Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 3

12:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

It's week 3 and Mel's not looking any better. On to the scores!

Baltimore 26
Arizona
23
Well Chaim already mentioned this, but Kurt "the aloof Jesus" Warner came in for craptastic Matt Leinart and shined. But alas, they are the Cardinals, and winning just isn't in their repertoire.

Green Bay 31
San Diego
24
The Packers are 3-0, Brett Favre is looking better than over half the QB's in this league, and the Chargers are absolutely floundering. Are we in some bizarro NFL season? Congrats to Favre for tying Marino's record. Wow San Diego, it's a good thing you canned Marty huh? Perhaps next time a coach takes your team to a 14-2 record you shouldn't replace him with someone that is clearly an inferior NFL coach.

Tampa Bay
24
St. Louis
3
Jesus St. Louis! My sleeper pick this season looks awful. At least my top fantasy pick Steven Jackson put up some decent numbers. 3 weeks in and Tampa Bay looks like they could legitimately take their division.

Pittsburgh 37
San Francisco
16
The Steelers D stuff Frank Gore, while Fast Willie Parker puts up a Week 3 high 133 yards on the ground. Jerame Tuman and Najeh Davenport score Pittsburgh's only offensive touchdowns, causing fantasy owners to shout expletives at their laptop and nearly spill their 64 oz. Mountain Dew Big Gulp on it.

Philadelphia 56
Detroit 21
My hat's off to Philly for beating the living piss out of the goddamn Lions. Kitna threw for 446 yards but could only find the endzone twice. Donovan McNabb however made everyone happy to see a black quarterback succeed, throwing 4 TD's, 3 of which were to white wide receiver Kevin Curtis ("Ebony and Ivory" begins playing in the background). The throwback uniform trend has officially derailed, crashed, burned, and left no survivors, after Philadelphia wore those horrendous unis yesterday. They look like a bad high school uniform, or something from the XFL. Why the hell do we keep having throwbacks anyway? The only reasoning I see for this is to keep rappers' wardrobes new. I mean honestly, if you own a shit-brown Padres throwback and actually wear it in public, do society a favor and shoot yourself in the face.

New York Jets 31
Miami 28
Holding on to a 31-13 lead, the Jets tried their best to piss the game down their leg, but fell short and won by 3. Dolphin fans were in shock, not so much from the loss but because they couldn't remember what it was like seeing their team score so many points.

New England 38
Buffalo
7
So we learned a few things here.
  1. Buffalo is terrible with J.P. Losman at QB.
  2. Buffalo is even shittier with Trent Edwards at QB.
  3. New England is so dominate this season that I may have pooped my pants.
Kansas City 13
Minnesota
10
For whatever reason I was spared the punishment of seeing this game on TV (I had Packers-Chargers and Eagles-Lions instead). For those of you that picked Adrian Peterson as the rookie RB to bust out for a 1000 yard season, congratulations. For those that chose Marshawn Lynch, thanks for playing, we have a lovely consolation prize package for you.

Indianapolis 30
Houston
24
You have to wonder had Andre Johnson been healthy, could the Texans have upset the Colts. Peyton looked good, especially on that one play where he was running through the hallway looking to pass the ball, and his receiver was covered by sharks, and wait..........I think that may have been a commercial. What the hell product was that even for? Does it matter? I'm pretty sure that commercial makes me wanna boycott whatever garbage it's peddling.

Seattle 24
Cincinnati
21
Did anyone see this game? I don't even recall there being any highlights. This Bengals team was more exciting when they were getting arrested on a weekly basis.

Oakland 26
Cleveland
24
In the "Who Cares?" Game of the Week, Oakland finally notches a win. Daunte Culpepper also made his first appearance of the year, going 8-14 for 118 yards. Bernie Kosar had 248 yards passing for Cleveland while Kevin Mack rushed for 56 yards.

Jacksonville 23
Denver 14
Wow can I change my Super Bowl pick from Denver to Pittsburgh or New England? A quick "Everyone Point and Laugh" to all the dumbasses who took Maurice Jones-Drew in the second round of their fantasy draft. Through 3 games, Jones-Drew has 33 carries 100 yards and no touchdowns.

New York Giants 24
Washington
17
Son of a bitch Washington! You had this game and blew it. There goes my hope for a 0-16 season from New York. Eli Manning still proving that mentally retarded people can excel in professional sports. Seriously, there should be a moratorium on how many close up camera shots of Eli's face there can be in one game. That dumb look on his face with his mouth agape. He looks like McMurphy after the Chief smothers him with a pillow.

Dallas 34
Chicago
10
Hey, um Bears Offense? Look, your defense is phenomenal, but it's hard for them to stop the opposition all game when you guys don't do your part and, you know, score some fucking points and hold on to the ball for more than 3 plays at time. This offense is terrible. Grossman sucks, the receivers suck, the running game sucks, and most importantly Ron Turner sucks. As long as the Turner's have jobs in professional football, there will always be disappointed and disgusted fans.

Carolina 27
Atlanta
20
Wow, maybe it was the acquisition of Leftwich that sparked a fire, but Harrington had a pretty good day. 31/44 with 361 yards and 2 TD. Nonetheless, the Falcons drop to 0-3. Bobby Petrino is searching for Murray State and Middle Tennessee on the schedule.


The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Donovan McNabb, PHI (381 yards, 4 TD, he's black)
RB - Brian Westbrook, PHI (221 total yards, 3 TD)
WR - Kevin Curtis, PHI (221 rec yards, 3 TD)
WR - Anquan Boldin, ARI (181 rec yards, 2 TD)
TE - Jason Witten, DAL (90 rec yards, 1 TD)
DE - Jared Allen, KC (8 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble)
CB - Anthony Henry, DAL (2 int, 1 TD)


The Flaming Bag Team
We'll let you decide what you want to do with them.

QB - Marc Bulger, STK (116 yards, 3 INT, slightly worse than Rex)
RB - Ahman Green, HOU (5 yards, 1 bum knee)
WR - Mike Williams, OAK (24 yards, 1 fumble, still better than Charles Rogers)
WR - Lee Evans, BUF (7 yards, early front-runner for Chris Chambers Award*)
TE - Daniel Graham and Tony Scheffler (0 catches, 0 yards, I'm not sure Cutler even knows who they are)

Monday Night Pick
The Saints have to win at some point right? My pick: Saints (-4.5) over Titans

*Chris Chambers Award goes to the WR who has immense talent and upside but is languishing on a bad team with a crappy QB.

Hooray, our uniforms are fucking ugly! Let's play tummysticks!

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