Bartender Banter: Derby Edition

8:32 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Say what you want, but I'll admit, I'm a sucker for the Home Run Derby. So many folks are so stuck on being cynical assholes about it, that they can't just sit back and enjoy a simple exhibition. I can hear the naysayers with their arguments, calling the event old and tired, often comparing it to the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. I always found that to be a stupid comparison however. The dunk contest can't even draw marquee names any more, while the Derby can still bring in some big stars (Pujols, Guerrero). Nonetheless I look forward to it every year and am willing to endure the apocalyptic announcing trio of Berman, Morgan and Baker.

So here's a discombobulated recap, bullet points style.
  • I'm sure there were some folks who had no idea who Matt Holliday and Alex Rios were. Hopefully this event changed that. Both guys are studs and deserve a little more recognition.
  • Can Alex Rodriguez do an interview and actually sound candid and unrehearsed? I honestly don't think its possible.
  • What the hell did Kenny Mayne do to be constantly relegated to a sideshow shtick all the time? Oh he's in a kayak, that's funny. Why not put him in the booth instead of Berman? At least he comes up with different home run calls to shout. Instead I have to hear Chris say "Back, back, back, back, back, back....GONE!" 200 times. ESPN, you're under-utilizing Kenny. Please give him a more prominent role. Shit, once Dan Patrick is gone, he'll be the only guy left on that channel I actually like.
  • As Albert Pujols is introduced my wife says, "Is that Poopholes?" We've been married for almost five years and I've bored her with endless baseball talk that she doesn't know anything about, nor does she care to, but somehow me always calling that guy 'Poopholes' has sunk in with her. Nice.
  • Wetsuit: $85. Kayak: $1,100. Floating in the water with 200 other dumbasses as only two balls actually make it into McCovey Cove: Priceless. Seriously, how pissed would you be once you learned that only righties advanced to the second round?
  • I was pulling for Prince Fielder but unfortunately it was not to be. He seemed to be pressing a bit too much. He should've relaxed a bit. Every swing looked like he was trying to hit it 800 feet.
  • I honestly think Joe Morgan thought Ryan Howard got a first round bye.
  • I've never really seen Alex Rios hit before, but I'd say he had the prettiest swing out of all 8 guys last night. Every home run just looked effortless for him.
  • While it wasn't to David Wright proportions, Matt Holliday became my new mancrush last night.
  • What can you say about Vlad Guerrero? The guy is an absolute freak. Did that 500 foot shot hit the giant glove? ESPN did a shitty job with the replay on it, yet we got 16 different angles of the one non-homer that Dusty and Joe kept saying looked like it was good.
  • Magglio Ordonez competed last night? I don't even remember him hitting.
  • The Bonds interview was great. How many times could he say the word "team"? Most folks outside the Bay Area don't like you Barry. It's ok to say, "I didn't want to compete tonight, because I don't want to risk injuring myself, thus putting my chase for the home run record in jeopardy."
  • How have we not had an incident yet where a fan is smothered to death by a fat dude leaping for a ball? There were more sweaty obese guys flopping around than an Old Country Buffet table that just replenished the tub of chicken wings.
  • Random thought of the night: "If this were a "Pop Fly to the Warning Track" Derby, Jock Jones would have kicked some serious ass.
  • You have a commercial with Kobayashi devouring food, but you can't show him actually pounding a beer? Boooo! Speaking of that guy, I think we've found a second legitimate profession where lockjaw could be considered career-threatening.
That's all I know. I'll be back with comments on the ASG tomorrow.

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