt? Why is Anthony Rapp from the movie Road Trip ("And my radio is just GONE!") trying to sell me a fishtank that may or may not contain a break in the space/time continuum? And more importantly, does it have anything to with the explosive Smurf diarrhea coming out of his backside?

This happens to me more and more every time I go to the mall. I see something that at first looks like it could actually be a decent shirt. Success! It's not the greatest thing in the world, but at least it's normal. Let's just check out the back of this bad boy...

Awwww fuck! Someone wiped their ass on it. Maybe it was Anthony Rapp.

Man-Jewelry. I'm not Italian, so I keep walking.

See, now this is something I can appreciate: a half-naked woman with a seductive look on her face. One question: Why in the world is she coming out of a tuba? And did she step on a chicken? Why the hell is the chicken in the tuba too? My head hurts...

The worst part? This shirt costs $250. Terrible. I'd rather spend that money on a decent amount of heroin. And I don't even do heroin (yet)!

Screw the mall. Let's call Brett Favre and go get some Wranglers. At least then, we can bust out a decent touch football game.