Monday Afternoon Hangover

September 10, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's time for what hopes to be a riveting weekly feature here at the Saloon, The Monday Afternoon Hangover. Each Monday afternoon we'll bring you our analysis of the weekend that was in professional football. So let's take a look at what transpired.

Colts 41
Saints 10
Holy shit. How many of us are questioning our pick of New Orleans winning the NFC at this point? Peyton went off in the second half as the Colts reminded the Saints that "evil will always win, because good is dumb."

Texans 20
Chiefs 3
Well so much for Rich's bold prediction that Houston would go 0-16. This was my CBS noon game here, which would've been more depressing to watch had it not been the fact that my FOX game was the goddamn Packers/Eagles debacle. What's the over/under on the number of weeks before Chief fans contemplate suicide?

Packers 16
Eagles 13
The Packers had no business winning that game. Then again, neither did the Eagles. Both looked absolutely atrocious out there, and while I'm not a Packer fan by any means, I still enjoyed seeing Favre play sometimes. That enjoyment has turned into total sympathy now. Seriously Brett, it's time to hang it up. Although he's at least sparing us the classic "washed-up superstar clinging on too long, playing for a different team" move. Just like Unitas with the Chargers, Franco Harris with the Seahawks, or Namath in a Rams jersey, the sight of Favre in say a Houston or Tampa Bay jersey for the final year or two of his career would be even more depressing to watch.

Steelers 34
Browns 7
Is it too early to say the Browns season is done? The "Brady Quinn will be starting this week" countdown has begun.

Titans 13
Jaguars 10
Thanks to Chris Brown for being the "God damn it, he's on my bench!" fantasy player of the week. I'm sure I wasn't the only manager gritting his teeth after seeing Brown's 175 yards rushing.

Vikings 24
Falcons 3
Wow Atlanta. Way to go out and make your fans not miss Michael Vick at all. I'm still not sold on the Vikings yet, but if anyone is going to challenge the Bears in the NFC North, it looks like it'll be them.

Patriots 38
Jets 14
Am I the only one that gets the feeling that New England is out on some sort of vengeful spree of dominance? And can the analysts now shut up about Randy Moss possibly being a distraction to the team? The guy has had issues in the past but he also just spent two years in NFL purgatory and now has a very legitimate chance to finally play in a Super Bowl. This has all the makings of the "troubled player pulling his shit together to destroy his opponents and win a championship " type of season for him.

Panthers 27
Rams 13
I'm still standing by my pick of the Rams winning the NFC West. All they have to do is make sure Steven Jackson doesn't fumble. Oh and play defense. It's always good to play defense.

Redskins 16
Dolphins 13
Nothing like a good old kicker shootout to get you pumped for the football season. I loved how the announcers were questioning Joe Gibbs decision to kick the field goal in OT on only 3rd down. Yeah it was 40 yards out, but the ball was lined up dead center for the kicker. Then after Suisham makes it, they said, "That's why he's a hall of famer." Huh? Beating an incredibly mediocre Miami team, in overtime, by a field goal is what makes Joe Gibbs great? Yeah I guess. I would've went with his 3 Super Bowl rings, but whatever.

Broncos 15
Bills 14
After missing two field goals, Jason Elam nails one in a hurry up play with time expiring to win the game. Denver will now be running a hurry-up special teams for all kicks.

Seahawks 20
Buccaneers 3
After falling behind 6-0 in the first quarter, Mike Holmgren reminded his team they were in fact playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Everything fell into place after that.

Lions 36
Raiders 21
A classic battle of who could blow the game more. The Lions take a 17-0 lead, but blow it. The Raiders take a 21-20 lead in the 4th quarter but blow it. Meanwhile Tatum Bell scores a garbage TD with little time left to put the game further out of reach and earn some cheap fantasy points to whoever was ballsy stupid to start him.

Chargers 14
Bears 3

Christ, what was more frustrating this weekend, watching the Cubs struggle against Pittsburgh, or the Bears offense struggle to do anything? You can't even dog just Grossman. The entire offense looked terrible. It's as if they were playing Tecmo Super Bowl with their playcalling, and kept pushing the Brad Muster up-the-middle play. I guess they're expecting the defense to score all their points. Oh yeah, and Mike Brown is done for the year. I'm glad we got that out of the way already.

Cowboys 45
Giants 35

This one was quite a shootout, with Tony Homo getting the better of the football Don Swayze*. I normally would root against Dallas at every opportunity, but the schadenfreude of a possible implosion of the Giants is too good to not cheer for. Losing Brandon Jacobs for three to five weeks to a sprained MCL won't help matters for them either.

Thumbs Up: To NBC's Football Night in America. The addition of Keith Olbermann to the team makes the best NFL show on Sunday that much better.

Thumbs Down: To FOX's continuance of having Tony Siragusa on the field with a microphone. Jesus, what is his purpose exactly? He's like a sideline reporter but more worthless. At least sideline reporters are near the benches and can report back about the team. Tony just sits down at the endzones being fat and saying things that make feel dumber for having heard them. The lowpoint this week came during the muffed punt that bounced back to the endzone leading to a Packer TD. FOX shows a replay of the scrum for the ball from one of the endzone cameras only to have the shot eclipsed by Tony's enormous ass. Good shot guys. Maybe if you didn't have a jackass whose physique could put Andy Reid to shame standing in front of the camera, we could've seen it.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tony Romo, DAL (345 yds, 4 TD)
RB - Adrian Peterson, MIN (103 yds rushing, 60 yds receiving, 1 TD)
WR - Plaxico Burress, NYG (144 yds, 3 TD)
WR - Randy Moss, NE (183 yds, 1 TD)
TE - Jason Witten, DAL (116 yds, 1 TD)
DE - Dewayne White, DET (6 solo tackles, 1 sack, 1 interception, 2 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovery)
DE - Mario Williams, HOU (4 solo tackles, 2 sacks, 1 fumble recovery, 1 TD)
LB - Julian Peterson, SEA (7 solo tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble, 1 fumble recovery)

The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Charlie Frye, CLE (34 yds, 1 INT)
RB - Steven Jackson, STL (58 yds, 2 fumbles lost)
WR - Greg Lewis, PHI (4 return yards, 1 fumble lost)
WR - Peerless Price, BUF (-2 yds)
TE - Kris Wilson, KC (-4 yds, 1 fumble lost)

Monday Night Picks
Cincinnati -3 over Baltimore
San Francisco -3 over Arizona

*Yeah, I'll use a joke from Bill Simmons. Screw you ombudsman.