Someone Make It Stop

July 15, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

For the love of all that is sacred and holy, please make it stop. I can't turn on the TV, can't surf the net, can't read a newspaper...not even my dreams are immune anymore from these two bastardly Brits.

First off, Victoria, or shall I call you "Posh" (I don't know if we're to that point in our relationship yet, though you have been in my living room all weekend)...grow your hair out and eat some carbs. What happened to your tits? And do you ever smile or is your one expression that "Joan Collins after four martinis, one stiff poolboy and a botched Botox session" look that you seem to be going for?

And is David Beckham really going to make America care about soccer? I would venture a hearty 'no' on that front. Dude, those pics in W Magazine of you in your tighty whiteys are ridiculous. Paul McCartney, you are officially pardoned for your 'Zoolander'-esque photos plastered all over Starbucks. Beckham has assumed that mantle and taken it to absurd new heights.

I haven't been this frustrated since late 2000, when I flipped to four different radio stations and 'With Arms Wide Open' was on every one. I nearly drove my car off a bridge to escape, before I remembered that I had my CD's with me. I threw in 'Jock Jams 9' and all was right with the world again.