I Want ACTION!!!

July 31, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

As you may or may not know, I am addicted to VH1's Rock of Love. Yes, I know that it's only been on for 3 weeks, but I don't care. It's the perfect show. There is not one second of the roughly 40 minutes that the show is on that I'm not completely and 100% entertained. And for those of you out there that are alcoholics, you can play a bitchin' drinking game to any episode of Rock of Love by drinking every time Bret Michaels says "Rocks" or "Turned On" or "I really felt a strong connection with XX".

Speaking of Bret, everything is a major turn on for this guy. Part of last week's episode had to do with the 12 remaining girls learning to ride motocross. When some of the girls really picked it up quickly, Bret told us "There was something about how these girls are really picking this up that's a major turn on." When some of the girls fell flat on their asses, he was like "You know, some of these girls may not be the most experienced at motocross, but that's kind of a major turn on." Later on, when one of the girls in the house told him that since she had been born in Poland and hadn't been raised listening to his music, he said "Sure, she might not know much about me or my music...but something about that is a major turn on." I'm thinking that Bret has just been replaced by a robot. A robot with a terrible face lift.

The motocross segment of the show, while interesting, was not the highlight of the episode. There was a fight brewing between two of the girls in the house at the end of last week, and within 20 minutes of this week's episode, they were throwing down.

On the left, we have Lacey (one of my picks to make the final 3). Lacey is a PETA supporter and doesn't wear leather or eat meat. On the right is Dallas ("No, that can't possibly be a stripper stage name!"). Dallas loves meat and wearing dead animals.

Lacey wanted nothing more than to have Dallas out of the house. She thought that if she could provoke Dallas into punching her in the face, Dallas would then be kicked out of the house. Lacey cornered Dallas on a staircase and wouldn't let her walk up the stairs and started jawing at her. Things were getting pretty heated between them, but no punches or anything were thrown. I was starting to think that maybe for the first time in three weeks, I was going to be let down...

That's when Rodeo stepped in.

Rodeo is one of my other picks to get to the final 3. She's...well, she's a big lady. I would say she's about 6' tall (not counting her cowboy hat, which she's wearing at all times), and has the kind of muscular definition and mass that would make Chyna blush. Rodeo, possibly thinking she had to defend her fellow housemate because they shared semi-western stripper names, promptly came up behind Lacey and opened a can of whoopass on her. She had poor Lacey in an honest-to-God Full Nelson in about 3 seconds.

Later that night, Bret tried to play Peacekeeper for the second straight week. Apparently what happens is that any time 2 girls have a problem in the house, Bret sits them down in a couch by his pool and just lets them sit and yell at each other while he kind of zones out and thinks about how much he hates his life. This is followed up with Bret telling the camera from the "confessional" room something along the lines of "This is getting out of hand. Someone has to go home!" while they play this really intense music like someone is about to get executed for treason.

In the end, Lacey got to stay and Dallas was sent home, thus giving Lacey more motivation to fight other girls in the house in hopes of getting them sent home.

And for the second week in a row, Bret did the thing on a date where he would totally eat-your-face make out with a girl...

...while the other girl he was with had to sit there and watch. Is there anything in the history of television more awkward than that??? And on top of it all, next week's preview leads us to believe that there is a three-or-foursome coming up in the near future.

God bless America.