OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

7:24 AM | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk


Special Thunder Matt's Saloon corespondent O.J. Simpson brings us his up-to-the-minute coverage, following the Brewers around and taking any chance he can to tip the scales in the Cubs' favor.

Whaaaaat's crackulatin'?

No one can say that The Juice doesn't come through in the clutch. Last night was a must-lose for the Brewers, especially because the Cubs done gone lost to that AAA team in Miami again. I knew I had to take matters into my own hands. I knew that having someone who just so happened to look a lot like me lay the beatdown on Ben Sheets just wasn't enough.

I knew I had to go after Prince Fielder.

But with the cops following my every move so closely, what was O.J. to do? Get someone else to do my dirty work for me? Exactamundo! Brad Thompson's my boy from way back in the day when we used to play dice together for crack money, and he owed me, so I told him to hit Prince in the head with a fastball. That crazy cracker only hit him in the arm, but it was enough to get the message across. After the game, Thompson played it cool by telling reporters that he didn't hit The Prince on purpose.

Where do you think he got that line from? That's the same thing I told the police when they thought I was beatin' on my wife!

Anyway, mad props to my man Derrick Turnbow, who proved tonight that he truly is a family man. I told him before the game that he'd better start suckin' it up immediately or I was going to take a tire iron to his momma's face. And what does he do? Hits Albert Pujols with a pitch to start up a mad-crazy rally for the Cards that gave them the lead. Legit!

Like I said, The Juice is doing his part. Now the Cubs better start winnin' some games here so I can get the hell out of here and finish up on my new book.


Awwwww shit, you know you want to pick it up in stores next month. On second thought, don't. I won't see any of that money anyway. And that's the low down dirty shame.

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