Impotence Rankings

May 27, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It seems everywhere I look, someone is releasing their own set of "power rankings" these days. That's all well and good but to me, I find them ultimately boring. Boston is the best, woohoo, blah, blah. What doesn't get enough attention is what team is the absolute worst at the moment. Thankfully I'm here to help. I give you Thunder Matt's MLB Impotence Rankings, a list of the 10 most craptastic teams of the moment.

Last week's ranking in (parentheses)

NOTE: I'm pulling a Buzanis this week on the column. I have nobody to blame but myself here. But if we're going to point fingers, allow me to blame these 10 teams' worthlessness on a single player(s).

10. Detroit Tigers (3) - the starting rotation

Amazing Stat: Bonderman currently has 35 BB to his 32 K, Verlander has 7 losses so far, and opposing batters are hitting .314 and .309 against Kenny Rogers and Nate Robertson respectively.

9. Milwaukee Brewers (8) - Corey Hart

Amazing Stat: Yeah, yeah, I know he's playing relatively well, but seriously, look at this guy. He's got the face of a dwarf for God's sake. He's like the world's tallest midget. That has to be distracting the other guys.

8. New York Yankees (7) - Kyle Farnsworth

Amazing Stat: Kyle can easily be blamed for pretty much anything, much like fellow TMS bartender Dave Thomas. Also when did that son of a bitch get glasses? Who still wears glasses in baseball? I mean besides the mentally retarded.

7. Colorado Rockies (4) - Jesus*

Amazing Stat: Maybe not enough players are praying. Maybe Aaron Cook can get busted with a hooker to give you inspiration.

6. Washington Nationals (5) - Cristian Guzman

Amazing Stat: By showing the rest of you clowns up by clearly being the best hitter so far this season. That's gotta kill Ryan Zimmerman's self esteem.

5. Cleveland Indians (NR) - Everyone except Victor Martinez and Grady Sizemore.

Amazing Stat: The rest of you position players make me sick. Not one of you bastards save for Ben Francisco can even bat above .250!

4. San Francisco Giants (1) - Barry Zito

Amazing Stat: As long as Zito's contract is around they can aim no higher than mediocrity at best.

3. San Diego Padres
(2) - Shawn Estes and Glendon Rusch

Amazing Stat: How do these two still have jobs? Kevin Towers is good at taking other people's trash and spinning it into gold, but unfortunately for him these two turds just fell apart in his hands.

2. Kansas City Royals (NR) - Allard Baird

Amazing Stat: Look there might be a small disadvantage to being a small market team, but some franchises have managed to still do well. Shit, look at the Rays and Marlins right now. Baird's stats: 381-576 during his tenure, traded away Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran, signed Juan Gonzalez.

1. Seattle Mariners (6) - Richie Sexson

Amazing Stat: Can Seattle really not find anyone better to replace him? Watching him hit is enough to drive someone to go out to the driveway and pull a Kurt Cobain.

Look who got better and dropped off the previous list: #9 LA Dodgers, #10 Minnesota