The Gist: Emmy Special

September 17, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown

Chi-Town Girl and I are here spontaneously deciding to blog the Primetime Emmys. Really we had no intention on doing this, but after happening to tune in for the first ten minutes of the pre-show, we realized that all these sons-of-bitches needed to be commented upon. Wisteria Lane? Who gives a shit? On to the diary:

7:18: Ellen DeGeneres has baggy eyes, and she's baggin' Portia de Rossi? Get out.

7:20: Felicity Huffman, your ribs stick out more than your chest.

7:26: Joely Fischer needs to put her boobs away.

7:27: Hugh Laurie should stop faking his British accent. Get off it you ass. Your European moodiness doesn't make you any more popular.

7:31: The Sopranos? Seriously, did anyone really watch that show? Stop crying.

7:34: Could Eva Longoria's boobs be any farther apart? Your husband cheats on you.

7:35: Jon Stewart, why don't you run for president?

7:36: Helen Mirren looks scary. To diversify her portfolio, she'll be playing Margaret Thatcher this year.

7:41: Apparently no one in Hollywood knows where to buy a bra.

7:42: The mom from Who's the Boss?! It looks like she's naked! And she's about to make out with Vanessa Williams.

7:44: The girl from Knocked Up looks like she's getting married with envelopes on her sleeves.

7:47: Is Friends up for anything this year? I like that Chandler guy. And, hey, is Seinfeld making a come back? I think I spotted Julia Louise-Dreyfus. She's looking pretty hot for pushing 50. Maybe Portia should reconsider.

7:50: Wow, Kelsey Grammer. I thought he was dead. No one born after 1970 watched his show. Get these people off the screen. Blah blah, we don't understand AARP.

7:53: Seal, cinch up the tie bud, you're at the Emmys. And christ, have you not heard of reconstructive surgery? Does anyone know what happened to his head anyway?

7:55: Mariska Hargitay, Law and Order, go hit on Ellen, or Portia, or both.

7:57: Why does everyone in Hollywood pretend to be British?

8:00: Opening with a Stewie and Brian musical number! Excellent. Awesome that they go off on Zach Braff immediately. And the Cavemen! Well, they're digging everyone. I bet those cougars from Desperate Housewives will make off with some kind of award. They'll still go to bed unsatisfied.

8:03: Ryan Seacrest would be funnier if he were drunk. He is wearing a seat belt as a tie. And he's trying to look up Eva Longoria's dress.

8:07: The show can end now. William Shatner has made an appearance.

8:08: Ray Romano is trying to be funny. Is this the Republican National Convention? Get rid of the 80's skater cut guy. You've never really been funny, no matter what the old people watching CBS say. Christ, cue the music on Ray, selfish bastard.

8:15: Best supporting actor in a comedy series goes to Jeremy Piven, Entourage. Boo. Dwight should have bagged that one. Everyone knows Piven is a pretentious asshole.

8:16: Vanessa Williams wishes she was a peacock. Brant Brown wants Ugly Betty to go to hell.

8:17: Best supporting actor in a drama goes to NOT the Asian from Heros. Terry O'Quinn. Sparkly tie, pink shirt, fat wife... who doesn't love Locke. Thank christ, something is right with the world.

8:22: Really, no one is wearing a bra.

8:23: Best supporting actress in a comedy goes to Jaime Pressly. Boo My Name is Earl. I like her better as white trash. Hold up, her fiance looks like a thug, she might still have a chance.

8:26: Best supporting actor in a miniseries/made for TV movie. Does anyone really care who wins this category? Seriously. Wait, we do if it's the airplane repairman from Wings. Thomas Hayden Church. Oh god, he's crying, and talking about westerns, cue the music.

8:35: Ellen, shut the F up and go sit back down by your hot girlfriend. Portia DeRossi! Damn!

8:37: How many members of Entourage are taller than Eva Longoria? Only one. That's a lot of small penises. Shocking. Best supporting actress goes to the girl from Knocked Up. Apparently she's also in Grey's Anatomy.

8:41: John Cryer still looks like he's 14.

8:45: Conan O'Brien's hair. WTF? He's already taller than everyone.

8:53: Tony Bennett and Christina Aguilara. Tony has a boner for a two bit whore.

8:55: Coincidentally Tony Bennett now wins an Emmy.

8:58: Best actor in a miniseries, unfortunately not Tom Selleck. Magnum was in need of a boost. No dice. Rick and Higgins were of no help.

9:06: LeVar Burton; why wasn't Roots one of the books on Reading Rainbow? Is Cicely Tyson Mike Tyson's mom? I think one of the actors from Roots is the dad from Coming to America. Robert Duval, getting the music for the second time this evening. Ray Ramono shouldn't have wasted so much time before.

9:10: Doogie Howser says he's gay so he can check out the cheerleader from Heroes on national TV, no questions asked.

9:18: I'd love to go off on this horrid Macy's commercial, but there is so much to say that it may actually warrant a post of its own. Go back to jail Martha Stewart, and stop making fun of your own stupidity Jessica Simpson.

9:22: I love Steve Carell. Everyone should love Steve Carell. John Stewart loves Steve Carell, and it earned him an Emmy.

9:25: Tony Bennett wins again for his musical special. He's 80 and looks like a sick dog. Don't get me wrong, I like his greatest hits and all, but he looks sedated. He needs to lie down. And they thanked everyone at Target as Tony stands there and smiles. His wife is about 22 years old. Very nice. Tony will probably be in the next triumvirate of celebrities that die. Right there with Abe Vigoda and Dick Cheney. Godspeed.

9:27: Really, there are no bras in Hollywood. Another one of the Housewife cougars affirms my theory of a braless society.

9:37: This thing is going downhill very fast. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee just won something. I couldn't even tell you what. From what I understand, no one watched that, and everyone was mad because it bumped the Sopranos one night. The Sopranos? Don't get me started.

9:39: And as if on cue, everyone starts sucking the Sopranos dicks, via The Jersey Boys. Waiting for their testicles to drop...

9:41: ..still waiting...

9:44: The entire cast of the Sopranos comes on the stage. And they cut to commercial. Excellent. The Sopranos. I've never even heard of that show. Is it on the FX?

9:49: Sally Field is on the stage. "You like me! You really like me!" Sorry Sally, you didn't win anything. But Helen Mirren did. Christ, this woman wins everything. And she's trying to be witty. Send her back across the pond.

10:05: This has nothing to do with the Emmys but Brant Brown just spilled red wine on his shirt, and immediately dumped a can of Fresca on the stain in attempt to get it out. Why Fresca? Why indeed. He's now frantically rubbing the stain with laundry soap and yelling "Daddy Gore is on!"

Al Gore just thanked the Academy.

10:10: Tony Bennett, still high. Thanking Target for being a wholesome company. Clearly this led to his Emmy Award. He also thanks his kids, and seems to forget just how many of them he has.

10:15: Ugly Betty, not getting any cuter. At least she's wearing a bra.

10:18: Finally The Office wins an Emmy. Thank the witches of Salem. Thank christ this guy accepting is behind the camera and not in front of it.

10:24: Ryan Seacrest is now wearing some kind of French military outfit. Drunk.

10:25: Bad humor has befallen the Emmy Awards. It involves Rainn Wilson and Kanye West.

10:30: Reality TV now has it's own category. We'd all be a lot better off without Reality TV. Reality TV is an oxymoron, and usually employs morons. How many people does it take to film Amazing Race? About 40. They're all contributing to America's societal problems. I have just lost brain cells watching them win an award.

10:37: These award shows are so contrived. Seriously, these people make enough money, do they really need to pat each others' egos even more? Yes, they do. It's what they do.

10:40: Felicity Huffman, no bra.

10:42: Sally Field, stop using uppers. You're fucking crazy.

10:51: William Shatner. Still not dead. And the girl from Ugly Betty wins the best actress category. The sight of her makes me writhe in pain. Ugh. That's OK, she's just having her fifteen minutes.

10:54: Jimmy Smits. Old. Needs to go away. Didn't he die in NYPD Blue? Is that show still on? No one ever watched that, except maybe Troy Ersland.

10:56: James Spader won the best actor in a drama. Didn't he do Cinemax soft porn? Does he really have a show? Is he trying to be British with those glasses?

11:04: 30 Rock wins best comedy. Brant Brown cheers, as he's in love with Tina Fey.

11:05: If whoever runs these shows could just do away with the "comedic" interludes, awards shows wouldn't run over their scheduled time. And again, why are we watching all these people who make a ton of money for being famous? Oh Hollywood. How we love thee.

11:09: And the Sopranos wins the big Emmy of the night. Really, who cares? Again, I ask of you, did anyone even watch that show? I thought it was about Pavarotti and his friends. Whatever. The night is young, Britney didn't show up, and everyone is gonna go out and get drunk at Skybar.

Done............................till the Oscars.....................................