The Gist: Diary Edition

7:36 PM | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown

Coming to you live, from the deep hell of Houston, Texas, at MinuteMaid Park, Chicago Cubs baseball! Tonight, the Cubs/Astros tilt is brought to you by WGN. Commentating, as usual, are Len Kasper, Bob Brenly, and Bob Brenly's tempered humor. Joining me in this diary are Coors Light and Cheetos. Vodka and Cranberry have called to say they're on the way. The Cubs are in second place by a half game at the moment, thanks to those pesky Pirates. National Anthems and other trivial matters completed, let's document this game:

5:06: Jacque Jones is batting second today against Houston righty Jessica Albers. The Riot is batting eighth today, and the ghost of Cliff Floyd, fresh off of seven games-rest, is hitting fifth.

5:10: A base hit by Jones is the highlight of the top of the first. The world continues to spin on it's axis. Jones is not traded to the Marlins.

5:16: Hunter Pence with a double in the bottom of the inning. With the lone exception of Hunter S. Thompson, guys named Hunter just need to be shot. Even Thompson took that matter into his own hands. I picture all other Hunters in this world to be chiseled Abercrombie models. The lot of them can go to hell.

5:27: Cliff Floyd is up first and pulls a bomb into the right field stands for a 1-0 lead. It's a good thing too. He was nearly dead in my eyes. Figuratively, not literally like his father.

5:31: DeRosa and Kendall string together a couple seeing-eye singles, and Theriot knocks in DeRosa with a sac fly. Of the sacrifice variety, not scrotum.

5:35: Rich Hill strikes out on a bunt. Why is it that pitchers can't hit again? Didn't they all hit at some point in high school and college? When you decide to pitch, do you sign something that says you can't pick up a bat for five years?

5:49: Hill walks the first two Astro batters in the bottom of the second, but comes away unscathed.

5:56: Top of the third, and Brenly and Kasper are comparing and contrasting Ty Wigginton and Lance Berkman's beards. Does Berkman's beard attract other men? Does he prefer his men bearded? Does Berkman wear eyeliner?

5:58: Derrek Lee draws a walk, and Brenly speaks of the virtues of playing dominos in the clubhouse. Can men with such moustaches play the bones? I'd like to play dominos with Brenly. "Domino bitch!" as I slap my hand on the table.

6:00: Lee is nailed trying to steal second. Brenly says that Benito Santiago had no tendons or ligaments in his arm. Brenley is full of shit. I think. Maybe Benito doesn't have any tendons or ligaments, but the acne scars more than make up for that.

6:02: A-Ram hits a ball to Wigginton at third. Wigginton traps the ball, and A-Ram fails to run to first base. A-Ram grimaces. This surprises no one.

6:02: Priopism is an erection lasting more than six hours. I learn this, among many other things I will likely get to, from the WGN commercials.

6:04: Rich Hill apparently told Vineline that he would like to be a hockey player or an announcer if he wasn't playing baseball. Third option? Haitian sex slave.

6:05: Kasper touts their blog. Ours is better. He poses the question to the viewers: are you excited about where the Cubs are now? No. No Len. We're mortally terrified that this will blow up in our faces. But thanks for asking.

6:09: I have three Coors Lights left. Good thing, as Vodka and Cranberry are stuck on the 405. And yes, Coors Light. Fuck you if you don't like it.

6:10: Christ, Floyd strikes a bullet line drive to straight away center. Hunter Pence misplays it, and it rolls up a hill. Because we all have hills in our ballparks. What is this, the 19th century? Floyd ends up with a triple. A single and double away from the cycle. You heard it here first, he won't get it.

6:12: Jason Kendall at the plate. Now that's a beard. He's shunned many an advance by Berkman.

6:14: DeRosa and Kendall have both hit shallow pop-ups to the outfield. Floyd stands on third base and cries and thinks about taking seven days off.

6:15: The Riot takes advantage of his relegation to the bottom of the order, and hits a high chopper to Mark Loretta. No play at first, and Floyd scores. Good thing too, as Rich Hill naturally flails his arms and strikes out.

6:17: A Southwest Airlines commercial. Southwest Airlines is full of shit. I'll say it. They have all these alluring prices that they flash on the screen, but have you ever actually tried to book a flight? I've looked literally a hundred times in my life for a flight from LAX to Chicago, and the prices are absolutely horrendous! They'll have a one way for $89, but it's guaranteed that it will be at a totally F'd up time, or more likely than not, it's already sold out. I've never successfully found anything cheaper on Southwest than what I could find surfing Orbitz. I flew them one time because the company booked it. It's a piece of shit airline as far as I'm concerned. Oooooh, I'm gonna get in line so I get to be on the plane first with my lack of an assigned seat. What is this, a Ticketmaster line at the grocery store when I was in high school and wanted to go to my first KISS concert? Do I need to camp out the night before like I'm one of those reject losers waiting for an XBOX? I hate those people with all that is in my soul. I'm getting upset. Back to the game.

6:23: I was on such a rant that I missed an entire half inning. Which brings me to the next commercial. The Chuck Norris one for Mountain Dew. Get off it Chuck Norris! People made fun of you on the Internet because you're a self-absorbed douche. Don't turn it around and try to mock them. You look like even more of a loser. Go back to your ranch in Texas and fight criminals that pass through your law-abiding town.

6:24: Don't get me started on this Olive Garden commercial. Who the hell chooses to go to Olive Garden? Is this Waterloo, Iowa? Piss off!

6:28: Kasper tells us that Zambrano's next start will be on an extra day's rest. Then the start after that he'll pitch on short rest. Good luck with that. Also, the bassist for Cheap Trick's dad died. In case you hadn't heard.

6:29: Derrek Lee hits a foul ball off his knee cap and crumples onto the ground. The end begins...

6:39: Checking the ESPN headlines, apparently Glaus will miss the rest of the season after reputation-repairing surgery.

6:39: So the Astros are in last place in the Central. In light of this, all male Pirate fans have declared tomorrow "I Won't Get Drunk and Beat My Wife" day.

6:42: Wait, Cecil Cooper is the Astros coach now? Huh.

6:49: So wait, did we figure this out? Does Berkman like guys?

6:49: Apparently Zambrano said that if he wasn't a baseball player, he'd be an architect. A very emotional architect.

6:50: Bob Brenly, in response to the same question, says he would be a bass fisherman or a model. I think I can picture the bass fisherman. I also can picture him as a pedophile.

6:51: So I guess Cranberry had to go be with the wife. Vodka is swinging by solo. I'm trying to get rid of the last two Coors Lights so Vodka and I can be alone.

6:52: The ambisextrous Berkman reaches on a fielder's choice. To no avail though, as we move to the top of the seventh.

6:59: Milwaukee of course lost, but the Cardinals did as well. They've lost six in a row, which serves them right. Unfortunately they're not pushovers, and will be hungry for the visit by the Cubs this weekend. Wow, Rich Hill just got a base hit. Talk about a happy accident.

7:04: Who is Dave Chappelle? He's the asshole that employed Charlie Murphy. Watch yourself Charlie, you no-talent ass-clown. Your War Criminal is coming in due time. Trust me, it'll happen. You'll have locked yourself in your house for three weeks so that you can pen Norbit 2, and one day, BAM! Shitheel. I'm watching you.

7:07: Mark Loretta hits a homerun, and another child dies of dysentery. Thanks Mark. Thanks for killing children.

7:17: Rich Hill goes seven solid innings. Thank Christ. We need him to be the Rich Hill we knew in April.

7:18: Derrek Lee survives the foul ball scare, and racks up an infield hit. Well, it's more like he reached on an error by Biggio at second base. Biggio. Seriously, I think in March of 1997, in the computer lab in Wright Hall on the Univerity of Northern Iowa campus, on a PC running Windows '95, I drafted Biggio in the first round. I was also living in the dorms and showering with men. And I only have good memories of this period in my life. I think my favorite beer at the time was Mickey's. How I've grown.

7:26: Ah, yes. The Bud Light Fan Cam. Shitty music, but beautiful women. OK, so Rich Hill came out for the eighth inning, but before he could throw a pitch, Lou walks out to the mound to take him out in favor of Bob Howry. Why did Hill walk out there? I guess to let Howry get warmed up. Whatever. I shant question Lou.

7:29: Hunter Pence reaches on a sharp base hit, and the tying run comes to the plate. In the form of Biggio. Well, at least Biggio doesn't kill children.

7:32: The Cardinals pitchers we will face this weekend: Adam Wainright, Braden Looper, Joel Piniero. If we don't win all three of those games, we have no business making it to the postseason (we hardly do anyway).

7:33: Biggio gets a base knock, but Pence is thrown out trying to take third! Idiot!

7:34: Howry takes an infield hit off the glove, but gets out of the jam. Speaking of jam, that's what he'll be spreading all over Scott Eyre's chest tonight while they roll on the bed of cash they stole from the Cubs.

7:38: Dave Borkowski pitching for the Assholes. Not to be confused with Joe Borowski. Speaking of those two, I have a joke: How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree? You wave. And if his balance is good, and he remains in the tree, you go buy a gun. I heard John Goodman sells guns.

7:46: Two outs, top of the ninth. Our time here is nearing its end. Soriano at the plate. Theriot steals second. Eat that Humberto Quintero. You're no tendonless Benito Santiago! Soriano flies out, we move to Dempster's save attempt. Fans cross their fingers, nuns begin to pray...

7:48: My last commercial comment of the night. The Pepsi commercial with Pharrell Williams. "Yo, I got an idea". Yeah? I've got one too. Go fuck yourself Pharrell Williams. "I got an idea. I'll sell out to Pepsi and not speak in proper sentences". Kiss my ass.

7:51: Mark Loretta hits a grounder that bounces off of first base for a single. Nothing to be done about that. Tell that to the child that just died in Africa though.

7:53: Mike Lamb hits a triple. Loretta scores. No outs. Not good times.

7:54: Weak grounder to third, one out. Runner holds.

8:00: The Cubs win! On an incredible 3-6-1 double play to end the ballgame! Talk about nerve-wracking! Holy shit! I can't put this into words. Cubs win, with Murton getting a night off. Improbable!

With that, I end this special edition of The Gist. Vodka is pulling up, and we're going to celebrate. The Cubs are in a first place tie. Thank Christ.

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