Pirates Violate the Cubs. Sweet Lou Loses His Razor. News at Ten.

7:00 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Some random notes on the weekend series, henceforth dubbed the Shitsburgh Shellacking.*

-Before the weekend started I told my brother, a die-hard Pirates fan (oh the humanity!), "Watch your Buccos take 2 of 3 this weekend and wreck my life." I should have knocked on wood.

-Some people can pull off the five o' clock shadow with aplomb, but Sweet Lou ain't one of them. Who is that crazy homeless man managing the Cubs? He's a mad-man, what with all his double switching madness! Someone get Evil Lou a barber. It's like when Evil Sammy, with his weird goatee, replaced Happy Sammy.

-Put all of your Freddy Sanchez rookie cards in plastic sleeves. The guy was Honus Wagner reincarnate. Only with more facial moles.

-Steve Trachsel huh? I'd like to say, 'sounded like a good idea at the time', but NO. It never sounded like a good idea. Plain and simple, the guy is a douchebag. Let's call a spade a spade here. On a meaningless side note, I picked him up and inserted him into my fantasy lineup to try to lower my WHIP and ERA going into the last day of the week, as I clung to a 6-4 lead over with my opponent. There's a lesson here kids: Don't churn pitchers in fantasy baseball, especially in a 20 team league. There is a reason they are free agents! So Steve-O could have possibly wrecked not one, but two seasons with one swift...scratch that, ssssllllloooowwww and labored kick to the nuts.

-Fat Z looked good and so did Soriano. Everyone else looked flat and uninspired like Britney Spears VMA performance. Did I really just compare the Cubs to Britney Spears? Spiraling out of control...

-The Pirates have some of the biggest chompers in the majors. Jack Wilson! Tom Gorzelanny! Holy Hell!

-Thunder Matt is getting some good AB's here and there but why is that without fail he will always have one at bat where he gets a full count and then ends up tapping out weakly? I think he may be overextending his arms. If you're reading this Thunder, keep the elbow in and try pulling the ball more. Having just spent an hour in the hitting cage at Sluggers I feel more than qualified to offer you such sage hitting advice.

-Captain Obvious says: We have to start winning. Now. The Brewers bats seem to be coming alive again (this Ryan Braun kid is a legitimate freak show) and that scares me. It is mandatory that we roll of a string of consecutive victories this week before it is too late. The Saloon will stand for nothing less.

*Thanks Sienna Miller!

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