MLB Impotence Rankings

May 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Ohhhhh, so you hit the ball with the bat?It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

10. Chicago White Sox (NR) - Wow Chicago, you almost had us fooled there for a while. The Sox have lost 7 of the last 10 including 5 in a row. Javier Vazquez will try to avoid the sweep tonight against Toronto. Almost all of these losses have been by only 1 or 2 runs, and with an expected win-loss of 17-12, one would assume Chicago's stay on this list will be short-lived.

Amazing Stat: Carlos Quentin has become a one-man team, leading the squad in AVG, HR, RBI, R, and OPS.

9. Detroit Tigers (NR) - After appearing to have righted the ship, Detroit finds themselves back on the limp list once again. Getting swept by the Twins was the last thing they needed as the Tigers now open a 7 game homestand against the Red Sox and Yankees.

Amazing Stat: Jock Jones is batting .165. How long before he goes the way of Neifi?

8. Kansas City Royals (3) - The Royals drop down the rankings a bit after going 5-5 in their last 10 games. Kansas City, along with Chicago and Minnesota have better records than Detroit and Cleveland. Two months ago you would've laughed your ass off if someone told you that would be the case on May 5th.

Amazing Stat: The Royals pitching staff has issued the second fewest walks so far this season. Not that they're going to run away with the Central, but the way this division is going, anyone appears to have a shot.

7. Texas Rangers (1) - After suffering the embarassment of being #1 on the list last week, the Rangers have gotten their shit together a little bit and rattled off 4 wins in their last 6 games. Sidney Ponson of all people gave them a quality outing the other day. Christ, I didn't even realize he was still alive, let alone playing in the majors. Shouldn't he be drunk in Aruba, challenging folks to fistfights?

Amazing Stat: Chris Shelton was called up and proceeded to prove that after his amazing tear in early 2006, he has in fact forgotten how to hit.

6. San Francisco Giants (7) - Giants fans should be grateful. For all intents and purposes, their record should be worse than it is. Instead they're actually in third place. Not that they have a chance in hell of competing for the division title. Their slogan on the official site this season says "All Out, All Season". By "out" do they mean out of the playoff race? Or with the absence of Barry Bonds do they mean they're "all out" of reasons to come watch them?

Amazing Stat: Eugenio Velez, Emmaunel Burriss, John Bowker. Just a handful of the marquee names that are filling the seats!

5. Pittsburgh Pirates (4) - If the Pirates and Giants face off, is there really a true winner? We'll find out this week. After dropping 3 of 4 to the Nationals, Pittsburgh is hoping to do more with this homestand against San Francisco and Atlanta.

Amazing Stat: Matt Capps is 6 for 6 in save opportunities. Getting to the save opportunity still proves to be an issue however.

4. Seattle Mariners (NR) - With 5 straight losses, the Mariners crack the top ten again and rocket up to #4. Seattle looked pretty miserable this weekend in New York, but never mind that. I want to know what the hell is up with the slogan on the Mariners site. Mojo Risin'? What the hell does that even mean? Is the team's marketing person a big Doors fan?

Amazing Stat: May 31, 2005: The last time Richie Sexson actually carried a batting average above .250 in the month of May.

3. Colorado Rockies (5) - I have nothing to say about this team. How the hell did they go to the World Series last year?

Amazing Stat: Aaron Cook's ERA = 2.40. The rest of the Rockie's rotation = 6.06.

2. Cincinnati Reds (10) - The Reds dropped a little in last week's rankings but managed to bounce back and land in the #2 slot after being swept by the Braves to put their current losing streak at 5 games. The pitching staff, save for Edinson Volquez has had some serious problems giving up runs. What's the over/under for how many seasons Dusty lasts? I'm gonna say 1.5.

Amazing Stat: Edinson Volquez leads the team with 4 wins. In fact he's the only one on the team with multiple wins.

1. San Diego Padres (2) - The Padres have been terrible, and it's mostly due to their anemic offense. Adrian Gonzalez is the only one hitting worth a damn and he can be incredibly streaky. If Gonzalez gets cold, they're going to be in even bigger trouble. While the starting rotation has done quite well, the Padre bullpen has been struggling mightily. Their pitching as a whole has given up more hits in innings 7-9 than any other MLB team this season, and their ERA in those final three innings is only better than Baltimore, Detroit, Texas and Milwaukee.

Amazing Stat: San Diego is hitting a league worst .230 right now. And don't expect any late inning rallies from them. The team is currently batting .200 in the final three innings of games.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #6 Washington, #8 Minnesota, #9 Toronto