Them's Fightin' Words

May 01, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Rivalries make sports great. The best rivalries are the ones that matter just as much when both teams are fighting for a playoff spot as when both are in the basement. The Cubs and Cardinals are always a great rivalry. For the longest time, it seemed like the Cards owned the Cubs. Now, the tables seem to have turned. The Cubs have had great success against the Cards for the last few years. Expect that to continue starting today.

What most people don't know (except those who do nothing all day but troll around the internet waiting to spew their uninformed opinions onto the masses) is that every time the Cubs and Cardinals clash, Cubs blogs and Cardinals blogs war as well. Cardinals Diaspora fired off the first shots this morning with their post "The Top 10 Reasons The Cubs Suck". Allow us to respond.

10. Jeff Gordon Sang the 7th Inning Stretch once. So here's your logic:

Jeff Gordon = Suck
Jeff Gordon = Sang The 7th Inning Stretch For The Cubs


Cubs = Suck

Something that even Cubs and Cardinals fans can agree on is that Jeff Gordon is terrible. But ever since Harry died, the Cubs front office has been parading in pseudo-celebs to sing, whether true Cub fans or not. Most Cubs fans will agree that half the people coming in to sing the stretch have no business being there. But your logic is flawed. Because if what you say is true, then the following must be true as well:

Cardinals = Red
Communists = Red
Cardinals = Communists
Communists = Hate America


Cardinals = Hate America.

9. A large number of Cub fans pop their collars and act like general douchebags. True, there are some Cubs fans that pop their collars and wear Abercrombie stuff. But I'd rather be associated with that kind of guy than the good ol' Cardinals Cowboy.

8. One time a guy on YouTube slid through a trough in a bathroom that wasn't even at Wrigley Field but since YouTube says it was then it must be true. Yeah, that guy is disgusting. But you don't know what could have happened off camera. Maybe Mark Cuban told that guy he'd pay him a million bucks to jump through that trough. Maybe someone kidnapped his family and told him he had to. True, that may seem like a big stretch, but when your favorite team hasn't won a World Series in a century, you can convince yourself that anything is true.

7. WGN markets to old people. See response to #9.

6. "The Cubs Suck". You think the Cubs suck? The St. Louis Cardinals suck so much that they drove the Arizona Cardinals into the ground just for having the same name!

5. Bartman blew the Cubs' chances in 2003. Ok, you can say just about anything you want, but the moment you attack Bartman, we have a problem. You can't look me in the face and say that you never "Did The Bartman" back in the early 90's when that Simpsons CD came out.

4. Females in Cubs gear are unattractive. Girls in Cubs gear are unattractive to you? Are you sure? If you wouldn't let that girl do unspeakable things to you, then I don't know what to say.

3. The Cubs have over 700 people on their groundscrew and that is bad for the environment for reasons that aren't given. Having a giant groundscrew is bad for the environment? Really? So having a lot of people that tend to making plants grow and thrive is bad for Mother Nature? That's funny, because I thought that would have been a good thing for the environment. But what do I know? I only have common sense.

2. Sammy Sosa was a cheater. Yeah yeah...we get it. Sammy corked his bat and most likely used steroids. But you'd be hard pressed to find any Cub fans nowadays that lend any support to Sammy. Hell, his teammates disowned him the day he walked out on them. And yet, that McGwire guy seems to be pretty popular in St. Louis still...

1. The Cubs haven't won a World Series in 100 years. You know what? There's no argument for that. But if that's the best point you've got, then I hate to break the news to you, but it's been done. A lot. We don't even notice it anymore.

Now I'm not going to say that I hate everything from St. Louis. I'm pretty apathetic toward the Blues, as hockey doesn't really exist in Chicago. And even though I am very lame and can't dance, Nelly does grace my iPod from time to time. And as much as I can't stand Cardinals fans, at least they aren't as terrible as Astros fans, something we can all share a laugh about. But I do hate the Cardinals more than any other team in the world. And so I have no problem coming back with 10 reasons that they suck much more than the Cubs do, have, or ever will.

1. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa basically led the Steroid Era. The Cubs learned their lesson by sticking with pretty steroid-free players for the most part. The Cardinals? They promote Rick Ankiel and trade for Troy Glaus, two guys linked to HGH use.

2. Albert Pujols. Sure, he's a fantastic ballplayer, but he's kind of a little bitch sometimes. Remember when he complained a few years ago when Ryan Howard won the MVP over him? Remember how Pujols complained that only players on playoff teams should be MVP? The Phillies won 2 more games than the Cards that year, but because he played in a harder division, Howard shouldn't have won the MVP? Riiiight...

3. Tony La Russa. I'm not even going to go into the drinking thing (everyone makes mistakes). What bothers me the most about him is that he over-manages and I'm pretty sure it's just to drive me crazy. I thought La Russa was going to break Spring Training this year with 16 pitchers so he could play even more matchups, but that would stop him from pulling 8 double switches a game, wouldn't it?

4. Their colors. You're primarily red. That's great and all, but there's another team in your division already that claimed that color. And guess what? They're actually called the Reds. That's dedication. You know who else has a sort of half-hearted association with red uniforms? The Astros. Is that really the level you want to be on?

5. Lou Brock. You sons of bitches...

6. Doesn't it seem like the Cardinals have a never-ending supply of pitchers that own the Cubs and then suck against them as soon as they leave St. Louis? The perfect recent example of this is Matt Morris. God...Morris used to OWN the Cubs. Then he leaves St. Louis, and the Cubs destroy him. How the hell does this keep happening???

(I realize that fits under "Reasons I Hate The Cardinals" better than "Why The Cardinals Suck". So what? I don't see you writing your own list.)

7. Even a Cubs fan can admit that Walt Jocketty was money. And the Cards just let him go? To a division rival? Terrible. F.

8. Tony La Russa wears sunglasses at night. Who do you think you are, Corey Hart?

9. When David Eckstein won World Series MVP, the Cardinals rewarded him with a giant SUV. That's just about the meanest thing I can think of. David Eckstein can't get into an SUV! He has enough trouble driving a big wheel! What, would you give a bike to a guy with no legs?

10. See below: