Chaiming In

July 06, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

-So the Cubs beat the Nationals again with this guy in attendance. Coupled with a Brewers loss the Cubs now find themselves a meager 4.5 games back of the team that I have cleverly dubbed "The Brew Crew." (Copyright pending) They now start a 3 game series vs. the ass-end of the Pirates rotation. So of course, having been said that these are three very winnable games, they will proceed to go out and make Paul Maholm look like Don Sutton.*

-Zambrano gets beat out by Chris Young for the final spot. America has voted. Fat're going home. (Fat Z punches America)

-Reason #162 as to why I'm going to Zach Galifiankis tonight over the Black Crowes at the Taste. Let me recount my experience at the Taste this afternoon for lunch.
Me: (thinking to self) Beautiful day to go get some meat on a stick.
Me: (walking outside) Christ, it's too hot for denim. I may have made a error in judgement.
Me: (thinking to self) Fingers crossed that the obligatory shooting occurs while I'm here. I wonder what it would feel like to get shot in the thigh?
Me: I'll take 2 rolls of tickets please.
Cashier: That will be $14.
Me: (thinking to self) I have to find some shade. I think I've seen at least a quarter of these people on 'Cops'. You're such a pretentious dick Chaim.
Me: (thinking to self) That fat lady's ham hock of an arm just rubbed up against mine. I am covered in the sweat of a strange woman who is consuming dangerous amounts of wing sauce.
A Man Who is Clearly Not Homeless, But None-The-Less Looks Dangerous: Hey man, can I have a ticket?
Me: (slightly confused and still hungry) Huh? Uh, no.
Dangerous Man: Fuck you redneck. With your three million tickets, motherfucker.
**Let the record show that the defendant carried with him all of 20 tickets (most food items costing 6-8 tickets). NOT 3 million, as suggested.
Me: (thinking to self) I can't enjoy the assorted meats and fried doughs in these conditions. It is oppressively hot and I fear for my safety. I don't even want to throw my paper plate in that dumpster for fear I will find a baby in there. Help.

*The world needs more arbitrary Don Sutton references.