Open Up and Say Blaaaagh!

September 11, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

After a month long absence, television came back into my life last week. And with it came VH1. And with that came Rock of Love.

I saw the first few episodes of the show, but missed a good 4-5 of them during my television exile. At first I was worried that I would be completely lost when she show came back. After all, I missed almost half the season.

That fear left me about 2 minutes into Sunday's episode. I mean, come on...the only thing complicated about this show is the result of Bret Michaels' STD test.

It turns out that we're down to the final 4 girls. Each of them has their pros and cons.

PRO: Is the prototypical "rocker" chick. Has her own band.
CON: Completely batshit crazy.

PRO: Willing to "go the extra mile" by getting Bret's name tattooed on her neck. That and the herpes will be reminders forever when she doesn't end up with him.
CON: Has shoulders big enough to play linebacker for the Raiders.

PRO: The only "normal" girl left.
CON: Stole Gwen Stefani's hairstyle from 1999. Is not a stripper (On this show, that actually is a con).

Brandi M.
PRO: Semi-normal looking.
CON: Can't hold her booze. Wasn't even the only girl on the show named "Brandi".

The girls find out that they are going to go to Las Vegas to catch Bret doing a "fan appreciation" show. Keep in mind that he is not doing this show with the other members of Poison. This is allll Bret, which is why about 12 people show up to the concert. The reason Bret brings them out to the show is that he wants to make sure they can "handle" seeing "Rock-Star Bret". Rumor has it that "Undersea Diver Bret" and "Space Explorer Bret" are also due out this fall from Mattel.

After the show, Bret goes upstairs to his room in the hotel to "change for dinner". Apparently wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and a cowboy hat is not proper dinner attire in Las Vegas, but a graphic tee and the same bandanna and jeans that you just sweat in for an hour onstage are just fine. It was during this time that the rest of Bret's band tried as hard as they could to get the 4 girls completely wasted. Brandi and Lacey took the bait and got COMPLETELY smashed. By the time the four of them got up to dinner, Lacey had passed out and Brandi was projectile vomiting. Jes and Bret took Brandi to the bathroom. Heather just ate. And ate. And then ate some more. Even being in the same room as puke smell couldn't ruin her appetite.

Magical Line Of The Episode #1: When Bret was describing taking care of Brandi, he said, "When I was pulling Brandi's head out of the toilet, she turned to me and said one of the most touching things I've ever heard in my entire life." She said that she loved him and would let her guard down for him. Keep in mind that she puked everywhere immediately before and after this exchange.

When all is said and done, Bret chooses Jes to spend the night with since she was such a big help watching after Pukey McPukerson. Heather is pissed, and they keep the cameras rolling long enough to see Heather telling the waiter to pack up all the food that was not vomited on so she could take it with her. It was 5 boxes worth of food. I am not making this up.

The next morning, Bret sends Jes back to LA so he can spend time with the rest of the girls. Everybody knows that after you have sex with someone, the last thing you want to do is look at them! Bret then meets the remaining girls by the pool. They are all hung over.

Magical Line Of The Episode #2: Bret says of the remaining girls, "They looked tore up from the floor up." Do you think one of the writers for the show fed him that line and convinced him that all the young folks say that these days?

Back in LA that night, Bret has dinner with Heather and Lacey. Bret reveals to Heather that he doesn't 100% trust her because the girl he wrote "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" about was a stripper, just like she is. Bret dated a stripper. Bret had his heart broken by said stripper. Apparently, all strippers are heartbreakers. The logic is flawless.

Magical Line Of The Episode #3: When Bret is expressing his worries about dating a stripper, he says he's unsure if he can "get Heather off the stripper pole, and on top of my pole." He said this with a straight face. He didn't even crack a smile. He deserves an Oscar.

Bret then spends the night with Lacey. They show her leaving his room the next morning. She looks like she's limping. Cha-ching!!!

Elimination comes, and Brandi tells Bret that even though she said she loved him and would let her guard down for him, she was just lying. Bret seems like he's trying to be mad at her, but he can't remember how to for some reason, and Brandi leaves. We're down to three.

We here at Thunder Matt's Saloon love Rock of Love. And while discussing it, we decided that this premise could work in the sports world as well. Here are some of the potential shows we came up with. We will formally be pitching these to VH1 next week:

  • -"Who Wants To Sex Mutombo" - I think this one speaks for itself. Just make sure Mutombo agrees not to wag his...finger.
  • -"Knocked-Up Nation" - This show has 41 lucky women (one from each state that Travis Henry has yet to father a child) vie to become the mother of bastard kid #10. Viewers will be entertained as well as learn a little geography. Everyone will even get a map. That would surely help South Africa, the Asian countries, and the Iraq.
  • -"Seriously, I'm Not Gay!" - Jeff Garcia tries to convince the general public that he does indeed love women. Ryan Seacrest guest stars.
  • -"Rickey Loves Rickey" - Rickey Henderson goes out on 14 dates with...Rickey Henderson! Watch as Rickey gets mad when Rickey never returns Rickey's calls.
  • -"The Heights Of Love Starring Manute Bol" - I don't even need to provide an explanation. You're going to watch it.
  • -"Threesome With Thunder Matt" - Matt Murton puts his spin on "The Bachelor". It's the same show, except Thunder Matt gets to end up with three wives, not just one.
  • -"Who Wants To Have Rough, Unsatisfying Sex With Odalis Perez?" - This show will not last past the first 5-minute episode.
Dikembe Mutombo gives a new meaning to "Sexytime!"